How Many Members of Each MLB Team Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

The Boston Red Sox are a fantastic ball club. They're all business between the white lines, and they have the talent to cruise deep into October.

But David Ortiz doesn't need the Sox to be dominant to have fun playing the game. He never has. Ortiz's reputation as a joker and clubhouse leader is as established as his rep for slugging home runs.

Keeping a team loose is critically important, whether you're trying to enjoy playing out the string or avoiding playing uptight baseball down the stretch in a playoff hunt. This game should be fun.

Sometimes, though, you can't have fun without making fun. Baseball players and teams across MLB do and say ridiculous things every day, and a little self-deprecation can go a long way.

So, smile baseball fans because your team is overdue for a bit of lampooning.

How Many Arizona Diamondbacks Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Kirk Gibson has already changed the bulb; it's up to every one of us to see the light.

Look, I don't mean to deride what has been a great bit of managing for an old-school guy in Gibson. But the love has gone a little too far.

Arizona fans act as though Gibson rebuilt the bullpen, reinvented Ian Kennedy and revived Justin Upton. He's done very well to get the most out of guys like Willie Bloomquist and Ryan Roberts, but Gibson isn't the reason this team is winning. The team is.

How Many Atlanta Braves Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Five, but they have 10 guys on staff to handle it.

The Braves are deep. I mean, the Mariana Trench thinks the Braves are deep. Christopher Nolan movies think the Braves are deep. Indie music thinks...

You get the point. But Atlanta has Tim Hudson, Derek Lowe, Jair Jurrjens, Brandon Beachy, Mike Minor, Tommy Hanson, Julio Teheran and Randall Delgado on hand as starters and Arodys Vizcaino (who could easily start if needed) in the bullpen, possibly for good.

Of course, the Braves made tradeoffs in order to get here. They have Alex Gonzalez (.259 season OBP) and Dan Uggla (maybe the worst defensive second baseman in the game) starting up the middle every day.

But with that nonet of pitchers, plus relief studs Craig Kimbrel, Jonny Venters and Eric O'Flaherty, the Braves don't need slugging superstars up and down the lineup.

How Many Baltimore Orioles Does It Take to Change ...

HEY REMEMBER CAL RIPKEN?

How Many Boston Red Sox Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Irrelevant: The Red Sox buy other people's best light bulbs before theirs even burn out.

Seriously. The Red Sox are now the Evil Empire. The Yankees are so passe. Boston beat New York to the punch for Carl Crawford this winter and figured they'd also reel in Adrian Gonzalez from San Diego for good measure.

Never mind that their Opening Day payroll ballooned to north of $160 million in each of the last two years. The Sox now have Crawford and Jacoby Ellsbury sewn into their outfield for a while and will not miss J.D. Drew when he leaves this offseason.

How Many Chicago Cubs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Four: One to change it, one to throw at people for barely any reason, one to fall asleep on the job and one to hug Albert Pujols.

What a couple of preposterous seasons it has been in Cubdom. Carlos Zambrano has fallen apart from the inside out. Jim Hendry has bitten the bullet for two losing seasons but not before touching off some seriously overwrought media hype with a huge for Albert Pujols back in April.

And Starlin Castro, the team's budding star, has been reprimanded no fewer than three times for lacking focus during games. 

OK, actually, that's a pretty normal two-year tally for goofiness in Wrigleyville.

How Many Chicago White Sox Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

They'll all give it their best effort, but they can only afford to try it once.

The White Sox took a calculated risk this winter, and it has blown up in every imaginable way.

By keeping Paul Konerko and A.J. Pierzynski and by signing free agent Adam Dunn, the team put itself "All In" (their words) in the hope of drawing huge crowds and reaching the postseason in 2011. It has not worked.

The Sox are on the very fringe of contention, barely a factor at all but technically still in the mix. If they can mount a sturdy charge, they could at least force the Tigers and Indians to play well down the stretch.

Here's the problem: They've already lost. As it turns out, watching a crummy defensive team try to out-slug its opponents while still laying down sac bunts is not much fun to watch.

The team has had a nightmarish bullpen, Dunn and Alex Rios have earned absolute hatred from the fans by failing in spectacular fashion, and the Sox have seen attendance drop by nearly 2,000 fans per game.

Now, bereft of any talent on the farm or the capacity to spend their way out of the hole, Chicago needs to get very creative, or the light bulb will not come on for the next five years, minimum.

How Many Cincinnati Reds Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Two: One to change it and one to bunt him over for no particular reason.

