Ladies and gentleman, good morning, afternoon and evening. I'm Ross Lipschultz and for the next two hours, I will lead you through a clash of the titans at the World Cup between Brazil and the Ivory Coast.
Luckily for you, this clash of the titans doesn't have Sam Worthington's terrible acting.
But it will have plenty of acting.
So whether or not you are watching at home, at a pub or in your grandmother's loft (like me), make sure to sit next to your dad during the game, give him a big hug, and then get back to focusing on the game.
He can wait a couple of hours, right?
Let's get ready, folks, because these two squads form the kind of match-up that could have more scoring than Hugh Hefner's birthday. Brazil can essentially lock up a berth in Stage 2 with a W, while Ivory Coast would have one foot out of the door with a loss.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Get excited, world! And please free to get involved in the conversation by leaving a comment or a question.
93': Ref blows his whistle, and it's all over. Brazil qualifies for the second round, and the Ivory Coast needs to pray for Portugal not to win.
Sadly, it wasn't as competitive as many thought it would be. Brazil was on the attack for the majority of the time, and they can't be beaten if their opponent is on their heels.
One last note: Terrible call on the Kaka red card. Just a terrible acting job, and let's hope it is rescinded.
Thanks for being with me today. Now go give your dad some love.
92': Really? Subbing in Ramires? Wasting time is a low blow when it's clear the Coast can't come back.
90': The announcers are hating on the complaining culture of the sport and how the actors should be ashamed. Absoltuely right, it's a disgrace that the game can't be played without blatant lying. I love the bluntness of the commentators that is unheard of in the U.S.
87': Kaka forearms a Coast player in the chest, and the attacker hits the floor, holding his face. Nice. He forced a red card on Kaka that was totally undeserved. And I was about to congratulate the referees on a fair game.
85': Yellow cards flying around on both sides. There's more whining here than at a day care.
84': Zidane's leaving? What a slacker! He can only get laid so often. Stay for the next six minutes.
82': That replay of Drogba kissing his teammate was so nice. Bro-love overseas.
79': DROGBA SCORES!!!! The first goal by an African nation against Brazil ever. Too bad it's looking like a futile effort. But still a great play by the Coast to make it 3-1
75': Keita gets a yellow card, but it's nice to see the Coast still trying. Sadly it's like trying to stop an avalanche with Swiss cheese.
72': Romaric in. The Ivory Coast trying anything and everything. But Julio Cesar will have none of that.
70': These last few attacks have shown why Brazil is a World Cup favorite. No complacency at all, still driving for another score, even with an insurmountable lead. That's how should soccer should be played, MLS.
67': Salomon Kalou out, Kader Keita in. The Coast getting desperate, but it hasn't translated into improved play. Credit the British locking them down like Fort Knox.
65': Elano looking hurt on that play. Looked like a flop initially, but now off the field on a stretcher. Yikes.
62': Elano with another goal on a great cross. 3-0. Beatdown. This match may have been David v. Goliath, but Goliath is eating him up. Then throwing him up, and eating him again.
58': Pretty through ball by the Ivory Coast, but just a little long. Brazil with excellent ball pressure, clogging the lanes and making life very difficult for the Coast.
54': So close by Drogba's "dangerous head." He just missed with a header in traffic that would have brought Ivory Coast back into the game. However, that title sounds like a porn film.
52': The last hat trick by Brazil in a World Cup was by Pele. Apparently, the statisticians do not count Ronaldo's threesome with the two male escorts.
50': Luis Fabiano strikes again. Unbelievable weave through three Coast defenders for a sweet goal. Definitely a handball, but for now, the score is 2-0. Somewhere, Thierry Henry is smiling.
48': Gervinho coming in to make a difference, as he can be a game changer. I called the sub, just so you know.
Also, is Aruna Dindane a Wayne Brady impersonator on the side?
46': No one has ever beat Brazil when they have a lead at half time in the World Cup. The Coast fans don't want to be the 36th team in that group.
Now it's halftime. The African upstart team needs to set the tone in the second half if they want a chance at a draw at the very least. Don't be surprised with early substitutions to get some fire back on the pitch.
Brazil can easily lock the game up if they can improve their passing on the break. They have played their game, and had the Coast playing passive.
I'll see you all soon for the second 45.
45': Nice subtle dig by the announcer at the replay crew? "Artistic in quotes."
44': Did Dunga steal the Thriller jacket and paint it black?
41': Eboue with a really strong attempt, and he has been one of the few players still pushing it going as the half approaches. Rick Ross would be proud.
37': Finally, a good shot on goal by the Coast. It looked like they were content with going into half down 1-0. But if they continue to pass with the accuracy of Ryan Leaf, they are never going to tie it up.
34': The World Cup heavyweights are now controlling the pace. On offense, they are playing patient, waiting for opporunities. On defense, they've prevented the spacing Ivory Coast needs to suceed.
31': Until now. Unnecessary yellow card on the Coast, only caused by Dunga calling whine-1-1.
30': It's nice to see the ref not reaching for cards every time someone hits the pitch. He's watching the game and calling it fair. But how come the U.S. gets stuck with the Stevie Wonder of umps?
27': Congrats to Luis Fabiano by the way. Six career international goals give him a FIFA scoring title for himself. I'm guessing that's not the only scoring he will do tonight.
25': Goooooooooooooooooooal at the 24:20 mark. Fabiano going into the roof from a tight angle on the right side. The Coast plays defense by just diving at the ball instead of manning up. Can't put that kind of pressure on Barry to make a stop all by himself.
22': Kaka needs to get more involved and Brazil needs to stop with the errant passes. However, Kaka's hair still looks great. The stylist will get a Artest-esque shout out after the match.
20': Good try from the right side for Brazil. The cross wasn't great, but still taking advantage of a missed assignment by the Coast's right back.
18': Over a third through the first half, and the tide has sightly turned. Ivory Coast is getting more action in front of the goalie. And even Robinho's best Dancing With The Star's moves can't save them.
15': Drogba just earned his SAG card with that move. Pulls Lucio to the floor and still gets the call. And the free kick was actually a good shot, just great defense by Brazil's keeper.
12': Brazil's physical play has driven the Ivory Coast attack back. Again. And that free kick was just atrocious. Drogba shouldn't be taking the attempt anyway.
8': The Coast is finally setting some pace on the attack. But too many poor lobs, entries and tentative play have kept them too far from the box.
5': Brazil has been on offense for about 80 percent of the match. Their coach and future Bond villain Dunga should be pleased.
3': The announcers just said the crowd enjoyed the Ivory Coast's ball handling. Too bad they've opened the game backpedaling. That needs to change if they want to stay alive.
0': The game is just underway and both sides have done the appropriate "pointing to the heavens" at least five times per person. Let's see who fights for God's love.
-5' (pregame): How can I be one of those kids on the field? Could someone ever top that moment in their life? I know all the things I would do for a Klondike Bar, and to get down to the field in South Africa would get me to do things that even HBO won't air.