If I Were a Pro Sports Coach...

Have you ever wondered what you’d do in a position of power? What would you tell people to do? Where would you go? What would you do, if you got recognized?

Perhaps some of you out there live like this on a daily basis, but for me? I don’t. So I decided to play a little game of make-believe:

What would I do if I wear a professional sports coach?

Well, if I were a manager in Major League Baseball, then I’d wear a suit to the games. If I were coaching any other sport, then I’d wear a jersey to coach behind the bench. The point in this is that me and the Woz have had this conversation a few times: How come baseball managers are the only coaches that wear their team’s uniforms to games? Wouldn’t Lou Pinella be more enjoyable in a three-piece suit? What about Doc Rivers in a Celtics jersey?

I’d also be the guy telling my pitcher to mix in an underhanded pitch every few weeks, just to mess up the competition.

Actually, I’d sign Jenny Finch. I have memories of her striking out Johnny Damon and Kevin Millar (I might be wrong on the names, if someone can find me the video, I’d appreciate that), so why not give her a shot? I’m all for gender equalization!

If I were a professional sports coach, I’d have embarrassing nicknames for each and every one of my players. Then, I’d order the uniforms under those names for one day, and we’d play a home game with names like “Juice” and “Doc” and “Spits” on the back of our jerseys.

They say it’s not about the name on the back of the jersey so in that case, why not call them on it?

Then I’d have the players sign the jerseys and they’d be auctioned off. The proceeds of each player’s jersey would go to a charity of their choice, and then I would match the amount being donated with my own money (This is assuming I’m getting paid Joe Torre money here. I’m thinking anywhere from $5 million to $7 million a year. I mean, this sounds fair doesn’t it?).

If I coached in the NHL, I’d have a game where the players’ dads would come in and help them tie their skates—just like when they were kids—to bring back some of the fun to the game.

I wouldn’t be cruel enough to limit it to just fathers though, because not everyone has a father. Mothers, grandparents, even the players’ kids could get in on the fun if they wanted too.

And staying with the NHL, I’d train a defenseman to take face-offs for those situations when we’re at a five-on-three disadvantage.

What exactly do you have to lose if you train a defenseman to take face-offs and then have three solid defenders out there? I guess if you have a guy like Michael Peca something like this doesn’t apply to you, but if not, what’s the harm in it?

And who expects a goalie to take a shootout? Well guess what, I’ll send my goalie out there to take a shot. I mean, the "underused defenseman who'll get a shot because he's the last guy left" angle worked for Marek Malik, so why couldn’t it work for Dan Cloutier, Roberto Luongo, or Mathieu Garon.

I mean Garon can stop the puck in a shootout, we know that, but can he score?

If I coached in the NFL, you better believe you’re seeing at least one flea-flicker per game. I don’t even care what the situation is—if it’s 4th and 10 and we’re down by six on your 16 with 30 seconds to go in the fourth quarter and we haven’t run a flea-flicker yet…well, you better hope you read this article to know what’s coming.

If the game reaches overtime, then you better believe that I’m throwing another flea-flicker out there.

And while we’re on the subject of overtime, when was the last time you saw a 4-0-15 team in the NFL? I’ve determined that I’ll just convince my team to win the opening game of the regular season, tie everyone else in the remaining fifteen, and win-out in the playoffs.

So what if it's the cheap way out—my team is still undefeated isn't it?

And hey, screw videotaping, I’m sending artists to paint out opposing team’s scenarios.

As evidenced by Youtube, there are too many people out there who use cameras buyt don’t deserve to? Good artists however are dangerously undervalued in today's society and they're hard to find.

Besides, the NFL will never see it coming, and when’s the last time you saw someone get mad at a painter (aside from your mother yelling at dad because he painted the kitchen Blue and White instead of green…c’mon mom, Go Leafs Go! Feel the magic!)?

In the NBA, I’d sign Muggsy Bogues and just stick him on my centre’s shoulders. We all know that if you’re over 7’0 in the NBA that you become more injury prone, but if I draft a 6’5 guy that can balance Muggsy on his shoulders and NOT get accused of having too many men on the floor? 

I think I’ve found a weapon.

Keeping with the NBA, there’s too many perceived “attitude problems”. So to dispute that, before every home game, we showcase an individual player doing nice things, like helping old ladies cross the street, taking less-fortunate children to museums, and cooking for my family (if it’s up to me to cook for my family then yes, they would be classified as “less fortunate”).

In addition, for every game we won, we would do one hour of community service as a team. And not this fluky: “We’re just signing autographs in a mall and this is helping the community” community serivce—I mean we’ll be in soup kitchens, retirement homes, painting schools, reading to kids, just doing things that actually help people.

Sidenote: Actually, I’m starting to like this idea of me being a coach. Maybe I’ll pass my name onto Bill Simmons to enter the fray for head coach of the Milwaukee Bucks when he becomes GM. I mean why not? HELP MAKE HISTORY!!! (Just because I’m stealing her slogan am I in no way condoning Hillary Clinton. I may be Canadian, but I’m all for Barack Obama!)

So there you have it—what I would do if I was a coach. Sure, they may not be the best decisions in the world, but at least we’d be having fun, and building morale. And worse coaches than me have won championships, so it’s not like it I don’t have a chance right?

You can argue that they aren’t the smartest decisions in the world (and admittedly..some are questionable), and you can argue that I’m too concerned with random acts of lunacy than actually winning games, but there’s one thing you can’t deny:

It’d be one hell of a ride.

Let's make history!!