Someone has been doing the John Kruk fitness regimen, because Derek Jeter is now fat.
Instead of looking like the Yankees captain, world-renowned Don Juan or jacked-up beefcake he once did, now he just looks like he wants to take a nap.
Well, they weren't as obvious as all that. There were other words in their report, some of them quite wonderful, but it all came down to one thing.
Jeter is a tub.
Here is a picture of Jeter, who is understandably out of shape as he continues to rehab the ankle he fractured during the 2012 ALCS.
Bask in the glory that is last night's Sbarro's run that Jeter now wears around the midsection.
I used to look at this man and think, it must take immense work to look like that and be that good at baseball.
Now I look at him and think, damn, I forgot my daily allotment of Chalupas.
For once, the playing field is level. This slayer of world-class fine females and hitter of major league fastballs is chubby.
Take one less rep at the gym today, guys. Consider it a gift from me to you.
Before you few wearing a Jeter replica lambaste me for making light of your hero who is now heavy, please know that I am of gargantuan size as well.
It's why I love fat athletes. They make me feel like more of a go-getter than I already am, so I am giddy with every single pound Vince Carter gains and grow somber with every ounce Eddy Curry decided to lose.
Obviously, Jeter will go back to that sculpted otherworldly masculine form that women apparently like, but now we know what the future holds.
He will rehab that ankle and get back to work, but Jeter will one day retire and look more like me but with less pastrami hanging out the end of his mouth. Or he will come complete with pastrami.
The point is he is fat now, will again one day be fat and we can all stop trying so damn hard.
Why are you running an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill? How come you decided to get a salad with lunch instead of those chili fries?
We are all going to end up looking like Jeter anyway.
Now pick up your burritos and cheers to the buxom, zaftig body of the wonderful Yankees legend, Derek Jeter.
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