With an athlete's off-field look becoming a pillar of his or her personal brand, stylists are preying on sports stars like shady investors and crooked agents.
While some marquee names are able to stunt responsibly, most walk the red carpet looking like they did during the eighth grade dance in 1999.
To celebrate today's refined gladiator, I present an objectively inarguable list that examines the good, bad and borderline psychotic looks of NFL stars.
Those who get a "Best" nod look as though they have a competent and somewhat sober stylist, while those who are labeled "Worst" look like they rifled a clearance rack on their way to the ESPYs.
The Super Bowl of style kicks off now.
Dresses Like: A Garbage Pail Kid with a Bonobos endorsement deal.
Aldon Smith looks like he's wearing a suit that camouflages into its surroundings like a chameleon's skin.
If this is some next-level fabric with the ability to alter its appearance, then I offer 1,000 apologies to Smith's stylist. Otherwise, SMH.
You can tell by his facial expression that the 49ers linebacker is very sorry about some of the decisions he's made this evening.
Dresses Like: An unscrupulous financier who owns a vacation home in Saint-Tropez and presides over a large, undiscovered Ponzi scheme.
Gisele Bundchen clearly styles Tom Brady like the Patriots quarterback is a Yorkshire terrier who lives in her Louis Vuitton handbag.
But it's hard to rip the guy because he wears a Brazilian supermodel on his arm, which is infinitely more stylish than a custom Breitling watch or monogrammed cuffs.
In sum, Brady lives on an echelon that mere mortals cannot understand.
Even if he did the red carpet shirtless and had pierced nipples, Brady would still be one of the league's most stylish players.
Dresses Like: He's losing.
Honestly, Matthew Stafford would have been better off walking the red carpet in full pads and a helmet.
He looks like he got hammered at Pikes formal last night, and now he's doing the walk of shame home.
This guy has a lot of soul-searching to do.
Dresses Like: He's winning.
This scene is a Chariots of Fire soundtrack away from being the single most inspiring image ever disseminated.
Barkevious Mingo must have connections to bespoke tailors in Milan because this is an absolute masterpiece.
Well done, KeKe.
Dresses Like: He's just been forcibly removed from his pickup truck at a police checkpoint.
Even by cowboy standards, Jared Allen looks like a mess.
With this ensemble, Allen would be the first person in history to violate the dress code at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill.
This is the official uniform of guys who leave their kids in the car when they go to the strip club.
Dresses Like: The head of Tony Montana's security detail.
If you're stuck behind the counter at Sbarro and feel like life is one giant dead-end job to the grave, dress like Justin Tuck. You'll have a corner office at the corporate headquarters and stock options within six months.
Tuck deserves a lot of credit because he's built like a bull moose on a steady diet of whole milk and creatine.
Looking like a Versace cologne ad personified isn't easy, especially for a freak of nature. Bravo, No. 91.
Dresses Like: He's interviewing for the head bartender position at Express for Men.
If former New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator Greg Williams put a bounty on Men's Warehouse employees, Drew Brees would have a barren closet.
Is this guy politicking at the ESPYs or preparing to DJ a wedding?
Either way, Brees would have been better off hitting the red carpet in a wooden barrel and suspenders.
Dresses Like: He doesn't know offhand how many Gulfstream jets he owns.
There's a reason Brad Smith gets invited to every red-carpet event in sports, and it has nothing to do with his on-field performance.
This guy dresses like he's running a hedge fund from the Vatican Secret Archives and wears crocodile skin Testoni wingtips as house slippers.
The recently acquired Philadelphia Eagle can absolutely stunt.
Dresses Like: A man who is being physically removed from a wedding reception by hotel security.
Rob Gronkowski doesn't give a [bleep] what you think about him, and he dresses the part.
This guy probably did a set of crunches and a few beer bongs in the ESPYs parking lot before hitting the red carpet, which would explain why his suit has more wrinkles than Tan Mom's neck.
When you do most of your partying naked, traditional formalities (like clothes) take a back seat.
Dresses Like: He's competing for market share with Sherlock Holmes.
A.P. seems to have adopted his red-carpet look from 19th-century railroad tycoons. And the whole Charles Crocker with a CrossFit membership "thing" really works for him.
Adrian Peterson doesn't just look like a million bucks. If you actually priced out his suit, you'd have enough money to buy a submarine for recreational use.
Very impressive showing, Purple Jesus.
Dresses Like: The owner of a rarely visited OkCupid account.
Andrew Luck, are you a professional athlete or a shifty-eyed teenager who is afraid of your girlfriend's parents?
As the figurehead of a football team in Indiana, no one expects you to dress like Cary Grant. But you'll have to show more confidence than a kid who's embarrassed by having to take his mom's Chrysler Town & Country to homecoming.
Dresses Like: A bro who just passed his Series 7 exam and is now looking to party.
This is the look of a man who coerces clients into investing with Bitcoin by throwing them into a suffocating headlock.
If you're interviewing for an accounting position and this guy walks through the door, trust that he'll vaunt his maximum bench press as a qualifying reason why he's "a good fit for the position."
Dresses Like: The manager of valet operations at Mansion nightclub in Miami Beach.
Colin Kaepernick is so flagrantly overdone in this getup that it looks like he's joking.
It's like he's trying to passive-aggressively remind every general manager and woman who passed on him that he's famous now.
Behold the aura of a man with no fewer than three active restraining orders.
Dresses Like: He plays bass in the Bay City Rollers.
Look at this smirk and tell me Robert Griffin III doesn't double-tap all of my girlfriend's Instagram photos with sinister motives.
It takes supreme, borderline frightening confidence to dress like Craig Sager at 21 years old, and this guy billows chutzpah from his pores.
Those who question the Redskins quarterback's moxie have clearly never seen this photo.