Alessandro Del Piero and 20 Aging Stars Who Should Play For MLS

Major League Soccer a.k.a. retirement home for the aging European superstar.

Check out the names—David Beckham, Thierry Henry, er…Robbie Keane. Hey! You know what we're talking about!

Since its inception 15 years ago, MLS has evolved from a fragile start-up into a developing league full of young talent and aging stars.

That's no knock on the league, it's just the way it is.

First it was David Beckham and Thierry Henry. Now it could be Alessandro Del Piero.

Who's next? We're glad you asked.

If we ran world football, the aging stars on this list are who we'd want to bring to America.

Alessandro Del Piero

Name: Alessandro Del Piero

Age: 36 (37 in November)

Fun Fact

Del Piero is good pals with Noel Gallagher of Oasis. He appeared in the band's video for the single, "Lord Don't Slow Me Down."

Why MLS?

Two words: Jersey Shore.

The nation's youth are obsessed with Italians right now. What better way to sate their thirst for Italians at the Jersey Shore than to get Del Piero signed with the New York Red Bulls?

Suggested Club

New York Red Bulls

Steven Gerrard

Name: Steven Gerrard

Age: 31

Fun Fact

He's married to this woman.

Why MLS?

You know Steven Gerrard's wholesome good looks and "aww shucks" demeanor would play well for a heartland audience.

Suggested Club

We're thinking the Columbus Crew.

Frank Lampard

Name: Frank Lampard

Age: 33

Fun Fact

Lampard and a few Chelsea teammates once got fined for, well, the news report says it so much better.

"Four Chelsea footballers have been fined by their club for drunkenly abusing grieving Americans at a Heathrow hotel 24 hours after the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon.

"Some team members went on a five-hour drinking binge - culminating in their stripping naked and vomiting in public. The players, who were said to have been ejected from the third pub they had visited, shouted, laughed, threw peanuts and reportedly abused other guests."

Why MLS?

Lampard supports the Conservative Party in Great Britain. Wouldn't you love to see him become one of those Obama birthers in America?

Suggested Club

Somewhere in Texas so he can be among political kindred spirits. Let's say FC Dallas.

Miroslav Klose

Name: Miroslav Klose

Age: 33

Fun Fact

He does flips after scoring goals.

Why MLS?

It would be so much fun to hear rednecks trying to sound out his name. "My-row-slave Cloh-see? What kinda crazy name is that?"

Plus, he scores lots of goals and does flips after them.

Suggested Club

The farther south, the better. Houston Dynamo.

Filippo Inzaghi

Name: Filippo Inzaghi

Age: 38

Fun Fact

He's been a full professional since the first Bush was in the White House. That's 1991, folks!

Why MLS?

Because everyone should have the Filippo Inzaghi experience. Every woman in Europe already has.

Suggested Club

Filippo has had his fill of Italian models. He needs a new experience. We're thinking the hippie women of the Pacific Northwest would do him some good. Portland Timbers.

Ryan Giggs

Name: Ryan Giggs

Age: 37 (38 in November)

Fun Fact

Earlier this year, Giggs was revealed to be the secret name behind the "super-injunction" against British newspapers that were trying to report on his extra-marital affair with Imogen Thomas.

That super-injunction kinda reminds us of double-secret probation.

Why MLS?

Because he could never stop the media like that in America. They'd be a pack of wolves all over his business.

Suggested Club

LA Galaxy. Plenty of chances for super-injunction fun.

Clarence Seedorf

Name: Clarence Seedorf

Age: 35

Fun Fact

In high school, we listened to a punk band called No Use For A Name. On their album, More Betterness!, there's a song called, "Not Your Savior."

At the beginning of the song, there's audio from a soccer match in which the announcer screams a bunch of stuff in a language we don't understand.

The only words we understood were "Seedorf" and "Goal!!!!!!"

Why MLS?

Too many casual sports fans in America think soccer is a wussy sport.

Seedorf is not a wuss. He's one bad mamba jamba. MLS needs more players like Seedorf.

From now on, this will be known as the "Seedorf Statute."

Suggested Club

Seedorf is a bad man, but he's also talented. He needs a mix of a cosmopolitan big city and a blue-collar town. We're thinking Chicago Fire.

Patrick Vieira

Name: Patrick Vieira

Age: 35 (retired)

Fun Fact

Vieira has five cats (according to his Wikipedia page).

Why MLS?

He retired earlier this year, but he could definitely join MLS under the Seedorf Statute.

Plus, he could team up with Meredith Vieira for a daytime talk show—Vieira and Vieira.

Wouldn't that be fun?

Suggested Club

Anywhere, really. We'll plump for DC United, mostly to bring back memories of the Pizza Incident.

