If English Premier League Teams Were Pop Stars...

Charles Lawley@@charleslawleyContributor IMarch 6, 2013

If English Premier League Teams Were Pop Stars...

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    There are many similarities between the Premier League and the music industry:

    Both have their global superstars.

    Both have their one-hit wonders.

    And Kevin Keegan embarrassed himself in both. (See “I will love it if we beat them” and “Head Over Heels In Love.” Actually, please do see "Head Over Heels In Love.")

    So today we’re asking, if English Premier League teams were pop stars, which ones would they be?

Arsenal: Madonna

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    Both have been at the top for awhile, but they're not doing as well as they once were.

    Despite this, they both still have a global following and can still draw a big crowd, no matter how much they charge.

    However, in the past, their controversies were considered all part of their personas and a bit sexy, but now they just seem questionable and a little weird.

    Both are desperate to relive past success and go back in time to when they were in "Vogue."

Aston Villa: Justin Bieber

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    Young and talented, but also very easy to ridicule.

    They have strong followings, but also some very bitter rivalries within their respective worlds (the West Midlands/preteen pop).

    You worry that their young ages and inexperience might not serve them well in the long run. If things start going wrong, will they be able to cope, or will they just lose the plot altogether?

    Villa haven't been relegated from the Premier League since their formation, but "Never Say Never."

Chelsea: 50 Cent

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    Very wealthy and not ashamed of it—even if the money comes from sources of questionable repute.

    Loved in some circles, despised in others. Some see them as vulgar and the epitome of everything that is wrong within their industries.

    Others see no problem with the large investment in them, as it’s just the fashion now within each industry, and they’re making the most of it.

    They have had some wonderful success but are prone to some absolutely bizarre decision-making and aren't ashamed to say, "I Get Money."

Everton: Christina Aguilera

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    They have often been in the shadow of their close rivals (Liverpool/Britney Spears), but they have really done enough over the last few years that they should be taken seriously in their own rights.

    They and their close rivals come from places those on the outside have trouble understanding (Merseyside/The Mickey Mouse Club).

    But, to fans outside the rivalries, they seem to be better-liked than their rivals.

    They often knock on the door to the big-big time, but they seem to fall short when push comes to shove.

    Their work can sometimes be "Dirrty," but sometimes it can be "Beautiful."

Fulham: Ne-Yo

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    Both are a bigger deal at home (Craven Cottage/the U.S.) then they are away from home (on the road/outside of the U.S.).

    Their fans aren’t particularly well-known for being diehards.

    They don’t look like they’ll ever become the world's biggest superstars, but they also don’t look like they’ll ever drop into obscurity.

    They're prone to some very odd Michael Jackson tributes.

    Fulham have never worried London’s big three clubs (Chelsea, Arsenal and Spurs), but they’re getting "Closer."

Liverpool: One Direction

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    Their support is global and fanatical, almost cult-like. But people outside their fanbases often just don’t get it and can find it a little alienating.

    However, neutrals are starting to come around to them. They have put on some good displays recently, and their lineups are relatively young.  

    Despite not being at the very top, on their day, they’re world-class and have absolutely no problem selling out stadiums.

    Their fans' loyalties are unquestioned, but they still hope there’s "More Than This."

Manchester City: Adele

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    Their success might be quite recent, in the grand scheme of things, but they’re the big things at the moment.

    They haven’t done as well this year as they did last year, but they are still big, big names, and when it's time for awards to get handed out, they'll be there or thereabouts.

    Despite recent success and seemingly limitless wealth, they are still considered credible and are still quite liked by fans of other acts.

    They have loud booming voices that, to people who live on their streets, could characterize them as “noisy neighbors.”

    Now that they're at the top, the times when they were "Rolling in the Deep" are almost forgotten memories.

Manchester United: Coldplay

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    Absolutely huge and have been for what seems like forever.

    However, no matter how hard it is to believe, they did start out as just ordinary acts, like everyone else. They shot to global superstardom, though, and haven’t looked back since.

    They’re as loved globally as they are detested. Though they have never done anything to harm anybody, fans of less-mainstream acts seem to absolutely hate them.

    They’re not considered cool, but everything they do is successful in one way or another.

    And, though some individuals within each group are bigger names than others, none of them are bigger than their teams.

    Not to mention that they've got some "Lovers in Japan."

