10 Biggest Boneheads in Miami Heat Franchise History

And now, may I present my selections for the top 10 biggest boneheads in the 23-year history of the Miami Heat.

(pause for applause)

Allow me to define a bonehead. A bonehead is not necessarily a bad person, nor is he or she necessarily dumb; plenty of good, intelligent people have had their bonehead moments... yours truly included.

A bonehead's defining quality, for the purposes of this slideshow, is thoughtlessness.

Off the court, a bonehead moment arises out of a careful balance of bad timing, lapses in judgment and poor response skills. On the court, a bonehead makes bad decisions and takes bad shots, refuses to learn from them, and repeats them in hopes that things even out on sheer volume.

The guys on this list are various combinations of the two.

Now, I've built a device that measures a player's relative degree of bone-to-head ratio and expresses it as a number from one to 10. I call it the Osteo-craniometer.

Now then...

10. Ricky Davis

I used to really enjoy watching Ricky Davis play. He was a really athletic guy with a nice flair who could finish fast breaks and penetrations in entertaining fashion. That doesn't mean he played all that smart... ever, really.

Davis has always played a streaky game and had a questionable influence on the team around him. He had a not-too-terrible second stint in 2007-08 (statistically speaking), but for all his talent he never really stood out.

Also, 15-67. Enough said.

But hey, at least there were no fake triple-doubles on his Miami game log, am I right?

Still, I felt compelled to include Davis on this list, if only for doing absolutely nothing during his time in Miami to dispel his reputation as a bonehead on the court.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 6.8

9. Sherman Douglas

Sherman Douglas joined the Heat in their second season, and he fit in pretty much immediately. Among other things, he had a trusty floater and was good in transition; plus, he was familiar with Rony Seikaly from their college days together.

He was an All-Rookie first teamer, and a year later he maxed out at over 18 points and eight assists per game. So why does he make this dubious list?

After his second season, Douglas was signed to an offer sheet by the Lakers, which the Heat matched to keep him with the team.

Douglas wanted out anyway, being displeased with the way negotiations went with the team. So he demanded a trade and held out over a month before suiting up for Miami—and he did so while out of shape.

Five diminished games later, he got his wish and was shipped to Boston for Brian Shaw.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 7.5

8. Anthony Mason

In this case, the fireworks (or is it gas and matches?) took place away from the court. And by that I mean only the basketball court.

Anthony Mason didn't get into any particular trouble while he was with Miami, but his rap sheet is so impressive that he would appear on this very same list for the Knicks, Hornets, and/or Bucks.

Among his gems over the years, gun possession, assault,  sex with a minor, inciting a riot (cleared,) and getting "Who me?" clipped into the side of his head, way back when he owned hair.

When he first arrived in Miami, Mason was still dealing with charges stemming from his days with Charlotte (try and guess which one!) so there was that... but I suppose that doesn't count.

Let's just go ahead and call this a lifetime achievement award for advanced boneheadery.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 7.9

7. Michael Beasley

This will probably be my least controversial pick on the entire list.

While I do feel people have been excessively hard on Beasley, my sympathy is not enough to keep him off the Miami's all-time Osteo-crantheon (too much?)

First, let's not overlook the fact that he came to the team with an established reputation as a bit of a headcase. That wasn't the best foot to start off on.

Then there was the Rookie Program incident, when he was found in a room with Mario Chalmers (honorable mention), smelling strongly of the Buddha.

(That's pot).

I'd prefer not to make too big a deal of that, so I'll just say that wasn't the last episode in that tele-series and leave it at that. A year later, he checked into rehab down in Houston for reasons unpublished but rumored to be related.

In other words, he took a few spills off the court. It doesn't help his case that he is thought to have underachieved on it, as well. Though I would add that he was judged a tad too harshly here—in my opinion.

He was pretty good in his couple of years in Miami, but pretty good isn't what the Heat had signed up for when they drafted him second overall in 2008. He was also less than ideal as a student, and he was capable of his share of awful shots.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 8.1

6. Dorell Wright

Although Dorell Wright was serviceable off the bench for Miami over the years, I wouldn't say he's left much of a mark on the franchise. In fact, he's only started to realize his potential since leaving the Heat (he's now setting records for Golden State.)

Wright's main contribution to the Heat was his departure in 2010, which helped create the salary cap vacuum that made The Three Banditos possible.

He's also the first NBA player ever to donate his jersey number to a woman.

So how did he make it on this list? Anytime you get suspended from the team for catching a DUI charge, you get to be called a bonehead.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 8.5

5. Antoine Walker

Ugh...where do I begin?

Antoine Walker found plenty of ways to be successful in the NBA—All-Star selections don't just earn themselves. I'll tell you right now, they all involved shooting the ball in some way, shape or form.

