David Villa Signing For Tottenham Hotspur? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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David Villa Signing For Tottenham Hotspur? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Angel Martinez/Getty Images

Spurs are in the Champions' League, but they're not yet 'IN' the Champions' League. They need to play a pre-group qualifier and they've never been in the tournament before. However, the papers still like to link Spurs with every available player on the market, despite not having the funds to buy them all.

Procedure for writing about Spurs transfer rumours:

Step 1) Look at what players Spurs need (defender? midfielder? striker? motorcycle stuntman (goalkeeper)?).

Step 2) Examine the transfer market for the most expensive, never-in-a-million-trophies players available.

Step 3) Place the players name into a hat-like receptacle.

Step 4) Have the entire office pick one name each and write a short sentence about how 'serious' Spurs are about bidding for those players.

Step 5) Email the articles to the Daily Star.

Spurs undoubtedly need another striker. The chances given to the current strikeforce by Ryan Giggs' successor Gareth Bale, the speed-merchant Lennon, and the metrosexual stud-muffin in shorts David Bentley, haven't always been used well.

Near misses don't cut it at the moment and it won't help Spurs advance very far in the Champions' League. Crouch and Defoe have a sparkling international track record, but they can frequently lack quality in front of goal for their club.

Apparently Spurs are "serious" about signing David Villa for £40 million (which would be a record-breaking transfer for Spurs) from Valencia, under the noses of Barcelona. Valencia has become desperate to sell due to financial problems and David Villa's departure will leave a big hole in their squad which could only ever be filled by Fernando Torres.

I'm here to dispel an easily dispel-able myth about this shock rumour. If you were Villa, would you choose Barcelona—a club who is experienced in Champions' League play and has proven it time and time again, or Tottenham Hotspur—a club who isn't even in the group stages yet and is effectively a 'newbie' to the tournament?

The more credible rumour would be the pursuit of Sevilla striker Luis Fabiano. He could be the second coming of Frederic Kanoute, who I've missed since he left Spurs back in 2005. His killer instinct continued at his current club, Sevilla, where he decorated himself with two consecutive UEFA Cups (2005/2006 and 2006/2007) and a Copa Del Rey (2006/2007).

Arda Turan could be making an appearance at White Hart Lane to give the midfield a bit more flair (as if it needs more of that anyway). However, there is stiff competition from Arsenal and Liverpool, and Turan has made public his desire to play for Liverpool, of whom he is a big fan.

Harry Redknapp was supposedly spotted in France tapping up Girondins Bordeaux left-back Benoit Tremoulinas. I don't think this is necessary as we have decent left-backs in Benoit Assou-Ekotto and Gareth Bale (if required in the LB position).

What we do need is another centre-back. Woodgate and Ledley are both, let's face it, CROCKED! I originally expected Woody to be back earlier than King, but it turns out that the permanently injured King has made more appearances this season.

Anyway, Spurs need to fill the gap with another centre-back who doesn't have a groin made of chewing gum. Whether that's why Sandro has been signed I won't know until he arrives. His main priority was to bulk out the central midfield but he might be required to deputise at centre-back.

But going back to David Villa, the photo above is of him on hearing the rumour that Spurs are interested in him. Not very amused, is he.

If Spurs are aiming to sign him, then Kevin-Prince Boateng is currently a German national hero...

UPDATE - Villa is now completing his transfer to Barcelona like reality said.

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