Penguins New NHL Dynasty? Clemens is a Scumbag and Benson is Manic

ROGER CLEMENS
U.S. Olympic baseball team General Manager Bob Watson said Wednesday that Roger Clemens will not be invited to play for his squad this summer in Beijing.

“From my standpoint, we don’t need that type of distraction,” said Watson.

Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner who is a serial philanderer and rumored abuser of steroids, should vanish like a plane in the Bermuda Triangle before his ailing reputation is desecrated any further. But, common sense will not prevail and the public should not expect a secluded Rocket. Under the guidance of his semi-retarded lawyer, Rusty Hardin, the fat-Texan is poised to become one of the biggest jokes the sports world has witnessed since Tonya Harding and/or the cunnilingus-loving cheerleaders of the Carolina Panthers, Renee Thomas and Angela Ellen Keathley. Unfortunately for Clemens, Americans generally don’t “misremember” national disgraces.

CEDRIC BENSON
Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested in Austin,Texas last week for allegedly operating a boat while he was intoxicated and subsequently resisting arrest.

Sergeant Leonard Snyder arrested the former University of Texas star and he wrote in his report that he thought Benson was intoxicated because he was “combative,” “cocky,” “insulting,” and “profane” and at other times he was “crying” and “cooperative.” Unless you witnessed the incident, the only people who truly know what occurred that night are Benson and Snyder. Nevertheless, if the official police report holds even a granule of accuracy, Benson should be considered for the role of Sybil should a producer ever decide to create a remake of the 1976 drama film.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
The Pittsburgh Penguins and the Philadelphia Flyers will play game one of the Eastern Conference Finals tonight at the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh. I know as much about the sport of hockey as Paris Hilton knows about abstinence. Still, I have a fleeting hunch that superstar Sidney Crosby and the Penguins are on the cusp of becoming a 90’s Chicago Bulls-like dynasty. Again, I am not exactly the mullet-cherishing Barry Melrose. But, I have that feeling. Stay tuned….