Under Dusty Baker, the Reds seem to do things the same way every season:

1. They cobble together an offense centered around speed and power, with very little in the way of on-base skills for people not named Joey Votto.

2. They slug tons of home runs.

3. They bunt like a team that has nothing BUT on-base threats and slugs practically no home runs.

Baker has never been much good at finding a balance between solid managerial tactics and managing to his personnel, but this takes it to a whole new level.

It's goofy, and it costs the Reds runs. But at least Dusty can laugh about it.

How Many Cleveland Indians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

None of them can do it, but together, all things are possible.

I've always hated the notion that certain teams' "whole is greater than the sum of its parts." That's never true. If a team seems to be a better whole than the sum of its parts, you're doing bad math or poorly evaluating some of the parts.

Just so, the Indians are not some special example of men banding together and finding a gold mine of chemistry-aided narrow victories. Stop saying that. Justin Masterson is better than people gave him credit for being; so is Michael Brantley.

Travis Hafner only needed to stay healthy, and for a little while there, he did. The Indians are just another team who flew beneath baseball people's radar, who were always better than they looked and always had the chance to compete.

How Many Colorado Rockies Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Three: Troy Tulowitzki, Carlos Gonzalez and someone to kidnap or drug Jim Tracy.

Few things in baseball are true for 10 years at a stretch. Players age, teams change hands and beer prices go up all the time.

But for a full decade, Jim Tracy has been the worst manager in MLB. The. Worst.

Tracy cannot handle a bullpen. He shuffles his lineup nonsensically. He keys in on all the wrong numbers, and then spits even on those. Tracy has probably cost the Rockies five games this year alone, and that constitutes over half the Rockies' deficit in the NL West.

How Many Detroit Tigers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb will be changed only once every five days.

Justin Verlander is remarkable. He's amazing. He's the new Nolan Ryan. He's also able to pitch just once every five games.

And therein lies the rub. The Tigers need Justin Verlander the way school needs teachers. The way Kathy Lee needed Regis. The way Kanye needs Jesus.

They're not much good without him, as evidenced by the fact that their 20-8 mark in his starts is entirely responsible for the disparity between their record and .500.

How Many Florida Marlins Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Like everything else in Miami, three stars are required, but success is not guaranteed.

The Marlins came by their trio of superb and exciting players—Hanley Ramirez, Logan Morrison and Mike Stanton—a bit more organically than their basketball counterparts. But they are not less dependent upon the core talents. In fact, they might be more so.

Florida's reputation as an impatient, impulsive and stingy franchise makes drawing free agents nigh impossible, and their farm system (as this group can attest) seems to either hit a homer run or strike out on every prospect.

Assuming these three can stay together, Florida will be fun to watch as they move into a new ballpark next year. Their degree of success will set the tone for the team on the field.

How Many Houston Astros Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

None, please: The team would prefer to keep themselves and their fans in the dark.

And we'd all like that, too.

The Astros are so bad (how bad are they?) that they really miss Jeff Keppinger's production. They're so bad (how bad are they?) that they were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this week. They're so bad (how bad are they?) that they're changing the name of their ballpark back to Enron Field to improve public perception.

OK, one of those is not quite true. But you see the point.

How Many Kansas City Royals Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

No one's changing it yet; the plan is to do so in 2013.

The never-ending project that is Rebuilding the Royals might have taken a modest step back when Dayton Moore elected to re-sign Jeff Francoeur for 2012 and 2013 at over $6 million per annum.

But the blueprint is still in place. The Royals' infield is set for the next few years, and the outfield can only get better as Lorenzo Cain and Wil Myers battle their way into the mix by the middle of next season.

Pitching is another story. Danny Duffy still probably will develop into a good mid-rotation starter, but a few of their young arms need to hit and reach the big leagues (as starters; sorry Aaron Crow) very soon, or the model collapses.

How Many Los Angeles Dodgers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Actually, it's OK: They just sent a good bulb to Seattle and got four with broken filaments, but they're optimistic about fixing them.

I won't bore you with the hundredth reenactment of Ned Colletti's July 31 discussion with Jack Zduriencik and Theo Epstein, which ended with the Red Sox sending four useless semi-prospects to LA so that the Dodgers could trade Trayvon Robinson—a very fine prospect, thanks—to the Mariners and facilitate a deal in which the Dodgers had no stake.

I'll just say it. Dumb move.

How Many Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Only one, Jeff Mathis: It's one of his intangibles.

Mike Scioscia loves Jeff Mathis. Sing the songs, tell the tales, sound the trumpets. This is true love, man.

