A Meme for Every NBA Team's Offseason
The 2015 NBA offseason was beyond weird.
DeAndre Jordan melted the Internet via an unprecedented on-again, off-again, then on-again free-agent dalliance with the Los Angeles Clippers. Kristaps Porzingis annihilated spellcheck, because he had the nerve to be named something other than Steve Smith.
Role players earned superstar-worthy paydays thanks to an unfathomable salary-cap climate. The Cleveland Cavaliers' luxury-tax bill turned, and is still turning, calculators to mush.
Trades were demanded, struck and turned down. Logjams were willingly created. At least one championship contender was torn down.
The San Antonio Spurs continued Spurs-ing.
Thus, it's now time to recap this bizarre offseason and prepare for the 2015-16 calendar with the only appropriate medium: MEMES!
Atlanta Hawks
Since the Hawks didn't own the Bird rights to DeMarre Carroll and Paul Millsap, they had a choice to make: sign one or blow up the roster in order to keep both.
They chose to sign just Millsap and must now replace Carroll with a platoon of Thabo Sefolosha, Kent Bazemore, Justin Holiday and Tim Hardaway Jr.—all capable wings.
Still, the Hawks had Carroll, who led them in postseason win shares, and now they don't. Such can be life within the NBA's collective bargaining agreement.
Brooklyn Nets
Yes, the Nets re-signed Brook Lopez and Thaddeus Young. And sure, they parted ways with Deron Williams. But, as general manager Billy King alludes to above, they still don't own the rights to their own first-rounder until 2019, per RealGM.
We're not about to let that slide.
Boston Celtics
No offense to Tyler Zeller, or David Lee, or Amir Johnson himself. But Jae Crowder could end up being the Celtics' best rim protector next season.
Enough said.
Charlotte Hornets
According to ESPN.com's Chris Forsberg, the Hornets turned down a draft-day trade proposal from the Celtics that consisted of six picks, four of which were first-rounders—all so that they wouldn't miss out on Frank Kaminsky.
Here's hoping Kaminsky is a future Hall of Famer or something.
Chicago Bulls
Most consider Jimmy Butler a shooting guard. Some might fancy him a small forward. Butler himself, however, apparently thinks he plays Derrick Rose's position.
Here's what he told reporters at Team USA's minicamp, per Bulls.com's Sam Smith:
"First off, I think I am a point guard. So I’ve done a heck of a lot of ball screen work, ball handling, getting into the paint and still handling, floaters, all that stuff point guards do. If I get a chance, high pick and roll more. I want some triple doubles. I’ve got to get my handle right so I can pass and get it to guys where they can make shots. I told Fred. You ask what position I play, I say point guard.
"
Awkward much?
Look, Butler most likely didn't mean anything by his comments. But we're still obligated to serve up some snark.
Cleveland Cavaliers
This is pretty self-explanatory. The Cavaliers spent a lot of money this offseason, and with Tristan Thompson still dangling in the wind, they're not yet done.
Owner Dan Gilbert would do well to break open his piggy bank in preparation of the yards-long luxury-tax bill Cleveland will inevitably incur in the name of keeping LeBron James happy.
Dallas Mavericks
After getting burned by DeAndre Jordan, the Mavericks proceeded to sign all the big men. They now have 15 players who stand 6'9" or taller on the roster ahead of training camp.
Sadly, The Brady Bunch only featured a cast of nine. Apologies and shout-outs to those who were randomly excluded.
Denver Nuggets
Ty Lawson is out, and rookie Emmanuel Mudiay is in.
And not only is he in, but Mudiay is it. No one else on the Nuggets was drafted, signed or traded for under the guise they could carry this franchise. Only one player bears that burden.
For better or worse, Denver is Mudiay's show now.
Detroit Pistons
Reggie Jackson put pen to paper on a five-year, $80 million contract with the Pistons this summer. Sooner or later, the team will have to show Andre Drummond some love as well.
Coach and president Stan Van Gundy isn't done spending owner Tom Gores' money.
