Rating the Best Highlights from 2015-16 NBA Season: March Edition
Let's usher out the NBA's 2015-16 regular season with a bang.
All of the typical guidelines apply as we recognize the best plays from the fifth month of the Association's latest campaign.
Ratings will be handed out to selected highlights using a five-part grading system: Difficulty, Clowning the Defender, Jaw-Drop Factor, a play-specific wild card and an overall rating that averages out the scores of the four previous categories. Ratings are weighted on a scale of zero to 99—perfection doesn't exist—and are, as always, wholly subjective.
There is, however, one new stipulation: Players may only appear once. This is otherwise known as the "Stephen Curry Rule," which exists solely for the sake of variety.
To the highlight factory!
10. DeAndre "Must I Do Everything?" Jordan (March 27)
Difficulty: 87
You try shot-jacking Darrell Arthur and running the length of the court faster than everyone else, only to rise up for a pass that was a bit too high and then dunk it.
Clowning the Defender: 70
Props to Gary Harris for successfully avoiding Wikipedia infamy. Shame on the Denver Nuggets for being so thoroughly outworked in transition.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 82
DeAndre Jordan has the gait of one of those humanoid robots from I, Robot.
"I Really Should Be Getting Some Defensive Player of the Year Love" Factor: 99
Last season, Jordan received a lot of defensive fanfare, most of it misrepresented or undeserving. This year is a little bit different.
According to the Total Points Added metric (TPA) developed by Bleacher Report's Adam Fromal, Jordan has saved more points on the less glamorous end than all but two players:
Overall: 85
9. Boban "Still Bigger Than You" Marjanovic (March 26)
Difficulty: 75
This was more difficult for the Oklahoma City Thunder than Boban Marjanovic. It's almost expected that a 7'3", 290-pound monster impersonating an oversize human would wage this kind of destruction.
Clowning the Defender: 90
So yeah, this probably isn't a play Steve Adams, Serge Ibaka or Andre Roberson will tell his future grandchildren about.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 85
Ginormous mutants should be able to do this, but that doesn't make it any less obscene to us mere mortals.
"What a Clean-Shaven Paul Bunyan Would Look Like Dunking" Factor: 99
Pretty self-explanatory, don't you think?
Overall: 87
8. Kristaps "Got Eyes in the Back of My Head" Porzingis (March 28)
Difficulty: 81
By no means was this a great angle for Kristaps Porzingis' dime-dropping acumen. He had to swing his arm around Alexis Ajinca and ensure his pass didn't accidentally graze the baseline.
Clowning the Defender: 80
Dante Cunningham should probably think twice about jumping passing lanes when going up against a 7'3" Latvian prince with penetrating court vision.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 90
Porzingis is what happens when you give DeAndre Jordan's explosion and rim-protecting chops to Dirk Nowitzki. And he can make plays like this, too. He must have a little bit of Chris Paul in his genes or something.
"Compel Us to Photoshop Your Head onto Kevin Love's Body in Dropping Dimes Commercial" Factor: 99
Nicely done, Kristaps.
Overall: 88
7. Isaiah "Defensive Player of the Year" Thomas (March 28)
Difficulty: 92
Paul may only stand 6'0" tall, but Isaiah Thomas is 5'9" when he sports Nerlens Noel's hairdo. This is impressive.
Clowning the Offender: 82
Truthfully, this should be higher. But Thomas loses, let's say, 10 points for love-tapping the top of Paul's noggin.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 94
Speaking as someone who stands 6'0" and couldn't chase down a toddler trying to dunk socks into a laundry basket, my jaw has yet to leave the floor.
"Heed the Words of an Ecstatic Kevin Garnett" Factor: 99
Oh my, it turns out a 32-year-old Kevin Garnett wasn't lying.
Anything really is possible.*
(*This statement has been neither confirmed nor reviewed by the Realistic Police.)
Overall: 92
6. Emmanuel "Just Like We Drew It Up" Mudiay (March 23)
Difficulty: 99
Emmanuel Mudiay has the ball poked away, recovers in traffic, essentially double-clutches in mid-air and still puts enough juice behind the rock for it to reach the basket from just inside half-court. #Respect.
Clowning the Defender: 73
Pats on the back to T.J. McConnell for almost stealing the ball and contesting Mudiay's shot without fouling him. Shoutouts and what-have-yous to Isaiah Canaan for pretending to play defense.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 99
As the stark changes in body language from Will Barton, Gary Harris and Nikola Jokic will show, no one in the Pepsi Center expected this to go in.
