If you happen to see some really fat guy on your TV screen on Sunday, don't adjust your set. That's just the new Nike jerseys, or some really fat guy.
I will assume, "Does this make my butt look too big?" and "Can you see my love handles?" are actual questions in football locker rooms these days.
And that gives me the giggles.
Alex Boone, a 300-pound lineman for the 49ers, sounds off on the issue with the new Nike jerseys, saying:
I hate them. They are built for thin guys. It makes me look like I have big old love handles. It makes me look fat, and I'm not fat.
I see, Mr. Boone. So you say the jerseys are like sausage casings, making you look like one big 49ers chorizo?
While pushing 340 pounds, Terrence Cody of the Ravens agrees. "I don't really care for the new jerseys. I feel like they should put different material in for the big guys," Cody said in the report.
The report argues a good amount of players love tight jerseys, simply because they give less material for opposing players to grab onto.
A Nike spokesman did have this to offer:
We have 40 years of experience in the football business and the idea in our products is for optimal performance and we work with the athletes to find fit and function. The uniforms are available in a variety of sizes and cuts for different players with enhanced performance in mind.
For the big guys, they say they spend a good amount of time pulling their shirts down, feeling awkward and constricted in their dress—especially when their jerseys get wet.
This is a problem that doesn't just affect those forced to trot out on a field wearing Nike swag on Sunday. Big men around the world will tell you it's hard to find clothes that don't make us all look like Gabriel Iglesias.
We may have that one pair of jeans or that one shirt that in the right light and at the right time of day doesn't make us look like the most unhealthy specimen since John Daly in the '90s.
So, NFL players, we understand your plight.
While hilarious, this is actually a serious issue. Look good, play well is one thing, but when players actually spend a good amount of the game thinking about their attire and fixing it, it's lost all of its advantages.
So when you see that 300-pound lineman, head held low in shame, resist the urge to call him fat. The TV adds 10 pounds and these jerseys, apparently, add quite a bit more.
Follow me on Twitter because what the hell, right?
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!