Boston Red Sox Free Agency Rumors: If It's Not About Pitching, I Don't Care

I'm not kidding. If it doesn't directly relate to pitching, to fixing the rotation or filling the holes left by Papelbon, I just don't want to hear about it.

I mean, maybe, if it's a legitimate Hall of Fame caliber position player, still in his prime, who fills an immediate need, then I would probably still be quite excited in the middle of an otherwise boring workday to hear some unsubstantiated rumor or outright wild speculation on my lunch hour about a possible big time offensive signing. 

But if it's just whispers about some shortstop or catcher or rightfielder candidate who was really terrific four or five years ago and has been trending rapidly towards mediocrity ever since, really, what's the point?

As far as rumors and speculation go, I want to hear about guys who can be reasonably depended upon to turn in 55-60 games of solid middle relief, so Alceves and Bard won't have to once again wear their arms out completely during the hot months. 

I want to hear about average to above average four and five starters who will be able to take the mound at least 25 times a season and take advantage of the Boston offense to win at least 12 or 13 games.

Listen, I remember last offseason, when we all went slap-happy with glee over the big offensive signings. Once we had Gonzalez and Crawford under contract, we declared ourselves 2011 champions.

As Red Sox fans and New Englanders, we should have known such pride comes before a great fall. Looking back now from almost a year later, I am actually not surprised that it was the precursor to the most frustrating and horrific season in my 30+ years of being a fan. 

The last thing I want to see the Red Sox do now is go all New York Yankees and start trying to sign anybody they think their more casual fans are likely to have heard of at some point. I am not interested in "name players" who will "make a splash" and get the WEEI callers fired up.

Ideally, this should be the sort of offseason where most of the more casual fans are left saying "Wait, who?" again and again before talking to the stat geek who works in their sales department who will be able to explain how this low profile guy has a terrific base performance value or reliever efficiency percentage or some other sort of predictive micro-stat that was invented after middle-aged fans had already grown up.

The new Red Sox brain trust needs to forget about dazzling us this offseason. Sure the blockbuster signings last year were fun to talk about, but they were not a single bit consoling when I sat on my couch in stunned disbelief at the conclusion of the last game of the year.

This offseason I'm happy to get my excitement from following the Patriots and my local Ivy League wrestling team. The Red Sox can go about being mundane and ho-hum, just so long as they are focused on finding and fixing all the disastrous little holes that have sprung up on the hull of the luxury yacht that this franchise has become.