2012 NFL Free Agency: Peyton Manning and Backup Plans for Every Team

How dare New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin hijack the sports world’s attention away from still-brittle Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.

Ever since the Colts clinched the first pick in this April’s NFL draft way back in December, the media has been fascinated with the tit-for-tat dialogue between No. 18 and Indy owner Jim Irsay. Sporting outlets have burned countless on-air hours and thousands of words trying to predict where the world’s most famous neck will end up—if he doesn’t retire. Should Manning return, a number of franchises will surely fight for his services, but only one fanbase will land Eli’s older brother. The spurned teams need not worry, as there are measures every NFL club can take to hedge themselves should they lose the Peyton Manning sweepstakes.

AFC East

New England Patriots: The Patriots will easily be able to find an experienced technician to install Tom Brady’s Direct TV should Manning not land in Foxborough.

Miami Dolphins: Newly minted head coach Joe Philbin should be able to lure sought-after Green Bay quarterback Matt Flynn, his former protégé, to South Beach.

New York Jets: Gang Green can look forward to another season with Mark Sanchez under center. Maybe Eli could walk across the hall and serve as a mentor.

Buffalo Bills: The Bills make frequent trips to Canada, making it easy to scout the Canadian Football League’s best quarterback. To be fair, Ryan Fitzpatrick has shown potential. Plus, he’s a Harvard graduate playing in the Empire State.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens: Incumbent Joe Flacco wants top-five money. It’s probably in Baltimore’s best interest to sign him and look for a suitable backup, maybe David Garrard or Kyle Orton.

Cleveland Browns: It should be easy for the Browns to move up to No. 2 and draft Baylor star Robert Griffin III. Heisman Trophy winners and Browns quarterback draftees always work out in the pros, right?

Cincinnati Bengals: If a night partying with Adam Jones can’t lure Manning to the Queen City, Bengals owner Mike Brown will surely spend for a quality backup for Andy Dalton.

Pittsburgh Steelers: No worries, Ben Roethlisberger might be the toughest man in the league. Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch are capable reserves.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck. Once again, Andrew Luck.

Houston Texans: Rumors are swirling that the Texans might dump Matt Schaub in favor of their former conference nemesis. They shouldn’t and need to reassure Schaub, and backup T.J. Yates, of their commitment to them. Case Keenum could also stay in town.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Move to Los Angeles and pray Blaine Gabbert pans out and visits a barber.

Tennessee Titans: Let Matt Hasselbeck tutor Jake Locker for another season.

AFC West

Oakland Raiders: Why would you want Peyton Manning? You have Carson Palmer and Terrelle Pryor. Keep an eye on the next Stanford or Cal quarterback.

San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers has been as durable as they come. The Chargers, however, would do well to draft someone a little down the draft board, such as Wisconsin’s Russell Wilson, to groom should Rivers go down.

Denver Broncos: The Johns (Fox and Elway) don’t really trust Tim Tebow. Sending out some feelers to Garrard wouldn’t hurt if a drafting signal-caller isn’t in the plan.

Kansas City Chiefs: Scott Pioli and Romeo Crennel should take a run at New England backup Brian Hoyer to compete with the inconsistent Matt Cassel.

NFC East

New York Giants: Don’t worry, your Eli is working out fine.

Dallas Cowboys: Should Peyton Manning not come to Big D and Tony Romo get lost on the links, in-state product Ryan Tannehill, a Texas A&M product, might look nice with a star on his helmet. Oklahoma State’s Brandon Weeden is another option to team with fellow Cowboy Dez Bryant.

Philadelphia Eagles: Andy Reid has hitched his wagon to Michael Vick. Manning isn’t coming.

Washington Redskins: The nation’s capital (well, actually Landover) is one of the most talked about landing spots for Peyton. No team might need a quarterback more than the Redskins, who, if they don’t get Manning, have to—I repeat, have to—move up and draft RGIII. Not Matt Flynn, not Kyle Orton. RGIII.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers: After a six-touchdown showing, the Packers are likely to lose Flynn to free agency. Wilson is already a Cheesehead and would be a great addition.

Chicago Bears: A suspect offensive line, wounded running back and two games against Jared Allen and Ndamukong Suh each make the Windy City the worst spot for a statuesque quarterback with a bad neck. Chicago needs to concentrate on drafting, or signing, a capable backup for Jay Cutler. Orton comes to mind.

Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford isn’t going to be unseated by anyone.

Minnesota Vikings: With a dome, stud running back and high-pressure defense, Minnesota could be a good stop for Manning. The Vikings need to keep grooming Christian Ponder but could benefit from inking a veteran like Garrard to contract.

NFC South

New Orleans Saints: If the Super Bowl-hosting Saints can’t get Manning to return home, they have a full-coverage insurance plan in Drew Brees, who—correct me if I’m wrong—completely outplayed and defeated Manning in the Super Bowl a few years back. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Josh Freeman is sturdier than many homes in Tampa but regressed last season. Returning him on a path to greatness should be new head coach Greg Schiano’s top priority.

Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton broke most of Manning’s rookie passing records and is in no danger of be replaced.

Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta hasn’t been a rumored destination, but Matt Ryan needs to learn how to win in the playoffs.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks: If Pete Carroll can’t convince Manning to come to the Pacific Northwest, he should tank the season and draft former protégé Matt Barkley with a high draft pick in 2013.

San Francisco 49ers: Jim Harbaugh has already pledged his allegiance to Alex Smith.

St. Louis Rams: No team will play a bigger role in the upcoming draft than the Rams. Mr. Mustache Jeff Fisher doesn’t appear interested in Manning and should trade the No. 2 pick for a franchise-defining, Herschel Walker-esque package.

Arizona Cardinals: A Larry Fitzgerald/Peyton Manning combo would strike fear in the hearts of defensive coordinators across the league. If the Cardinals can’t bring in Manning, they should draft a signal-caller in the first round.

Follow me on Twitter @ToddMcElwee.