The Pro Bowl is tonight! Who's watching? Crickets chirp. Apparently the crickets are hardcore NFL fans!
All-Star games have always been a tricky proposition. It is not easy to sell fans on relatively meaningless games.
The NBA is successful because basketball fans enjoy 150-145 games in which defense is optional and highlight reels are the norm.
The MLB All-Star game is successful because of this moronic idea that the winning league gets home-field advantage at the World Series. The NHL All-Star game is now predicated on feuding captains from rival teams.
In the Pro Bowl, players go half-speed to avoid injury. That's all the players who couldn't make up a valid enough excuse to sit out the game.
Therefore, the NFL should get rid of the actual game itself as we know it. Instead, there should be some innovative ideas to get the fans to watch.
For all of these contests, throw in $25,000 to make the players at least try to win. James Harrison's fine money can be put to good use here. The biggest focal point of the Combine can be one of the biggest focal points of the Pro Bowl.
We can call this "The Al Davis Invitational" because of his fascination with the 40-yard dash and strong-armed QBs.
It would be very awkward if someone not on the Raiders wins the contest.
Who Can Throw it the Longest Contest
The strongest arm contest would have been in honor of Al Davis, too. "Go vertical" were the two sacred words of the Raiders' passing offense under Davis. Raiders QB Carson Palmer would probably throw an interception in honor of Al Davis.
QB Accuracy Contest
Tim Tebow would definitely be the favorite here.
Bench Press Contest
It would be hilarious to see someone fail a drug test after that person wins the bench press contest.
"I am sure a lot of despicable Ravens fans want to see Billy Cundiff kick the bucket. Unfortunately for them, he would probably miss." -@NotBillWalton
Anyway, in this contest the kickers would try to make the longest field goal. Each field goal starts from 40 yards and increases five yards after each made field goal. The winner gets $50,000, the fine Ray Lewis will receive after he attacks Billy Cundiff at the Pro Bowl.
The Pro Bowl should be an opportunity for regular fans to play football at the highest level for a living. Fans would love to try to be the next Vince Papale.
Here is how the new Pro Bowl works: there are two 32-man teams pitting AFC fans vs. NFC fans. The only rule is that each player must have never been drafted or tried out for an NFL team before. A player can only play once in this game.
Imagine the intensity of the players as the stakes are at astronomical heights. The so-called draft would take place right after the game.
Wouldn't it be hilarious to see a hardcore Raiders fan get drafted by the Broncos? It would definitely be hilarious to see the Ravens trade up to get a kicker. Imagine a Steelers fan complaining about a helmet-to-helmet hit not being called for a penalty.
The winning team's players get to be selected by NFL teams. For example, the Colts would pick first in the "I probably won't make the team but it would still be fun to try out" draft.
The losing team's players get to spend the rest of their collective existence in shame for losing their opportunity to hold Andrew Luck's jockstrap.
This is my most barbaric solution. I highly doubt the squeaky-clean Roger Goodell would go for this, but if he is desperate for ratings, this might very well be a solution.
It would be totally fantastic to see Ray Lewis and Billy Cundiff in the same room, albeit incredibly unfair. Same with Peyton Manning and Jim Irsay. What about James Harrison and Roger Goodell?
Entertainment equals ratings. Ratings are the whole point of this article.
I think this contest can be a lot like the Little League World Series in that opposing parents will accuse kids of being too old.
The Punt, Pass and Kick competition is a great idea. Having the Pop Warner national championship game on the day of the Pro Bowl can be very interesting.
Watching crazy and overzealous parents accuse each other of having fake birth certificates will be very interesting. Watching to see if there is anyone from the Dominican Republic is another story to think about.
Anyway, the winners can be honored at the halftime of the Pro Bowl. The losers can just spend the rest of their lives aspiring to actually play in the Pro Bowl, so they can carry the bags of the winners during training camp.
Yes, I know these ideas are a bit outrageous. But the United States of America is the same country that watches Jersey Shore and the Kardashians en masse. Its citizens will appreciate any excuse to watch their beloved National Football League.
This country was built on outrageous ideas such as declaring independence from the England with half of its own population supporting the British.
I will let this epic tweet rest my case for improving the Pro Bowl.
"Trying to disappear from angry fans, Billy Cundiff has decided to hide out at the NFL Pro Bowl. Smart move, I doubt anyone will be watching." -@NotBillWalton
Thanks for reading!