"Employee No. 8" was never, ever, eva eva eva eva eva eva eva scared of shooting the rock. At any time, from absolutely anywhere.

Even before the doors to American Airlines Arena were unlocked, arena staff would report the occasional basketball from the parking lot clanking off the outer windows... When asked what he was doing, rumor has it Walker responded that he was practicing his four-second offense. (citation needed).

Really, though, when a guy is equally notorious for his hideous, ungodly shot selection as he is for anything positive, you know he didn't play intelligently. It didn't even look like he did it out of overconfidence... it just looked like some kind of involuntary spasm in his shooting arm.

One championship ring and a few All-Star bids will surely mask this fact on his resume... but I'll bet you his resume wasn't the first thing you thought when you read "Antoine Walker."

Osteo-craniometer reading: 8.7

4. Udonis Haslem

Unlike Beasley, Udonis Haslem has actually been caught red-handed—pulled over, no less—with what I'll conservatively refer to as "not just a spliff."

(That's a joint. So... more than that).

Frankly, I can't say much else about UD that qualifies him for this list. He plays hard—and relatively smart—and he's the guts of this team. So, I guess this is a brief slide.

Still, there's no way a guy can get pulled over while reenacting a Snoop Dogg verse and not make this list. If you must smoke up, fine, but how about not doing it on a public parkway where people like the police can intrude.

And even then if you must, for god's sake, don't take the car with the illegal tinted windows. You might as well be driving a doughnut truck.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 8.9

3. Rafer Alston

Of course, Rafer Alston.

Not because he could be a bonehead on the court—he's generally kept that tendency under control.

Not because he pouted about being benched in early 2010—that's almost a normal thing in the NBA. If all he had done was mope over playing time, he wouldn't be on here.

It's not even because he subsequently left the team days later; that was later revealed to be a family emergency (as in life and death), and even though it's not a verified fact, you can't exactly call someone a liar in that situation.

No, dear friends, Alston is on this list for one very simple and straightforward reason: in this age of communication, when even a hobo can lend you his cell phone, it takes a bonehead to fail completely at alerting the people who sign one's giant paycheck of one's whereabouts.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 9.2

2. Smush Parker

Here's another guy without acute cranial boniness both on and off the parquet.

Smush Parker was never the most effective player on anyone's roster, and he was a little too much flash for his own good—or that of the team unfortunate enough to have him running its offense. His general lack of higher savvy was pretty damning for a point guard.

Off the court, of course, there was also the matter of $12.

One day, Parker got amnesia. He completely forgot he was rich and (relatively) famous, thus newly ignorant of both the public eye and the robustness of his wallet. I am not citing any source here, other than my own theory as to the conditions that led to what occurred.

When handed a bill of $12 for valet services rendered, Parker objected, by which I naturally mean he grabbed the valet and twisted her arm (duh).

Yes, her arm. I know, that doesn't help.

Do I think he's a sexist this and spoiled that? Not really, but he's also not somebody I'd particularly want to meet. I also think he can't be that bright if he ignores the voice in his head telling him not to act a fool in case, you know, it makes the news.

Unless he doesn't possess that voice... in which case I've just mocked a disabled person.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 9.3

1. Who Else?

Remember what I said earlier: being a bonehead is not measured by whether you're a good or a bad guy, but rather by being thoughtless... LeBron guards his thoughtlessness with a passion.

I'm sorry to have to say it—wait, what am I saying, no I'm not— but LeBron has had such a laundry list of dumb moments last season that he's king of this mountain until someone even more reality-deprived comes along... and that may take a very, very long time.

It's not that LeBron is dumb (though I don't hold his intellect in the high regard I once did), it's just that he's not that in touch, which makes him say some very pig-headed things.

For the most part the other guys on this list had isolated indiscretions, albeit major ones, compared to LeBron's mountain of less serious gaffes. In my book, being a bonehead over and over and over counts for a lot.

He also has this defensive defiant streak towards his critics, which he can only maintain by completely ignoring the logic behind their criticism. I'll give you a hint: it's not just haters hating...

He has at best a vague concept of what should and shouldn't be said, routinely contradicts himself, and has little to no regard for the world outside his head.

Most players have one or two historically bad quotes in their career... LeBron has had a dozen at least in one year. He's completely out of control behind a microphone, and it ends up being detrimental to him and his team in the long run.

On the court, LeBron's habit of no-showing under extreme pressure is somewhat of a knock on him, but I wouldn't call that boneheaded. And frankly it's no match for the off-court version of LeBron, which is a phenomenal fiasco owing largely to a thoughtless lack of judgment.

He's had countless chances to clean up the messes his mouth makes, and failed to do so every time. Out of everybody on the list, LeBron makes me wonder the most whether he's a lost cause (sorry, LBJ fans), so it seems only natural he'd top the list.

Osteo-craniometer reading: 9.5 (cumulative score)