MLB San Francisco Giants: A Trip to Taco Bell Will Bring Home the Runs

At this point, the 2011 San Francisco Giants season is an even bigger joke than my headline.

Self congratulations aside, Tuesday night’s latest debacle (a 5-2 loss at the hands of the Chicago Cubs) was one thing if nothing else:

Predictable.

Carlos Beltran choked like a toddler eating a T-bone. Chicago Cubs pitcher Matt Garza, technically the best pitcher the San Francisco Giants have faced in this home stand, dominated. Another Giants starting pitcher seemed to have thrown in the towel prior to the first pitch.

The only player who showed up to play baseball was Jeff Keppinger. Twenty-four other guys were on hand to play diceless Yahtzee in the dugout.

Hitting Instructor Hensley Meulens looked on, probably advising the hitters of the best way to throw invisible dice upon their return to the dugout. He commanded them to swing often and early, regardless of pitch location, so as not to miss a tidbit of time with their overpaid friends on the bench.

So, noble reader, let’s shift our attention to 2012 and the audition process that will occur during, and especially following, our impending three-game sweep at the hands of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

There is a fair amount of promise in this organization. Unlike most fans I have encountered on various message boards, however, I tend to agree with Bruce Bochy’s decision to play veterans in the heat of a pennant race. There’s only one problem: this is no longer a pennant race.

That means the time has unquestionably come to sit the veterans. It means, Brian Sabean, that it might be a good idea to fire (or “DFA” as they prefer to call it) some of the more laughably bad “contributors” on this team.

I vote to start with the Baby Rat, the Baby Ferret, the Baby Bald Eagle, the Baby Dinosaur, the Baby Brine Shrimp, the Baby Paranoid Schizophrenic, and Pat “the Jock Strap.” For those playing the home game, those would be, in this order: Andres Torres, Mark DeRosa, Cody Ross, Miguel Tejada, Aaron Rowand, Barry Zito, and Pat Burrell.

Fire them. Call it whatever you want. Let’s just not have these guys around anymore. Although I would pay good money for a Baby Paranoid Schizophrenic hat.

“But they are the veteran presence off the bench!” Great. Let’s show these young guys that they, too, can walk the bases loaded and give up a grand slam. Let’s set a great example by proving that striking out on three pitches with the bases loaded results in absolutely zero repercussions.

“But they are great in the clubhouse!” Right. Their inspired leadership has led the Giants to score 12 runs in the past seven games.

“But we still owe some of them so much money!”

This argument, actually, is the weakest argument of the group. In Kevin Smith’s debut film, “Clerks,” there is a line very early on regarding smoking: “Of course we have to die. But do we really have to pay for it?”

Reverse this question, and you have the current San Francisco Giants situation. Of course we have to pay for it. But do we really have to die?

Cut them loose, and let the cancer be free to spread to other teams.

The good news is that none of these players, including “elite” free agent Carlos Beltran, should command a salary of more than $8.50/hr after this season. This brings us to Taco Bell. Almost.

Hensley Meulens should be fired, too, before he gets the chance to impart some “words of wisdom” to the upcoming prospects. Imagine if you will, if Hensley Meulens were a high school guidance counselor. You would have a group of overpaid, entitled rich kids who are content to sit on their thumbs and rotate while receiving pats on the back from their terrified bosses. Come to think of it, it sounds a lot like Harvard.

But I digress. Hensley Meulens should not be a hitting coach in professional baseball. To be quite frank, if I had a son, I wouldn’t want “Bam Bam” anywhere near his Little League team either. I’m sure he’s “great in the clubhouse.” Maybe he should look into a job in craft services, where he can stay in the clubhouse arranging the post-game spread.  

And finally, the Giants need to loosen up. Perhaps a three-game sweep (loss, that is) this weekend is just what the doctor (Kevorkian) ordered. Let’s officially euthanize any hopes of making it into the playoffs and just focus on playing adequate baseball to energize the fan base in hopes for the coming 2012 season.

Everybody on the Giants is pressing at the moment. The Houston Astros aren’t pressing. The Chicago Cubs aren’t pressing. The San Diego Padres aren’t pressing. And do you know why? Because they are out of contention.

And so are the Giants. It’s time to start playing loose, free baseball.

Because right now, every single hitter on this team has his anus so tenaciously clenched that not even a late night binge of Taco Bell Gorditas and Crunch Wrap Supremes would give us the runs we need.