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Arsene Wenger Says WikiLeaks Is Responsible For Arsenal's Draw Against Barcelona

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Arsene Wenger Says WikiLeaks Is Responsible For Arsenal's Draw Against Barcelona
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Le Professeur speaks: Arsene Wenger

                                                (SATIRE)

As soon as the list of fixtures for the first knock-out phase of the UEFA Champions League’s on-going edition was read out by UEFA officials at Nyon in Switzerland, it bestirred a varied wave of reactions in England. Two of the four contending Premier League sides were put into favourable draws where as the two from the North London – arch rivals Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal – were not dealt with cordiality.

While Spurs are still reckoned to marginalise the Italian giants AC Milan in what is expected to be a close affair, it is Le Professeur’s Arsenal who have been put straight to the sword. In what is a repeat fixture of last year’s quarter final stage, the Gunners will once again face the mighty Barcelona – virtually abandoning all the hopes to progress any further in the competition.

Showcasing his unparalleled wisdom and matchless analytical abilities, Arsene Wenger held WikiLeaks and its founder Julian Assange responsible for the draw that ended their hopes to survive in the competition.

Says a source, closely allied to Wenger, “Le Professeur, has in the recent past accounted most of his team’s losses to the poor standard of refereeing. In the latest defeat at the hands of Manchester United he epitomised his imperial innovativeness and explained how it was the condition of pitch that denied Arsenal a chance to win.”

“According to our boss, such pitches are detrimental to the health of free-flowing football which he highly emphasises upon despite the fact we have not delivered a single title in ages,” added the source.

The man who asked for sexual favors: Julian Assange

In a press note released from the Emirates stadium, Wenger provided a detailed explanation about how the surface at Old Trafford was improper for Arsenal to register a win. In the report, the Frenchman also explains how the same surface turned into an appropriate one when the possession was held by Manchester United.

When asked by few of the journalists about sharing his wisdom over how the same pitch could fare differently for two teams, Wenger dismissed the very place of the question deeming the journalists lesser mortals who were not qualified enough to receive his arguments in the right spirit.

Throwing light at WikiLeaks and its founder Julian Assange’s involvement and influence over the process of UEFA draws, Wenger reassured the media that it was not an attempt to pass the buck to the controversial website simply because he fell short of terminologies pertaining to football.

Wenger confidently asserted the fact that he could have easily picked factors like “Howard Webb, Paul Scholes, Sergio Ramos, 77th Linesman etc.” for the draws unfolding they way they did but he precisely focused on Assange’s questionable involvement simply because it carried a heavy substance of truth.

“Mr. Julian Assange, ever since the inception of WikiLeaks has remained disrespectful towards our club. It was his website that first compared Theo Walcott to Forrest Gump and then on our teen sensation has suffered a significant amount of loss in self confidence.”

Richard Heathcote/Getty Images
Gender of attraction: Bacary Sagna

When confronted by one of the journalists arguing Walcott was no longer a teenager, Arsene Wenger went furious and disallowed the guilty pressman a chance to take any further part in the round of questions.

Bursting out his emotions on the role WikiLeaks and Assange played in tempering with his team’s fortunes, Wenger exasperated on the Australian saying, “To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Assange had developed an amorous inclination for one of our team members Bacary Sagna wrongly assuming about the Right Back’s gender related details.”

“Mr. Assange had personally requested me to persuade Sagna go out on a date with him but upon my denial to his offer, he had cautioned me to repay hard, which I did not pay enough attention to.” Le Professeur added.

Few more details unravelled in the context by the Arsenal’s most decorated manager stressed much on how Julian Assange devised his revolt by engaging into an emphatical deal with UEFA demanding to place Arsenal in the toughest pot and thereby avenging Wenger’s refusal to assist set a date with Sagna.

“I am pretty certain there would have been a perpetual insistence imposed on UEFA by Assange to help him accomplish his reprisal against us. Spending over two decades working in different leagues in Europe, I possess a fair idea of the way UEFA functions and I am sure WikiLeaks would have spotted a heavy lead against them with a potential to unearth their everlasting embezzlements and corruptions at all the levels.

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“In order to protect the gracious esteem of UEFA, my friend and compatriot Michel Platini would have been left with no choice but to abide by whatever Mr. Assange demanded which I understand and have no hard feelings either at Platini or at UEFA.”

Wenger appeared to be quite confident about the prospect to face Barcelona in a second successive season during the knock-out phase.

“We are not afraid to face them at all. We, in fact are going in as favourites to win the tie this time. In Theo Walcott we have world’s best 100 M sprinter who can occasionally run with the ball too and when the occasion comes, God help the likes of Messi and Iniesta!”

Wenger mainly chose not to speak his heart when asked whether there is any disharmony in the dressing room because of Cesc’s constant wanting to play for Barcelona.

“Cesc is a mature guy and knows there are no players of Niklas Bendtner’s caliber at Camp Nou to play alongside. He has undergone a tremendous learning curve at Emirates and is expected to shape into a better player under the mentoring of the likes of Alex Song and Jack Wilshere.”

On the mention of Wilshere, when asked whether Cesc too would store a hooker’s contact number in his phone under the name of a senior Manchester United player, Wenger lost the hold over his nerve, abused the reporter calling him ‘You, Rafael Benitez!’ and left the podium.  

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