The First Federal Penitentiary League Draft
ESPN is always looking to expand its programming options to viewers, so here is a taste of what we may see should athletes continue to behave poorly.
Chris Berman: Welcome back to the 2008 Federal Penitentiary League Draft. Chris Berman here with Chris Mortensen and Mel Kiper, Jr. The next team on the clock, picking 17th here in the first round are the Hartford Hoods. Mort, where should the Hoods be looking?
Chris Mortensen: Well, Boomer, the Hoods need an enforcer—somebody who can go into the cell block and really bash some heads.
Chris Berman: Let’s head to the podium, and, once again, here’s Commissioner Michael Irvin.
Irvin: With the 17th selection, the Hartford Hoods select, Barry Bonds, lying to a federal grand jury.
Berman: So Bonds heads to Hartford. Mel, kind of a surprise selection here at 17?
Mel Kiper, Jr.: Well, Boom, you gotta love the resume Bonds comes into Hartford with. He’s definitely got the body after years of using the Clear and the Cream to withstand the punishment in that division. His hat size has grown from 6 ¾ in 1990 to 8 ½ in 2008, so he is much less likely to suffer a head injury. Bonds is a little on the old side, but I still think it’s a good move for Hartford to add some veteran leadership to a very young team.
Mortensen: That’s true, Mel. Hartford just signed 13 Florida State football players in free agency, so this veteran leadership will surely help.
Berman: Here at pick 18, it’s the second selection of the first round for the Texas Thug Life. With the second overall pick, they took a flier on Pac-Man Jones. Pac-Man only agreed to join the Thug Life if his curfew is extended until 6 a.m. and a strip club was built on prison property.
Irvin: With the 18th selection, my homies, the Thug Life, select Chris Henry, various crimes ranging from DUI to drug use to providing minors with alcohol.
Mel: So the Thug Life head back to the fertile ground of the West Virginia University football team to nab Chris Henry, a sleeper falling all the way to pick 18. This guy has all the intangibles of a valuable addition to this team: he doesn’t learn from past mistakes and is dumber than dirt. He really helped his draft stock at the combine when he stole $3,000 worth of jewelry from New York head coach Mike Tyson’s office.
Mort: That’s right, Mel. When Tyson set his pet tiger loose on Henry, he showed exceptional agility to avoid being eaten alive.
Berman: So, for those of you joining us late, here’s a look at the Top Five selections. A pretty clear No. 1 overall, Roger Clemens heads to the Georgia Gangsters. Second, of course, was Pac-Man Jones to the Thug Life. With the third pick, Las Vegas team president Pete Rose surprised Mel by choosing golfer John Daly. Rose told us he wasn’t sure if Daly was big into gambling. With all of Daly’s other vices, however, Rose bet us he would be a solid addition.
Mort: With the fourth pick, the Yakima Yard Dogs selected Michael Vick. And rounding out the Top Five, the ghetto-fabulous St. Louis Soldiers went with Ray Lewis. He was acquitted a few years back in murder cases, but the team still feels he has outstanding potential.
Berman: Let’s head back to the Commissioner.
Irvin: With the 19th selection, the Pennsylvania Punks and Hustlers select, Cedrick Wilson, former Pittsburgh Steeler, bitch-slapping his woman.
Mel: Well, this just goes to show what some recent activity can do to your draft stock. Wilson was probably a late-round selection after an initial altercation with this woman, but he skyrocketed up the draft boards last week.
Mort: That’s right, Mel. Wilson walked into a crowded bar, sat down next to this woman, and allegedly punched her in the face before quickly leaving. He never had the guts to go over the middle in pass routes, but this took some guts to punch a woman in front of about 90 witnesses.
Berman: Mel, who’s left on your ‘Best Available’ list?
Mel: Todd Bertuzzi nearly broke Steve Moore’s neck during a game in 2004 and was charged with assault. And there are plenty of other viable candidates still on the board.
Berman: Time for another break. When we come back, we’ll sit down and talk with the president of the Los Angeles Bandits, OJ Simpson...
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