Surely you've heard the speculation about Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow's name being mentioned for the next season of ABC's televised diabolical dating plague on humanity—better known as The Bachelor. Apparently the hubbub started as a joke by host Chris Harrison, but the story soon took on a life of its own.
And you thought Tebowmania would die in the offseason! Tebow was quick to dispel the rumors via a statement on Twitter. True to form, Tebow was funny and gracious about the whole stupid circus. He has a gift for saying just the right thing.
Obviously, it's not going to happen, but if it did there are plenty of new viewers who would tune in out of morbid curiosity. But Tebow doesn't actually have to appear on The Bachelor to know what would have happened, because every season of that living reality nightmare is exactly the same.
Having been a (very ashamed) regular viewer of the show for awhile, I can tell you exactly what would have happened had he agreed to participate in this national embarrassment.
Let's get started.
Well, actress might be too limiting. Every season on The Bachelor there is at least one girl who is a "dancer," "singer," "actress," or some failed occupation in the arts who is getting paid to be a contestant on a dating show.
The televised dating and exchange of sexual favors with a man for money is acting, right? No wait...I think there's another word for that.
Some girls are criers and some girls are able to handle the pressure without turning on the waterworks. Then there are the girls who can't make it through lunch each day without breaking down into a sobbing teary-eyed mess over something...anything.
There is at least one such woman cast on each season of The Bachelor, but often there's a number of them battling for attention and pity from the group.
On every season of The Bachelor there is always at least one "lady" who is accused of being there for the "wrong reasons." This is probably the worst possible sin one could commit in the shallow, backbiting world of The Bachelor.
According to the hateful shrews and the mentally unstable sexpots who appear on the show each season, the "wrong reasons" can be anything from a girl using the show to get ahead in their "career" to a girl who is (GASP!) "different" with the bachelor than she is with the other girls.
The whole thing is very ironic, since there are no "right reasons" to appear on this diabolical dating disaster. In Tebow's case, the "wrong reasons" would probably be some girl who is just there to defile this chaste young man.
Your mission isn't to tame him ladies, it's to turn him loose and let him be some other chick's problem down the road when he's in bed with her whimpering and apologizing.
The new way to attract heaps of negative attention on The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette) is to reveal that you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Either that, or have it revealed for you by the untrustworthy narc-jags in your life.
In the most recent season of ABC's dating apocalypse, not-so-cunning Casey is confronted by host Chris Harrison about being contacted by "multiple sources" who claimed she was still in love with her ex and that they were "practically living together" prior to the show.
Until recently this had been something that the male contestants on The Bachelorette were pulling routinely, but now that the attention-seeking ploy has worked for the ladies, it will become a staple every season.
Paging Alicia Sacramone!
There are a lot of scarily aggressive broads (with a side of crazy) out there. These women make for fantastic television, so it's no surprise that they've been turning up on The Bachelor with increasing regularity.
These types are glaringly obvious to the viewing audience from day one, but the bachelor is usually captivated by the crazy for quite awhile. He eventually wises up after the suitor finally crosses the Vicky Mendoza diagonal into craziness that outweighs her hotness.
Tim Tebow would probably be scared much more easily early on than most of the other bachelors, so this type of woman wouldn't make it beyond the first two weeks.
There's nothing the emotionally manipulative producers of The Bachelor love more than the back-story of a single parent who is irresponsible enough to appear on reality television.
There are two back-stories for a contestant with a child—an unpleasant divorce from a dude she married too young, or a tragic and untimely death of the husband nobody will ever live up to.
Obviously, in the case of bachelor Tim Tebow, the producers would go with the tragic and untimely death of the husband nobody will ever live up to...or will they?
On The Bachelor, no matter how old the actual bachelor is, most of the girls are between the ages of 21 and 24 years old, which means that any woman over the age of 28 looks positively over-the-hill and is subjected to undue criticism.
Anywhere in the real world Ms. Gwen would probably be quite a catch for your average single man. Unfortunately, in the world of The Bachelor, she's just a bitter old cougar who is too embarrassed to reveal her own age on television.
Please don't get me wrong, though. Gwen is lovely and any of you would be lucky to land such a catch.
Every season on The Bachelor you are guaranteed to see at least one date that involves a helicopter, but on most seasons the helicopter is a weekly occurrence.
It's never a surprise when a helicopter shows up to pick people up for a date on The Bachelor; what's a surprise is that the idiot people involved are actually surprised to see the helicopter.
Guess what...they have one on standby and it's probably parked in your yard. Bonus: There's no way you're going to die in a fiery helicopter crash with Saint Timothy on board.
It probably doesn't come as a surprise that most girls find it easier to appear on The Bachelor as long as they have a drink in their hand from morning until night.
I'm not sure what happens during the taping of this show, but WTF is going on that it seems normal to be drinking champagne first thing in the morning on some kind of water craft?
Maybe they just can't stand to be around each other unless they are both completely sauced?
Listen, nobody is required to have a great occupation in order to "find love" on reality television—honestly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nanny.
Seriously, someone has to take care of rich people's jag-off children, and there is nothing wrong with being a nanny. That being said, any adult should think twice (and thrice) about marrying a super hot babysitter.
Nothing ever works out in such scenarios.
Sometimes alcohol makes us engage in the kind of public behavior that makes us wish we'd have never been born and/or signed an ABC legal waiver to appear on a hateful reality dating show that supplies us with enough alcohol to make bad decisions a definitive.
Obviously, getting drunk enough to make awkward conversation and then remove your panties and force them into the hands of a guy who you would never be interested in outside of television qualifies as a bad decision in this instance.
