Arsenal Biology: Who Are the Eyes and Ears and Heart and Soul of the Club?

Mitch DrofstobCorrespondent ISeptember 23, 2010

Arsenal Biology: Who Are the Eyes and Ears and Heart and Soul of the Club?

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    For your pleasure I have dissected the human body, and applied their functions to the roles of the Arsenal players. Find out what body part your favourite Arsenal player would be.

    There a few players who didn't get to be part of the slide. If you can think of a body part for them, let me know and I'll add them on.

Brain – Arsene Wenger and Jack Wilshere

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    Wenger is an easy choice; he’s not called the Professor for nothing, and his dominant left brain hemisphere helps for some astute business on behalf of Arsenal. Wenger and his Masters degree in Economics have masterminded some of the greatest transfers the Premier League has ever seen, and upgraded Arsenal into the plush Emirates Stadium – all without the help of a billionaire.

    In contast, Jack Wilshere, who at 18 has almost unlimited potential and must have a wonderful right hemisphere of his brain. He is creative, a little impetuous, but it’s hard to criticize a player so young who has already worked himself into the Arsenal starting 11. He may never be the genius that Wenger is off the field, but this season he is already exceeding many expectations.

Eyes – Cesc Fabregas

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    On the pitch, Fabregas doesn’t stop threading inch perfect through balls for his team mates. Having the skill to play that kind of ball is one thing, being able to see the action better and faster than anyone else in the stadium is another. Arsenal fans wonder sometimes if there is there anything that Fabregas doesn’t see. Maybe his Spanish team mates yanking a Barcelona jersey over his head.

Ears – Emmanuel Eboue

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    December 6 2008 is a day that Arsenal fans shouldn’t be proud of, but one that Emmanuel Eboue will probably never forget. In a game against Wigan, coming on as a substitute, his level of performance hit rock-bottom. He played as if he was the opposition in disguise, and Wenger remedied this by substituting him off. As he trudged off the pitch, the sound he heard must have hurt his ears. Consoled by Emmanuel Adebayor, the Arsenal supporters booed him – their own player. It was embarrassing for everyone connected with the club.

    Since then, after some improved performances, Eboue has made himself a fan favourite. He even experienced the sweetest redemption when he scored against Wigan last season, to the cheers of Arsenal fans.

Mouth – Thomas Vermaelen

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    Finally Arsenal has someone to be vocal in defence. Vermaelen may not be the biggest or most imposing player, he may not even be the loudest. But the way he reads the game and instructs his team mates shows he has captain’s material. His presence at the back will be even more valued this season, in helping Koscielny and Squillaci accommodate to the Premiership.

Skeleton – Nicklas Bendtner

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    Bendtner should scare the life out of defenders. At 6’5’’, with pace, strength and a great reading of the game, he should be Arsenal’s main goal threat. The only problem is his finishing, but his frame means he has the potential to score a lot of goals in the red and white of Arsenal.

Kidney – Sébastien Squillaci

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    The kidneys are an essential part of the urinary system, and they also regulate electrolytes and blood pressure. Arsenal fans will be hoping the experienced Squillaci can do a similar job for Arsenal this season, overseeing the team and helping where he is needed.

Liver – Laurent Koscielny

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    The liver is a very versatile and tough organ, its main job being to assist the body in digestion. A little like Laurent Koscielny, after the bumps and bruises he picked up in his first games in the Premier League did nothing to stop his progress, he is now beginning to look like an accomplished centre back, the perfect partner to Vermaelen.

Intestine – Samir Nasri and Tomas Rosicky

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    In order to avoid confusion (on my part, I never enjoyed science) despite their being two types of intestines, and their jobs being quite different, elaboration on their individual jobs will be avoided. However the job of both intestines is to transport food from the stomach to the rectum, which can be interpreted as taking the goal from a defensive position into an attacking position, and hopefully the opponents’ goal. For this job, Samir Nasri and Tomas Rosicky seem like the perfect candidates. 

Penis – Carlos Vela

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    One of Arsenal’s top young players, the Mexican is slowly working his way into first team contention this term, but may be more regularly used in a super-sub role. While he may not be a penis, he certainly has one. Banned for six months of international football after partying with transsexuals, his face splashed all over the media, this is behaviour not usually associated with Arsenal. Chelsea on the other hand… 

Hands: Wojciech Szczęsny

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    It may be a little harsh not to give Manuel Almunia this accolade, but Arsenal supporters are not convinced. In contrast, Szczęsny looks to be a fine young goalkeeper who Wenger himself believes will one day be the Arsenal number one. Playing in the Carling Cup he was impressive, and on loan at Brentford he was even better. He has also been capped by his national side, which is quite a feat when considering how young he is and how many good goalkeepers Poland have. Why Wenger persists with Lucasz Fabianski we will never know.

Legs – Theo Walcott and Gael Clichy

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    Who is the fastest player at Arsenal, one of the fastest clubs in the world? It’s got to be Theo Walcott, Barcelona hate playing against him, and even Gael Clichy admits it. But who at Arsenal combines speed with consistency in a position where speed is absolutely essential? The man you are looking for is Gael Clichy. There is not a winger in the world that can realistically use a game plan of pace to beat him – unless Usain Bolt decides to takes up football.

Feet – Robin Van Persie

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    Only the best players in the world possess nimbleness, precision and power with their feet. Robin Van Persie, when he is fit, is one of them. The possessor of a deft touch, he is as likely to make a telling assist as he is to fire in a free kick from 30 metres away. His propensity to injury, compared to Didier Drogba and Wayne Rooney, is what can held Arsenal back last season. If Arsenal can get his powerful twinkle toes back onto the Emirates pitch soon, their chances of winning the title will vastly increase.

Mind – Andrei Arshavin

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    The Russian with a diploma in Fashion shocked many when, against Portsmouth in May 2009, he tried to turn down a penalty that had been awarded for his team. He shocked many more with his somewhat sexist view points on women drivers. He is quoted as saying “If I had it in my power to introduce a ban on women driving cars and to withdraw all their licences, I would do it without thinking twice. In my opinion a woman and a man are two absolutely different creatures.” When asked at a later date if he would like to withdraw said comments, he answered “I would never give driving lessons to women. We need to build new roads for them. Why? Because you never know what to expect from a woman on the road. If you see a car behaving weirdly, swerving and doing strange things, before you see the driver you know it is a woman. It is always a woman.”

    These comments might lead you into thinking he did not appreciate women, but this is not the case, as he explains that he likes “tall, slim girls with narrow thighs and tiny bums. If a girl is like this I do not pay attention to her breasts. Hair colour doesn’t matter either. What is really important is her style and manners.” In times when footballers are either puppets to the clubs, telling journalists what they want to hear and then doing their own thing elsewhere, it is refreshing to have a footballer like Arshavin who is so human and honest. Just don’t expect your female friends to share that same opinion.