UEFA Champions League: Fernando Torres Likely To Start for Chelsea vs. Man U

Rejoice! Fernando Torres, more wasteful than a chocolate bar with six wrappers, is likely to start against Manchester United tonight in the UEFA Champions League.

The £50 million punchline, currently at the peak of his career at 27 years of age, has failed to score for Chelsea since his January move, as indicated by hasfernandotorresscoredforchelsea.com.

More amusingly, he has so far been denied by great saves, the post, clearances off the line and the referee’s whistle.

However, it appears that he is again preferred over both the more dangerous Didier Drogba and the pace of Nicolas Anelka, both of whom can strike at any moment.

Ancelotti may opt for all three—in which case we can start laughing at Chelsea already, because that’s just stupid.

I don't think Ancelotti is sophisticated enough to be pulling a fast one, so the likelihood is that we will get another chance to laugh at the hapless Spaniard—with rumours already circulating that Abramovich has had enough.

I suggest lining up a £50 million bid for Monday Bandele as his replacement.

Torres will probably scarper back to Spain, reputation in tatters, where it appears Villarreal are going to have both the means and the need to sign him—with ex-United forward Giuseppe Rossi looking more and more likely to make a huge-money move to either Barcelona or Real Madrid in the summer.

Whether or not they qualify for the Champions League, which they should, is key.

Just a bit of my own speculation here, but if Torres really does come up for sale in the summer, Barcelona and Real Madrid certainly don’t need him.

Besides, he’d sooner slash his own eyelids than join Real Madrid.

Anyway, I’m sick of waiting and nervous as sin—the sooner 5 p.m. rolls around and I can go to the shop, buy some beer and settle down to watch the match, the happier I will be.