Seriously, she just gave him her panties.
Reality television is for people with inexplicably inflated self-esteem because their massive egos can stand up to massive public scrutiny. The Bachelor usually lands a few of these types to play the sexpots and villains, as they make for good television.
Unfortunately, the producers tend to round out the cast with emotionally fragile basket cases who are heart-breakingly desperate to be loved by some goober they just met. It'd be funny if it wasn't so depressing...OK, it's usually a little funny.
Anytime you put 25 women in a room and give them alcohol from dawn till dusk, there is always going to be one girl who rubs most of them the wrong way. I'm pretty sure that's just science.
Usually the offending broad brings a little of this on herself, but the mob mentality in the house means that the overgrown mean girls tend to go overboard with their retaliation via bitter gossip and psychological torture.
This is usually the girl who is hated by all the other girls, for obvious reasons. She's also usually the only girl on the show worth tuning in to watch each week.
When all of the desperate fools are cooing over the one-man center of their universe, this girl is usually getting drunk and keeping it real.
Often times this girl gets very far or even wins the competition (because she recognizes that it is a competition), but something tells me this type would be weeded out by Timmy Tebow early on.
Which is good, because I don't think he could handle a girl like this.
This has become a thing in recent seasons of The Bachelor—someone is eliminated or forced to leave for personal reasons, only to later realize a grave mistake has been made and they try to return to the show.
It almost never works because it's both creepy and weird. The only time it ever did work was on one season of The Bachelorette, and that's just because women are forgiving and tend to make very bad decisions.
There's the type of crazy that possesses an otherwise gorgeous and successful woman to apply to be on The Bachelor. It's a little nuts and such, but overall that kind of crazy is relatively benign and could be easily disguised as a personality quirk.
Then there's the type of crazy that makes millions of viewers wonder how you were even available to be cast on The Bachelor, making it clear that a mental hospital in your hometown is missing a very unstable patient.
These types only come along every few seasons, but you can be certain that the producers would search every mental ward in this country to find a beautiful lunatic to frighten Tim Tebow.
You know what I'm talking about. These days there are sandwich artists working at Subway, coffee chemists working at Starbucks and petroleum specialists working at gas stations.
Many "ladies" who have been cast on The Bachelor have applied this fun concept to their own occupations. Babysitters are childcare professionals, the unemployed are aspiring actresses, bartenders are mixologists and, apparently, hairdressers are "manscapers."
Okay that sounds mean, but sadly it's true. Take the stunning Ms. Gia Allemand for example, who said the following about fellow Bachelor Pad contestant Wes Hayden after he sang her an original song that has all of four words in the entire thing:
He's like the modern day Shakespeare! But better...and cuter!
There's no way she has any clue what Shakespeare looks like. See the video here.
In 16 seasons of the plague on humanity that is ABC's The Bachelor, there has almost always been at least one contestant with a misguided assessment of what she has to offer in the looks department.
Most of the girls are indescribably beautiful and relatively successful professionally, but the producers like to mix it up a little.
Vienna Girardi (see photo) is a great example of this—she's as confident and cocky a contestant to ever appear on the show, and yet she's utterly unemployed and looks every bit the part. Where does that kind of baseless confidence come from?
If Tim Tebow were to appear as the bachelor on The Bachelor, the one person he could count on to supply him with a never ending stream of pointless cliches about love and life would be cheeseball host Chris Harrison.
No matter the scenario or the scenery, Harrison is always on hand to provide absolutely no insight and offer nothing of substance to the situation or the discussion at hand. He's literally the most useless, soulless man in show business.
The tearful limo exit is a time-honored tradition on The Bachelor, and each season there is at least one broad who completely loses her marbles over the departure. Even though the whole show is a circus side show, I give most of them a pass on the limo tears because being dumped sucks...even if you signed up for it.
That being said, some of the girls really take it to a whole other level with the dramatics. Shedding a few tears is acceptable. Sobbing uncontrollably, cursing and screaming "Why, God why!? How could this happen again!?" is unacceptable.
You know for a fact that girls would get uncomfortably attached to the wholesome and adorable Tim Tebow within hours. Most exits would probably look like this, even on the very first night.
This is a tactic producers of The Bachelor routinely use as a ploy to bring the new "couple" closer together. It may seem unspeakably stupid, but it almost always works on these simpletons.
In recent seasons panicked girls in bikinis have been forced to needlessly jump from helicopters, repel off slippery jagged cliffs, scale the side of Las Vegas landmarks and take terrified flights in a hot air balloon ride.
Good luck finding something that Timmy Tebow is afraid of...although I bet the producers have a good working relationship with Satan.
Actually, this probably wouldn't happen! Every woman on the show would probably be desperate to lure Timmy Terrific into the hot tub and do something that would embarrass their family, but something tells me he'd be difficult to convince with the cameras rolling.
Off camera though, who knows.
Every season cornball host Chris Harrison teases what can only be described as the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER!
Every season the audience is completely let down by what is, other than a panic attack or extra sobby sobbing, the same mundane spectacle it always is.
The ridiculously phony feeling relationship wouldn't last for more than a few weeks in the real world; this is the one thing we know for absolute certain. Season 16 of The Bachelor just finished airing on ABC and it's rumored the happy couple have already been broken up for weeks.
This stupid show is not about finding love or whatever that smug toolbag Chris Harrison claims it's about. The show is about locking a group of beautiful, unstable women inside a mansion, handing them alcohol and recording their embarrassing, self-nullifying behavior.
Which is why I know my man Timmy Terrific would never stoop to this kind of nonsense and why Chris Harrison should be arrested for even implying such an atrocity could take place.