Newcastle United: Britney Spears

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    Their fans may not always be happy with the directions that these acts take, and the fans have been known to display displeasure that the acts are involved in contracts and dealings that seem a little odd.

    Things can get weird. Very weird. Especially when it comes to balding.

    And they seem very unlikely to reach the heady heights they once occupied in the '90s.

    At times, things have been "Toxic," but they always come out "Stronger."

Norwich City: Skrillex

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    They’re a credible outfit. But, hand-on-heart, they’re very unlikely to crack the mainstream.

    They can put in some great performances, but they're also prone to absolutely shocking collapses.

    They shouldn’t be underestimated, but if you were to write them off, you wouldn't be the "First of the Year" to do so.

Queens Park Rangers: The Rolling Stones

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    Made up of talent who, in their day, were absolutely brilliant, but in 2013...not so much. If their members were all still in their primes, they’d be right at the top.

    They are known for quite wild behavior. Late, headline-grabbing comebacks wouldn't be out of the question, but it’s an absolute miracle they’re still around today.  

    They’re also quite big in Asia.

    They’ve got lots of money, but not a lot of it has been spent wisely.

    They survived "The Last Time," but if things don't go to plan, "It's All Over Now."

Reading: Cheryl Cole

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    Lucky to be where they are now, but fighting to hold on to their successes despite not having that much talent at their disposals.

    They haven’t had the best of luck with Chelsea players.

    But, not ones to give up easily, they have great attitudes and are hoping to spend a bit more time "Under the Sun."

Southampton: New Kids on the Block

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    Some of their more talented members have left for bigger and better things, but at their core, they’re acts that have been together for awhile.

    They were previously quite successful. However, they fell out of the spotlight for a bit, but have now made comebacks.

    Sometimes they seem on the verge of losing it completely, but they are still Hangin’ Tough.

Stoke City: The Black Eyed Peas

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    They seem like ragtag bunches of all different sorts of people, but their group dynamics work.

    They have circled the drain as many times as they’ve had a shot at the big time.

    Their philosophies are disliked by purists as ugly and difficult to stomach, but they get the job done. Nothing makes their critics "Shut Up" like when they "Pump It" up top to the big man.

Sunderland: Leona Lewis

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    They seem to be in free-falls at the moment and could really do with a change of fortunes soon. Otherwise, they could be in real danger, and people will start talking about the chop.

    They’ve come from humble backgrounds, and now, though they're not small names within their industries, they’re not exactly world-beaters, either.

    Hopefully, their current "Trouble" with their forms will get "Better in Time," and they can go on a good "Run."

Swansea City: Jessie J

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    They’re really quite good, but not very well-known outside of the U.K. And even within the U.K., some are ignorant to their talents.

    They seemingly came out of nowhere to be successful overnight.

    Some of their work can be quite innovative and capable of really upsetting the big guys. Despite this, there aren’t many people who begrudge their recent successes.

    They prove that, despite the states of their industries at the moment, it's not all about the "Price Tag."

Tottenham Hotspur: Carly Rae Jepsen

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    They’ve actually been around awhile, but no one took notice until they had huge hits last year. However, things seemed to peter out by the end.

    They’re each taking another shot this time around, but they just don’t look like they’re going to be huge.

    Some find them quite addictive, while others find them unbearably annoying. Regardless of this, they’ve been having a "Good Time" recently.

West Bromwich Albion: Chris Brown

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    Have grabbed big headlines quite recently, but aren’t up to too much at the moment.

    They're certainly talented, but they are prone to rolling over for bigger names.

    There have been many changes and very regrettable times, but I suspect we’ll be hearing about them Forever.

West Ham United: Beady Eye

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    Their leaders aren't the most popular guys and can rub people the wrong way, but they have contributed hugely to their industries' cultures.

    In the '60s, they would have been huge, on the cutting edge and courting worldwide success. But their style, today, just isn’t what the mainstream is looking for.

    Thanks to past achievements and wonderful histories, they're still considered big names.

    Things might have changed since the glory days, but they're just in a Different Gear, Still Speeding.

Wigan Athletic: Sir Elton John

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    They are survivors.

    No matter how much trouble they find themselves in, they seem to always pull through.

    They don't have huge fan bases, and you don’t hear of diehard fans who travel the earth for them, but they still produce some great performances when they need to, even if they have little spats.

    You might forget about them and think they’re gone, but they’re "Still Standing."