Minnesota Twins: Going with the Numbers

Gaylon TeSlaaContributor IMarch 24, 2009

TAMPA, FL - FEBRUARY 28:  Pitcher Francisco Liriano #47 of the Minnesota Twins pitches against the New York Yankees during a Grapefruit League Spring Training Game at George M. Steinbrenner Field on February 28, 2009 in Tampa, Florida.  (Photo by J. Meric/Getty Images)

Ha! Ha!! Ha!!!

Yuk it up twinkie fans!

On the homer dome's swan song season, in an era when STILL baseball intelligencia bemoans small market strategies and futures (in the sense of futile options trading being as solid a future as executive salaries at bailed out Wall Street insurance companies) as hapless against certain winners like A-Rod & Co.  

Life is good when you're the best, huh?  That's what you were hoping the Twins to be this year, right?

Wait! Contrarians of every denomination, stripe, and breed take note!  Eighty percent of respondents...and we emphasize that THIS sample population is comprised of 100 percent apolitical and non-partisan baseball junkies...would bet their 401k's on the Minnetonka Twinkies...Minnewhatever's...being winners of the Central division of the American League in 2009.

Get it?  

"Get what,?, you're likely thinking.  

'Conventional wisdom' is what I'm alluding to. Huh? Conventional wisdom...picking the most un-cool, nerd-based franchise this side of the Bidwell Cardinals making sense?   Hmm.

There WAS that stupid bowl game thing, but I thought I'd just succumbed to an excessively highly peppered beef Doritos jag. So you're saying that catcher's sideburns are back in style? Geez!?

Eighty percent of those polled picked the Twins to win their division. Well, that being the case, let me introduce you to a little contrarian stock traders' tool referred to as the VIX - the Volatility Index.

Basically speaking, when the stock market gets more and more unstable with uncertainty...read that—FEAR—the VIX goes suddenly and dramatically up, causing people to think the unthinkable trend will never end.  

When fear and uncertainty reach a peak...when irrational fear reaches an irrational height, it is THEN, and only then, that the stock market is overdue (to correct) and as certain as ever to rebound...back to its senses.

When 80 percent of respondents are coming to the completely illogical conclusion of Minnesota being the favorite in their division...then, and ONLY then, is the world certain to revert back onto its original axis.  

I too have rooted for the Twinkies for decades...I used to listen to Herb Carneall (sp?) on the radio in the '70's doing the play-by-play between Schlitz and Pabst Blue Ribbon commercials...the ultimate darling loser for the ages for whom Harmon Killebrew slugged over 500 homers but never truly meant the contenders of the day any harm!

Harm went to selling cars "one at a time", Rod Carew, Tony Oliva, and countless talented players (all except Kirby Puckett) went to play for the Angels, Red Sox, or the (damned) Yankees—depending upon their winning aspirations versus salary—and now four out of five people are expecting the Twins to win their division?

As a highly skilled, capable, competent contrarian, I am terribly sorry to inform every one of you—especially all of you markedly hopeful Twins' fans, of the impending disappointment.

Third place at best is ALL you can expect with all of this irrational optimism! 

Maybe next year. Go fishing. Unless you secretly relish the spectacle of A-Rod   vindicating himself post-injury, and clutch hitting his team (uncharacteristically) into the postseason, I strongly suggest a large pre-purchase of Pabst or Schlitz to bait your hook by.  

Sure, CC will start the year looking like his arm is falling off, but by the end of June it will be YOUR pitchers congregating on the D.L. and CC' getting it straight'! People in the Midwest KNOW all too well that 'what goes around, comes around', and also know all too well NOT to get the hopes too high!  

You have SO much more going for you than CUBS fans, Twinkie backers! Accept your miracle come-from-behind World Series win every 1-2 decades and relish that no nonsense birthright! Garage logic is NOT compatible with Man-Ram or Kobe Bryant—and I KNOW you follow me THERE!   

And so, you SHOULD know that with 2009 being ruined by the media expectations, start lowering team expectations for a miracle rebound season—your first in getting back to nature (outdoors)—in 2010!  

Go ahead and get any pitchers their preventative Tommy John surgeries right NOW so they'll be back next spring. Let Mauer get FULLY healed up - heck, put him on 'roids to bring him back stronger—while he's recuperating and exempt from testing!  

After all, it'll likely SNOW during your first home games in April 2010, and some extra strength 'does a body GOOD', right? Here's to setting up for a 2010 comeback and a WS title! Play your 'cards' right and you'll be there!  


Metaphorically, superstitiously, and successfully counter intuitively yours,