Gennaro Gattuso

Name: Gennaro Gattuso

Age: 33 (34 in January)

Fun Fact

Those crazy eyeglasses aren't just awesome. They're functional.

Gattuso is suffering from paralysis of his seventh cranial nerve. Hence the modern Euro pirate look.

Why MLS?

The Seedorf Statute, for one. Also, the MLS needs more characters. Gattuso qualifies.

Suggested Club

Anywhere. How about Chivas USA?

Gianluigi Buffon

Name: Gianluigi Buffon

Age: 33 (34 in January)

Fun Fact

His wife looks like this.

Why MLS?

Americans love Italian dudes named Luigi.

We also love to look at hot models who are married to footballers. Plus, MLS needs some star power at the goalkeeper position.

Suggested Club

It would have to be the New York Red Bulls.

Didier Drogba

Name: Didier Drogba

Age: 33

Fun Fact

He has a 17-year-old son.

Why MLS?

MLS needs more characters. Drogba qualifies.

And it would be fun to see NASCAR fans trying to figure this guy out.

Suggested Club

The nearer the NASCAR track, the better. How about the rumored Atlanta expansion team?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Name: Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Age: 30

Fun Fact

His entire life!

Why MLS?

Mainly for the confusion and consternation he would cause so many Americans. Is his name Satan? Wait, he's Swedish?

But his name sounds like he's from Eastern Europe. Why does he look so funny?

Again, MLS needs more characters. With the sharpest elbows in Europe, Ibrahimovic certainly qualifies.

Suggested Club

Somewhere kooky, with lots of conservative religious types. Real Salt Lake.

Diego Forlán

Name: Diego Forlán

Age: 32

Fun Fact

His father and grandfather both played professionally.

Why MLS?

Forlán is pure awesomeness. MLS needs more goal-scorers, not light-scoring midfielders like David Beckham.

Suggested Club

Anywhere. We haven't mentioned the Colorado Rapids yet.

Diego Milito

Name: Diego Milito

Age: 32

Fun Fact

He's nicknamed El Principe (The Prince) because of his supposed resemblance to Uruguayan footballer Enzo Francescoli.

Why MLS?

Because he really looks like Stallone. And we all love us some Rocky!

Suggested Club

Philadelphia Union, of course.

John Terry

Name: John Terry

Age: 30 (31 in December)

Fun Fact

Terry once had an extra-marital affair with Vanessa Perroncel, the girlfriend of one of his teammates.

Super-injunctions galore!

Why MLS?

The league needs some big-name defenders. And let's be honest—this is going to happen.

Suggested Club

San Jose Earthquakes

Iker Casillas

Name: Iker Casillas

Age: 30

Fun Fact

He has a way with attractive female sideline reporters.

Why MLS?

Because in America, we invented the attractive female sideline reporter. Erin Andrews is the queen bee.

And because we really need a sports star named Iker (that's pronounced "Eek-er," genius).

Suggested Club

Definitely Chivas USA.

Owen Hargreaves

Name: Owen Hargreaves

Age: 30 (31 in January)

Fun Fact

He's Canadian! He used to play for a club called Calgary Foothills.

Why MLS?

Because it's close to home.

And because he dates or used to date a former college soccer player who's pretty dang hot.

Suggested Club

Calgary is in the Canadian Midwest, so that rules out Toronto or Montreal.

How about the Vancouver Whitecaps?

Michael Owen

Name: Michael Owen

Age: 31 (32 in December)

Fun Fact

He met his wife in grade school in 1984.

Why MLS?

The league needs more high-scoring strikers, not light-scoring midfielders like David Beckham.

Owen would be kind of like an English Jaime Moreno (alert: Jeff Agoos sighting in that video!).

In other words—lots of dribbling and goals.

Suggested Club

In honor of Moreno, DC United.

Ashley Cole

Name: Ashley Cole

Age: 30 (31 in December)

Fun Fact

Cole is a distant cousin of Mariah Carey.

Why MLS?

Couldn't you just imagine some Americans trying to figure out how a man can be named Ashley?

We can and would love to see it.

Suggested Club

Sporting Kansas City. They used to be called The Wiz.

Seriously, nobody beats the Wiz!

Robinho

Name: Robinho

Age: 27

Fun Fact

OK, so he's not aging at all, but he did say this one time: 

“My dream is to win the World Cup and then to enjoy having sex. After all of the effort, I think I will have deserved it. I feel good, enjoying myself and I’m going to dedicate all my goals to my family.”

Why MLS?

The league needs more players like that.

Suggested Club

New England Revolution

Xavi Hernandez

Name: Xavi Hernandez

Age: 31 (32 in January)

Fun Fact

He's spent his entire 14-year career at Barcelona.

Why MLS?

Xavi is so good. MLS needs good players.

Suggested Club

New York Red Bulls