2011 NFL Draft: Analysis from a Random Fan

1. Cam Newton (QB) - Carolina Panthers: I don't know, has some Jamarcus-y qualities to him. Also has some FU everybody for doubting me I'm going to dominate qualities to him.

I'm torn. By the way, Fig Newtons are way more delicious than Fig Newmans. Those things are gross.

2. Von Miller (OLB) - Denver Broncos: He seemed genuinely happy to be drafted.

Only linebacker drafted in the first round. Stud linebacker in college = stud linebacker in the pros. Take it to the bank!

3. Marcell Dareus (DT) - Buffalo Bills: He'll probably be good. Or not. You never seem to hear about the bust defensive tackle.

I guess Ryan Leaf played the wrong position. Revelation!

4. A.J. Green (WR) - Cincinnati Bengals: Immediately following the draft, gave himself the nickname A.J. "You better pay me a lot of" Green "to stay in Cincy." 

Classic wide receiver move.

5. Patrick Peterson (CB) - Arizona Cardinals: Joins his brothers Adrian, Julian and Mike in the NFL.

Well, not his real brothers, but as Chris Berman is wont to say, you know what I mean. 

6. Julio Jones (WR) - Atlanta Falcons: Perfected his route running catching passes from Paul Simon down by the schoolyard.

7. Aldon Smith (DE) - San Francisco 49ers: A Gabbert/Dalton selection would have registered at least a 6.0 on the richter scale of interest for the City.

An Aldon Smith selection? 0.00003 interest.

8. Jake Locker (QB) - Tennessee Titans: You know in the locker room, how player's lockers have their nameplates at the top of them? 

9. Tyron Smith (OT) - Dallas Cowboys: Good pick, I guess.

I don't really have anything to write about this guy. Form your own opinions.

10. Blaine Gabbert (QB) - Jacksonville Jaguars: Gabbert Gabbert Hey! Gabbert Gabbert Why? That's what David Garrard sang during his Ramones cover band practice tonight.

11. J.J. Watt (DE) - Houston Texans: Watt were they thinking? Actually, he's probably outstanding, watt do I know? 

12. Christian Ponder (QB) - Minnesota Vikings: Irate Minnesota headline writers are going to have a field day with this one.

Vikes Already Ponder 2012 Draft. Fans Ponder 0-16 Season. Favre Ponders Comeback? Joe Webb Ponders UFL Career.

13. Nick Fairley (DT) - Detroit Lions:  The Motor City was Fairley pleased with their new import falling so far. Eminem was also Fairley pleased. And also angry at the same time, as usual.

14. Robert Quinn (DE) - St. Louis Rams: The last time a Quinn was drafted his name was Brady. And we all know how that one turned out, don't we?

Quinn me once, shame on you. Quinn me twice, shame on me. Or something like that.

15. Mike Pouncey (C) - Miami Dolphins: Supposedly, Pittsburgh was going to make a run at trading up to pair him with his brother on the O-line. They waited too long to Pouncey.

16. Ryan Kerrigan (DE) - Washington Redskins: Remember when Nancy Kerrigan got Gilloolied?

There were some other really good sports stories during that time: O.J. murdering people, Jordan playing in the minors, the baseball strike (a real one!). All we have now is steroids.

Ryan Kerrigan has a lot to live up to.

17. Nate Solder (OT) - New England Patriots: More like a Solder of Good Fortune, huh? Am I right?

You know, because the Patriots are good. Follow me to freedom!

18. Corey Liuget (DT)- San Diego Chargers: According to draft experts (not me -- not that I don't agree, just that I'm not an expert), Liuget is...bona fide!

You thought I was going to say legit. Nope, I went to thesaurus.com and pulled the ol' switcheroo.

19. Prince Amukamara (CB) - New York Giants: Three cornerbacks drafted in the first round, but no safeties. Strange.

There's usually at least one or two big hitters a la Polamolecule selected. Not this year. 

20. Adrian Clayborn (DE) - Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Regal-sounding name. Not as regal as Prince, though. He always has to one up you, doesn't he? 

21. Phil Taylor (DT) - Cleveland Browns: From Baylor. No, it's true. Look it up.

22. Anthony Castonzo (OT) - Indianapolis Colts: Draft legend Todd McShay, arch nemesis of Mel Kiper, thought Anthony G. (stands for George) Castonzo was the best pick of the first round. For whatever that's worth. Whatevah!

23. Danny Watkins (OG) - Philadelphia Eagles: Watkins? You're having a T-Bone? Well, we should call you T-Bone. Danny "T-Bone" Watkins. Good guard name. 

24. Cameron Jordan (DE) - New Orleans Saints: The Contra Costa Times (covered Jordan at Cal) mock drafted him to go 12 to the Vikings.

Good value for NO according to the Bay Area.

25. James Carpenter (OG) - Seattle Seahawks: His hand size is 9.6". I just measured mine. About 7.5". Just one of myriad reasons I am not in the NFL.

26. Jon Baldwin (WR) - Kansas City Chiefs: Always picked first for touch football by Alec during family reunions.

27. Jimmy Smith (CB) - Baltimore Ravens: Didn't he already get drafted by the Jags? And star in L.A. Law? He dropped a little from his projections, but at least he had Drew Rosenhaus wearing a teal polo by his side for moral support.

28. Mark Ingram (RB) - New Orleans Saints: First! Ingram wrote that in the Comments section on reggiebush.com.

29. Gabe Carimi (OT) - Chicago Bears: Has the potential to be the most famous athlete ever named Gabe. I really blew it. Mom said I had so much potential.

30. Muhammad Wilkerson (DE) - New York Jets: My brain was on autopilot by this time, so I may be mistaken, but was Cee-Lo one of his uncles?

31. Cameron Heyward (DE) - Pittsburgh Steelers: Son of Ironhead Heyward, already lobbying teammates to call him Goldhead.

32. Derek Sherrod (OT) - Green Bay Packers: 8th and final offensive lineman drafted on Day 1. 

We want football! We want football!

First round position tally: QB - 4, RB - 1, WR - 3, C - 1, OG - 2, OT - 5, DT - 4, DE - 8, LB - 1, CB - 3, S - 0, K - 0, P - 0