5 Ideal Presents for Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger on His 65th Birthday
Today is Arsene Wenger's 65th birthday. It's quite remarkable that the boss has been with Arsenal since he was 46—on the cusp of 47—way back in 1996.
Though Wenger told reporters on Tuesday that he does not celebrate birthdays, his reaching the old United States retirement age certainly merits some kind of present.
Oblige us, Arsene, as we suggest five presents we think you'd greatly enjoy.
A Center-Back
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Low-hanging fruit here, for sure, but there is certainly no better footballing gift for Wenger right now than another central defender.
Arsenal were already low on center-backs last season, then sold one over the summer and never bought a replacement. That left the team with just two senior central defenders at the end of the transfer window.
Wenger has made some seemingly insane decisions in the past but has built his legend on his convictions usually being vindicated. Not this time.
Laurent Koscielny is out with double Achilles tendentious (which Arsenal must have already known about), and are now the team is forced to play either Nacho Monreal or Calum Chambers in the center of defense.
Seventy days until January.
A Doctor
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It's interesting that a man who has just turned 65 seems to be in better health than so many of his players.
Yes, I'm aware of the whole "they're professional footballers and he just waves his arms" thing, but it is a tad amusing that Wenger has stayed as healthy as a man his age could hope while his entire team crumbles around him.
If they had not before, Arsenal's injury troubles have certainly now descended into the realm of hilarity with the news that goalkeeper David Ospina will be out for up to three months with a recurrence of a thigh injury.
Is it finally time to venture to untraversed Amazonian forests to learn the pseudoscientific healing powers of the native peoples, to which any rational person would resort? Perhaps this doctor can tell us.
A Voodoo Doll of Jose Mourinho
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Everyone knows that Wenger and Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho hate each other with a visceral passion.
The Portuguese called Wenger a "specialist in failure" back in February, and though Wenger retaliated by winning the FA Cup, he has never beaten Mourinho.
Perhaps one of those little voodoo dolls will turn the tide in Wenger's favor. Even if magic turns out to be ineffective, at least he will be able to vent his rage instead of pushing Mourinho on the touchline.
A Love Letter from Cesc Fabregas
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Frankly, it made sense for Arsenal to eschew Cesc Fabregas last summer. They already had Mesut Ozil, Aaron Ramsey, Santi Cazorla et al., so why take on yet another world-class talent?
Well, it turns out that Fabregas has been a huge hit with his new club—and not just any club, but Chelsea—while we won't see Ozil for another three months or so.
Sexy Cescy was almost the prodigal son, returning home to reconnect with his Arsenal DNA after a protracted trip to Spain. The opportunity for a beautiful reunion with his mentor has passed, but the least Fabregas can do is write Wenger a heartfelt letter of gratitude.
A Victory with No Injuries
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Sometimes the simplest gift is best.
Arsenal have not won much this season, and even when they do, they cannot seem to avoid the pernicious injury bug.
The Gunners play Anderlecht Wednesday evening (afternoon if you live in the eastern U.S. like me), and a win would be the perfect tonic for their recent impotence. Arsenal need one for simple mathematical reasons as well since Anderlecht are the worst team in their group and anything less than a victory would jeopardize their chances of progression.
This is really all that the man who dispassionately observes birthdays wants, anyway: the satisfaction of vanquishing an opponent and the luxury of not being bombarded by the pernicious press.
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