Love forsaking all others. Scioscia pleaded for the deal that sent Mike Napoli packing.

Love is blind. Scioscia doesn't care that Mathis has a career OPS of .560 and has been under .500 the past two seasons.

Love is patient. Scioscia will wait forever to see positive return on Mathis's apparent promise of some magic intangible contribution.

Love stinks. Mathis is awful. He's terrible. Intangibles are smoke and mirrors, and I would not let Mathis do anything for my team but literally change light bulbs. In the visitor's clubhouse.

How Many Milwaukee Brewers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Seven: Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Corey Hart, Yovani Gallardo, Zack Greinke, Shaun Marcum and John Axford. But they'll get no help.

If you play fantasy baseball, you've probably been down the path the Brewers have so successfully walked this year. In an auction draft setting, you employ a strategy called "Stars & Scrubs," whereby you spend big for a few true anchor pieces and fill out your roster with the dregs of the league.

Of course, it tends to work a bit better when the league employs some 400 players, rather than 750-plus. The Brewers have some really awful, horrible players around that core, no matter how good Nyjer Morgan has been in a small sample.

Yuniesky Betancourt and Felipe Lopez will probably play in the NLCS this season. Remarkable.

How Many Minnesota Twins Does It Take to Change a ...

LOOK OUT! NOT AGAIN! Ugh.

I wanted to use a "Two Twins walk into a bar" joke here. They both hit their heads and were never quite the same.

Alas, restricted by my own form, I will content myself to have pointed out that the Twins—who collide with each other and opponents more often on the diamond than can possibly be necessary—have been ravaged by seemingly avoidable injuries all season. 

How Many New York Mets Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Three: Jose Reyes will change it, but we need someone to massage Jose Reyes' hamstrings and Bernie Madoff, to buy the bulb.

The Mets' finances have become a nightmare, so keeping Jose Reyes seems to be out of the question. But maybe that's OK because Reyes looks like a 120 games per year kind of guy, and those guys tend to run into problems sooner rather than later.

How Many New York Yankees Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

The Yankees don't need to change their bulbs. They prefer to let them burn themselves out at salaries of $15-17 million per year.

The Yankee drama of the winter was their public spitting contest with Derek Jeter and (less publicly) Mariano Rivera. The Yankees feel they made out like bandits, retaining Rivera and Jeter for two and three years, respectively.

Never mind, apparently, that both men are ancient and showing signs of decline. Both got huge money to play their way into the sunset, and it's becoming too much a habit. Alex Rodriguez's contract will run long past his real utility.

C.C. Sabathia will wring at least $92 million from the team for the next four seasons, as his age catches up to his weight in the race to set off alarm bells for analysts. The Yankees are old and getting older by the very second.

How Many Oakland Athletics Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Twenty-five fat guys who draw walks and get ground balls. Right?

Stereotyped forever by a snapshot taken nearly 10 years ago, the A's have quietly turned their backs on the notion that OBP is the paramount pursuit for any team. Billy Beane is a bit lighter on his feet than that.

These A's emphasize run prevention, which is good, because they never score. It's fine to criticize Oakland. They haven't really been very good in five years.

But stop doing so because they're the Moneyball team. It's bigger than that.

How Many Philadelphia Phillies Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Ryan Howard can do it alone. Just like he alone deserves credit for all the RBI he piles up.

If you read me on any semblance of a regular basis, you have this filed away already. But don't risk filing. Tattoo it onto your forearms. Screen-print it onto the butt of your girlfriend's jogging shorts. Get a decal that covers your front windshield.

"Runs batted in are a function of opportunity."

Ryan Howard keeps getting this nebulous support from mainstream writers and Phillies fans, despite an .818 OPS in the last year before starting a five-year, $125 million deal. Yeah, they say, but he's driven in 96 runs! To them I say,

"Runs batted in are a function of opportunity."

Having Chase Utley and Shane Victorino in front of you in the lineup every day is a good way to rack up RBI, no matter what kind of hitter you are. Ryan Howard owes a big chunk of $125 million and an MVP trophy to Utley, Victorino and Jimmy Rollins.

How Many Pittsburgh Pirates Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Four: Joel Hanrahan can do the job, but with the light bulb not yet in a save situation, we'll need one guy to call him in and two to hold Clint Hurdle while he does so.

Why do no managers ever figure this out? Dozens of perfectly winnable games are lost every year because skippers like Clint Hurdle and Ron Washington refuse to use their relief aces in any but the classic save situation, team ahead by fewer than three runs, one inning to go.

