Just a suggestion: Never put a pig's head in Kenwyne Jones' locker.
The report alleges Jones found the bloody head on Friday, a prank that set him off on a brief mission of revenge.
Thankfully, American Brek Shea was around to capture an image of the pig that set a locker room aflame in bad will.
Fine, Jones will see your pig's head and raise you a brick through the windshield, because he did just that to Glenn Whelan's car.
As noted, Whelan is the prime suspect in the polarizing prank and will soon have to answer to team officials well before the club leaves for their Sunday fixture against Southampton.
If you weren't already aware Stoke City frowns upon severed heads being placed in colleague's lockers, the team released the following statement:
The Club takes seriously reports of an incident at our Training Ground this afternoon.
A full internal investigation will be carried out and those responsible for any unacceptable behaviour will be dealt with in accordance with the Club’s disciplinary procedures.
If I might translate: We can't believe we couldn't make it a full season without some sort of pig head kerfuffle taking over the locker room. Someone is going to get a slap on the wrist and hit to the wallet.
Well, you learn something new every day. And I learned that the natural progression of events is as follows: pig's head in locker; brick through windshield; everyone run away before whatever takes place next.
Jones wasn't the only person to take the prank seriously, because the striker's girlfriend, Kissa Abdullah, had some interesting things to say on Twitter:
I am sure teammates will soon come together in the harmony only the pitch can provide. As for future teammates of Jones who happen upon a pig's head, leave it alone.
Hit me up on Twitter for more sage wisdom: Follow @gabezal