Golden State Warriors
With the exception of trading Lee, the Warriors rightly kept their title-toting core in place. There's really not too much to say about their offseason—except, of course, what Klay Thompson said.
"I agree, I think so," Thompson responded when asked by a reporter in China if he and Stephen Curry were the best shooting duo of all time (via CBS Sports). "You know, Steph is one of the best to ever play. I think I'm right there by him. We both led the NBA in threes, we were No. 1 and 2. I don't know if that has ever happened on the same team."
Right or wrong (Thompson is right), it's good to know the younger Splash Brother isn't lacking any confidence these days.
Houston Rockets
Back in 2012, Rockets general manager Daryl Morey turned attractive trade assets into James Harden. In 2013, he poached Dwight Howard from the Los Angeles Lakers.
Last summer, after failing to sign Carmelo Anthony or Chris Bosh, he regrouped and picked up Trevor Ariza for a beggar's dime.
It finally looked like all would be quiet on the Rockets front this time around. But then Morey struck a trade for Ty Lawson, a borderline star, without giving up significant value in exchange.
So yeah, he's still got it.
Indiana Pacers
Rajon Rondo wasn't the only guard who had an adverse impact on the Mavericks' locker room culture last season. Monta Ellis also had an attitude problem, according to ESPN.com's Tim MacMahon.
Ellis hasn't been with the Pacers long at all, but hey, he's smiling now.
Los Angeles Clippers
During Jordan's free-agent flip-flop, Twitter exploded with reactions and reports so specific, they had to be coming from inside the Clippers' brain trust.
It was like the NBA version of When a Stranger Calls—you know, sans any gory carnage.
Los Angeles Lakers
Kobe Bryant will have to pass the Lakers torch at some point, and as the team's highest draft pick since James Worthy, D'Angelo Russell is No. 24's natural successor.
When exactly will Bryant relinquish his flaming baton? Most expect him to retire after next season. Few, if any, see him playing more than another year or two.
But we can never really know with Bryant. Not really.
Sit tight, D'Angelo.
Memphis Grizzlies
Memphis' offseason was very Memphis. The team retained Marc Gasol, added the athletic Brandan Wright and, perhaps most importantly, acquired another scrappy, grit-and-grind, bark-and-bite type in Matt Barnes.
Another top-five playoff seed now seems like a formality (second-round exit optional).
Miami Heat
Only Heat president Pat Riley could land a free-agent meeting with LaMarcus Aldridge, even though he didn't have any cap space to burn.
Miami's godfather tried convincing Aldridge to sign a one-year deal and re-enter free-agency next summer, when the Heat could make a run at him, according to ESPN.com's Brian Windhorst. Aldridge went on to sign with the San Antonio Spurs, but still...Riley is a boss.
It kind of makes you wonder what he's planning for 2016 and 2017, when the Heat could have some semblance of flexibility.
Incumbent teams preparing to turn superstar free agents loose in the coming summers would do well to watch their backs.
Milwaukee Bucks
OK, so here's the situation with John Henson: Head coach Jason Kidd cut his already sporadic playing time by more than eight minutes per game last season. The Bucks also just brought in Greg Monroe, who, like Henson, is best suited at center.
Finally, Henson, a per-100-possessions superhero, is up for an extension.
Unless Milwaukee moves Monroe to power forward (mistake), Jabari Parker to small forward (mistake) and Giannis Antetokounmpo to point guard (mistake?), Henson remains a backup big who will see limited action. And that makes it impossible to gauge his value.
Especially to the size-stacked, length-loaded Bucks.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Ahem:
| Ricky Rubio | Kevin Martin | Andrew Wiggins | Kevin Garnett | Karl-Anthony Towns |
| Andre Miller | Zach LaVine | Shabazz Muhammad | Adreian Payne | Gorgui Dieng |
| Tyus Jones | Damjan Rudez | Anthony Bennett | Nikola Pekovic | |
| Lorenzo Brown | Nemanja Bjelica |
Mandatory roster cuts will help the Timberwolves clear up some of their logjams ahead of the regular season. Barring multiple, cross-position injuries, though, coach and president Flip Saunders will have some—er, rather, a lot of—tough decisions to make.
