Most sports fans these days are well aware of the ongoing legend that is New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski.
But for the uninitiated, the story of this young man is a simple one:
He is Gronk. He is party. And he has a worse history of taking off his shirt than that guy from the Barenaked Ladies.
Every week, there seems to be a new picture of a shirtless Gronkowski getting his bingles bobbled poolside by some young fox in a zebra bikini, but we tend to forget there are actual pictures of this man doing amazing Gronk things with his clothes on.
Sure, they're rarer than holographic Charizards and fair-trade Sierra Leone diamonds, but they do exist.
And to prove it to you, here are 20 of the most patently Gronk, fully-clothed images of Rob Gronkowski you could ever ask for.
Now, he very well may not have a shirt on underneath it, but Gronkowski was at least covered up with a barber’s apron when he volunteered to shave his head for One Mission’s Buzz for Kids.
The Gronk doesn’t wear a shirt for just anyone, but he’ll always cover up for cancer awareness.
The Shirt: Those itchy, terrible barber’s aprons that you wear for 15 minutes of joyless, forced conversation with a stranger.
Just because you’re an athlete endorser doesn’t mean you have to sit there like a bump on a log, reading weak lines.
At least not if you’re Gronkowski, who took his Dunkin Donuts endorsement to the next level and began working the drive-thru one morning during the offseason in 2012.
The Shirt: A good, old-fashioned Gronkowski jersey. As if anyone in Massachusetts could forget who he is.
BodyArmor sports drinks teamed up with Gronkowski to “Gronk-spike” the competition this Christmas with this delectably cheesy commercial.
The Shirt: Nana’s home-knit Christmas sweater. The only way this gets better is with some Hobby Lobby faux-wood sticks and Christmas lights blinking on the front.
What do nuclear war, a fire and shiny objects all have in common?
None of them would be enough to break Gronkowski’s concentration on these young ladies in front of him.
The Shirt: A white University of Arizona t-shirt. Whether or not he’s wearing pants is a whole other discussion, however.
Gronk doesn’t pick up women like the rest of us. There’s no foot-shuffling and talk about each other’s jobs and nervous number-asking.
Nope, the Gronk literally just picks them up and says “I hope you got Snapchat, girl.” Which appears to be exactly what he did in this picture of him with a young lady at the movie premiere of Ted last fall.
The Shirt: Excuse me, the suit.
It’s rare enough to see Gronkowski in apparel featuring sleeves, but seeing him in a pinstriped suit and dress shirt is like seeing a narwhal breaching the polar ice north of Canada; extremely rare, and deeply moving.
After breaking his arm in the regular and postseason last season, Gronk’s decision to engage in a bit of roughhousing at a Vegas night club garnered him significant media attention and the ire of a sizeable chunk of the Patriots fanbase.
His response to the criticism? This Run DMC-esque “Sorry For Partying” shirt.
If there is one event during the year that Gronkowski will actually take seriously, it most certainly is not the ESPYs.
Sure, he showed up in his most formal wear, but nothing so inconsequential as a little dress attire would preclude the Gronk from doing wheelbarrow races on the red carpet at this year’s award ceremony.
The Shirt: Another fine suit equals another reason for him to completely disregard decorum.
If you didn’t know better, you would assume Gronkowski and Johnny Manziel were distant cousins.
They don’t look exactly the same, but both players are extremely talented athletes with penchants for endeavoring into off-the-field ridiculousness.
Obviously, it was only a matter of time until these two met. Surprisingly enough, no story has surfaced about Johnny Football and the Gronk sneaking into a cotton-candy factory and partying with a gaggle of Tempe 12 models later that night.
The Shirt: This New England Patriots-meets-“Where's Waldo?” shirt is certainly special. Just like Gronk.
Behold—the Spring of Gronk.
Gronkowski dressed up right for the 2010 NFL draft, and he and the whole Gronkowski clan barked like hounds when the Patriots traded up to steal him in the second round.
The Shirt: A gray draft-day suit. Not a quick outfit to pop off, but certainly the proper attire for this kind of event given the unlikelihood of impromptu Jell-O shots/Slip ‘n Sliding occurring.
Soaking wet, slightly confused and going in for the real thing with a random bro.
This picture is about as Gronk as it gets without causing a shirtless nightclub wrestling scene.
The Shirt: Expensive and came custom-soaked to Gronk's personal specifications.
The Button Game is the one where you unbutton a single button every hour while partying until you’re hanging completely loose.
By the looks of it, it was barely 1 a.m. when this image was taken, and Gronk was sweating Rumplemintz.
The Shirt: Definitely didn’t make it to 2 a.m.
When he was a youuuuung warthooooog! Lion King reference, anyone? No? Alright.
Anyways, this picture shows Gronkowski at the Nike Football Training Camp at Penn State in 2005.
He has a few more blemishes than he has now, but Gronk’s look (and love for sleeveless shirts) hasn’t changed much in the last eight years.
The Shirt: Free Nike Training gear—the best part of going to summer training camps.
No bodyslamming, chick-lifting or sexual connotations in this one. It’s just Gronkowski waving to fans at a Boston Bruins game in 2011 following one of those uncomfortable celebrity-in-the-building announcements.
Obviously, Gronk loved the hell out of it.
The Shirt: Gronk stayed noncommitted to the game with this bleak, green-striped shirt. Which begs the question: Is Gronkowski sponsored by Horizontal Stripes Inc., or just a fan of this whole Dennis the Menace look?
Gronk’s spread for ESPN The Magazine’s “Body Issue” involved everything but clothes.
The magazine’s celebration, however, was not an extension of that theme.
The Shirt: Silk shirt—breezy and lightweight. Almost feels like you’re not even wearing it. Which was the biggest pro for Gronkowski, presumably.
This is Gronkowski at the Playboy Golf Tournament. This is perfection.
Just sit there and enjoy it.
The Shirt: Awesome, but nowhere near the best part of this image.
When one imagines Gronkowski walking Bourbon Street, one certainly doesn’t envision a fully dressed man wearing a collared shirt
But keeping the American public off balance is exactly what Gronk likes to do, and that’s exactly what he did when he rolled up on this young New Orleans street vendor and handed him $100 for a cup of lemonade before Super Bowl XLVII.
The Shirt: Blue collared shirt, presumably perforated at the shoulder for quick sleeve-ripping, which is key when you’re Gronkowski in New Orleans.
You know how controversial rap artists release an edited version and a “Parental Advisory” edition of each of their albums?
That’s kind of what this picture is—an edited, safe-for-radio version of the shirtless photo Gronk took with adult film actress Bibi Jones that has made the Internet rounds in another one of my—and everyone else’s—articles.
It’s like Gronk took the initial shirtless picture, then put on this shirt and told Bibi, “Okay, now one for Mom.”
The Shirt: Gronk’s “I definitely didn’t just have familial relations with this woman” canary-yellow t-shirt.
It’s not fist-pumping, shirtless, off the bow of a cruise ship, but the image says it all.
“I, Gronk, am going to obliterate this town/hotel room.”
And the Summer of Gronk continued.
The Shirt: It appears to be a nice, soft linen—an ideal fabric for tearing off, ripping open and/or absorbing Bud Light Lime.