Hurdle has been especially woeful about it this year. In a year when Hanrahan has walked fewer than six percent of the batters he has faced and has a 2.17 FIP, Hurdle has cost Pittsburgh perhaps four or five contests by steadfastly avoiding using Hanrahan in tie games the lesser hurlers allowed to get away.

It's one huge reason that the team has fallen out of contention. Jerry Meals is another.

How Many St. Louis Cardinals Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Dave Duncan shines so brightly that the Cardinals need no light bulbs.

Dave Duncan deserves a world of credit. He's a great pitching coach. He has a method, a track record and a Svengali-of-the-sinker sway over his charges. The Cardinals lead the majors in groundball rate this season.

But come on. Duncan is not Leo Mazzone here, keeping his pitchers healthy and getting the most out of them while leading the team to the top of the ladder in runs allowed every year. Duncan's staff has middle-of-the-pack numbers in both ERA and FIP.

Yes, Adam Wainwright got hurt. Yes, the bullpen has been a nasty mess. But Duncan is not without complicity in those problems and shouldn't be sainted until he's baseball-dead.

How Many San Diego Padres Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Any one guy can do it, as long as he's a pitcher.

It's easy to dismiss the Padres pitchers' success in recent years as a product of the ballpark and climate in which they play. It's a very simplistic approach. But it's totally valid.

PETCO Park is a cavern. It's impossible to hit there, and anyone can pitch well there. Mike Adams and Heath Bell would be fine pitchers anywhere, but guys like Kevin Correia, Ernesto Frieri and Joe Thatcher should be sufficient evidence that the park does wonders for modestly talented hurlers.

How Many San Francisco Giants Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Well, none of them can really do it, but they have six or seven guys on hand to try in turns.

Carlos Beltran, Brandon Belt, Aubrey Huff, Cody Ross, Aaron Rowand, Andres Torres, Pat Burrell and Nate Schierholtz all have played a fair bit of outfield for the Giants this year, and they all have failed in the outfield.

Only Beltran can really hit, and he hasn't shown it yet. Utility outfielders are a lot like political candidates. If you have seven, you don't have one.

The Giants, like the GOP, are running out of time to find the right outfielder and ride him back to November.

How Many Seattle Mariners Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Let's worry about that when one of them hits the ball hard enough to break a bulb.

Honestly, it's hilarious. The Mariners are laughably bad at the plate, except it's one of those jokes you feel bad laughing at because the object thereof is so pitiable. After all, it wasn't such a miserable idea to try emphasizing defense and run-stoppage.

It was fun for a little while. Franklin Gutierrez and Chone Figgins were fun to watch. They just sucked.

But the team is threatening to match its 2010 iteration in offensive futility, which was previously unmatched by any team since the advent of the DH. Good Lord they're awful.

The good news: Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley and Trayvon Robinson look like a solid trio around which to build.

How Many Tampa Bay Rays Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

One, but first, that person must spend a totally unnecessary stint of several years in the minor leagues.

Why do the Rays do this? I might be wrong, but it feels a lot like the team continually stunts the development of its best prospects (David Price, Wade Davis, Jeremy Hellickson, Desmond Jennings) by holding them back for a year or more before giving them their big-league break.

For crying out loud, let the kids play!

How Many Texas Rangers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Josh Hamilton can do it, but weirdly, does even that best at night.

Damn Josh Hamilton's light-colored eyes. He just cannot seem to put it together during day games, and he said multiple times this summer that it stems from intraocular retinal scatter.

Hamilton works best at night, and although changing a light bulb seems a difficult thing to do without light around already, Hamilton becomes something of a superhero when the sun goes down.

How Many Toronto Blue Jays Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Sigh. Why bother?

The Blue Jays will be voting emphatically in favor of realignment, if ever that issue reaches whatever chamber the owners use to vote on such things. I mean, they will have both hands in the air and sort of jump up and down in their seats.

Why is it fair, the Jays can fairly ask, that they be oppressed by the presence of the Yankees and Red Sox in their region and league? Why should they consistently field one of the six or seven best teams in baseball, only to waste away in third place?

Why bother building a winner under present circumstances, where building a winner might not be possible anyway?

How Many Washington Nationals Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

I don't know, but Scott Boras will provide all the changers needed.

Scott Boras and Nats GM Mike Rizzo are very close, and the Nationals have a long and growing track record of inking Boras guys for good money—from free agents like Jayson Werth to draft picks with names you might know, like Harper, Strasburg and Rendon.

It's a little bit out of hand now. Boras and the Nats' working relationship is almost too cozy to not feel suspicious. But it's been good for both sides thus far.