New Orleans Pelicans
Anthony Davis' five-year, $145(ish) million extension—which won't kick in until 2016-17—is a steal for the Pelicans.
That I can write that without coming across as hyperbolic, delusional and/or ignorant only reinforces what we already know: Davis is more science experiment than human.
New York Knicks
Depending on the day or anonymous source, Carmelo Anthony is incredibly upset or totally excited that the Knicks selected Kristaps Porzingis.
Whatever the truth is now, one question remains: Did Anthony know who Porzingis was before June 25?
Oklahoma City Thunder
Assuming the Thunder do not trade Enes Kanter, his $70 million deal will span four years, including one leap year. That's 1,461 days.
Enjoy, Oklahoma City fans.
Orlando Magic
Tobias Harris will earn roughly $243,562 more than James Harden next season, per Basketball-Reference.com.
Welcome to the NBA's new salary-cap climate, folks.
Would-be anomalies such as these will continue cropping up over the next few years. Brace your brains.
Philadelphia 76ers
Sorry to all my Sixers peeps, but this isn't inaccurate.
Just ask JaVale McGee. Or Gerald Wallace. Or Carl Landry.
Or—well, you get the point.
Phoenix Suns
Markieff Morris is giving Phoenix the silent treatment, according to Arizona Sports 98.7 FM's John Gambadoro. He is not happy the Suns traded his brother Marcus, feels disrespected and, per Gambadoro, "wants out" now.
All the Suns need to do is actually trade him—no small task considering his off-court legal troubles, and the fact that he's not handling this whole "not playing beside his brother" thing very well.
Buyers should beware.
They should also text or call Suns general manager Ryan McDonough at their earliest convenience.
Portland Trail Blazers
Portland waived goodbye to almost 50 percent of its total offense from last season this summer. That's roster turnover to the extreme.
Worry not, though, because Damian Lillard is locked up for the foreseeable future and, from the looks of things, may know how to serve and/or bake pastries.
Sacramento Kings
Bleacher Report's Howard Beck said the Kings organization remains split on whether or not to trade franchise cornerstone DeMarcus Cousins. The big man himself denied said chatter on Twitter, as did team president Vlade Divac and owner Vivek Ranadive.
That settles it: We needn't pay attention to past rumors or self-diagnosed problems.
The Kings are totally fine.
San Antonio Spurs
When will the Spurs' title window close?
Acceptable answers include: Never; never, ever; and never, ever, ever.
Toronto Raptors
The Raptors improved a great deal this summer. Cory Joseph, Luis Scola, Bismack Biyombo and Carroll are all solid additions, and Jonas Valanciunas' four-year extension isn't horrible.
But when Carroll is your highest-paid player, you can't be expecting much more than a second-round exit—which, in this case, would be an upgrade over the Raptors' two consecutive first-round departures.
Utah Jazz
B/R's own Grant Hughes will now grab the mic and explain why the name "Rudy Gobert" and the phrase "super-max deal" belong in the same meme:
"Despite spending two-thirds of the season as a reserve, Gobert was Utah's very best player last year, amassing a team-high 9.3 win shares. Ibaka's team had already become good gradually, mostly on the strength of other players; Gobert was the reason his team got good overnight.
There's no point in continuing to look. Gobert has no historical precedent.
"
As for Gobert's totally fake, not-at-all-real question, the Jazz own a team option on him for 2016-17. If he doesn't get his super max next year, he's assured of doing the get-paid dance in 2017.
Washington Wizards
Although the Wizards didn't have much money to spend this summer, they also didn't do much by any kind of standard. They drafted Kelly Oubre Jr., waived goodbye to Paul Pierce and landed Jared Dudley. Small-time moves.
It's almost like they're biding time and dollar signs for a certain 2016 free agent or something.
Stats courtesy of Basketball-Reference.com. Salary information via Basketball Insiders unless otherwise cited.
Dan Favale covers the NBA for Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter, @danfavale.