"Just Saved Myself a Tongue-Lashing from Mike Malone" Factor: 99
I shudder to think what Nuggets head coach Mike Malone would have said to Mudiay had a game against the NBA's worst team, the Philadelphia 76ers, ended on a turnover.
Overall: 93
5. Giannis "One Giant Step for Mankind, One Small Step for Giannis" Antetokounmpo (March 6)
Difficulty: 94
Giannis Antetokounmpo deserves a participation trophy for this sick handy work. Splitting Russell Westbrook and Serge Ibaka isn't easy.
Clowning the Defender: 96
Some free advice for Ibaka: Next time you're thinking about trying to out-wingspan a pterodactyl with opposable thumbs and Kevin Durant's legs, just don't.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 85
We've come to expect these length-of-the-court masterpieces from Antetokounmpo. He'll need to start adding somersaults or cartwheels if he expects to catch us off guard.
"My Feet Are Craftier Than Yours" Factor: 99
Please don't try imitating Antetokounmpo's footwork in the driveway or gym, kids. People have lost ankles to far safer activities.
Overall: 93
4. Russell "Take No Prisoners; That Means You, Jerami" Westbrook (March 18)
Difficulty: 94
Not even Russell Westbrook can make a one-handed dunk over a player nearly six inches taller seem easy. This looked ridiculously hard, because it was.
Clowning the Defender: 93
If Jerami Grant was any more in the face of Westbrook, he would have been wearing his skin.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 90
Similar to Antetokounmpo, Westbrook would need to sprout wings, fly around the arena and dunk with his feet for us to doubt what just happened.
"Get Kevin Durant Up Out of His Seat" Factor: 99
Durant isn't the most emotional player, but he wore his face feelz here. Don't worry, Kevin. We won't judge. Westbrook jams could coax a smile out of Kawhi Leonard.
Overall: 94
3. Karl-Anthony "Yes, a 7-Footer Can Do That" Towns (March 28)
Difficulty: 93
Seven-foot skyscrapers shouldn't be able to put the ball on the floor like this. Ask Roy Hibbert to mime Karl-Anthony Towns' drive, and you'll get a different result.
Clowning the Defender: 93
Breaking: Jon Leuer will not be winning Defensive Player of the Year. Also, R.I.P Mirza Teletovic.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 95
Towns put the ball on the floor. He blew past Leuer. He obliterated Teletovic while withstanding a blow to the head. Shoot, even the rookie himself dropped his jaw.
"Slam Dunk Champ Acknowledges Your Existence" Factor: 99
What did Zach LaVine think of Towns' handles and jam?
Same, Zach. Same.
Overall: 95
2. Stephen "Did I Call Bank? Who Cares, I'm the MVP" Curry (March 18)
Difficulty: 99
Banking in three-pointers, even on accident, is hard enough. Banking in corner triples with a 7-footer crowding your personal space should be illegal.
Clowning the Defender: 99
Although Nowitzki recovered in time to allot Stephen Curry minimal daylight, he got gotten by the reigning MVP's voodoo handles beforehand. It's rough being 37 years old. It's even rougher not being Stephen Curry.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 91
Since we're all friends here, I'll admit Curry's impossible bank was originally ranked lower. But then I (re-)stumbled across something Nowitzki said about the point guard's style to Tim MacMahon of ESPN.com: "I mean, I don't think this league has ever seen anything like it."
Remember this, fam. It's not Stephen Curry's fault he's turned the unprecedented into the routine. He shouldn't have to pay the price of potential boredom. Our jaws shouldn't suffer, either. Let 'em drop.
"Incite a 'Did He Call Glass?' Debate" Factor: 99
There's no way he called glass.
Overall: 97
1. Hassan "Hey, Look! A Max Contract Is Coming" Whiteside (March 17)
Difficulty: 99
Luol Deng didn't throw the perfect pass. Fortunately, he wasn't lobbing it up to just anyone else. He was dishing to Hassan Whiteside, a 7-footer with nasty reach.
Clowning the Defender: 98
Hey, at least Tyler Hansbrough and Courtney Lee tried.
Jaw-Drop Factor: 99
If this one-handed alley-oop finish in traffic didn't get you out of your beanbag chair, jaw agape, you have no soul.
"Make Odell Beckham Jr. Jealous" Factor: 99
Yo.
Well, that settles it: Whiteside has some damn good hands—which, just so all you general managers know, are particularly useful for signing max contracts.
Overall: 99
Stats courtesy of Basketball-Reference.com and NBA.com and accurate leading into games March 30.
Dan Favale covers the NBA for Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter, @danfavale.
