English Premier League Power Rankings: Comparing Each EPL Contender to a Song
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Futbol is back, and for fans of "The Beautiful Game," the sight of a ball being kicked around, dives and outlandish goal celebrations is, err, that one cliché.
Music to their ears.
Music may be underscored by the athletic feats themselves, but music will forever be embedded in sport, whether it's at the forefront or not.
"We Are The Champions" ringing through a venue post-championship triumph is as inevitable as a forced "I'm going to Disneyland" blurb after the Super Bowl. Baseball players are judged and ridiculed by their walk-up songs. Star athletes will inevitably continue to pollute ears by foraying into the musical world.
What better way to personify the EPL's contenders for the title than music?
Besides, music sounds way cooler than typed words put in front of each other, anyway.
Dishonorable Mention, Queens Park Rangers: Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me, Maybe"
Queens Park Rangers are the obnoxious London-based squad that just won't go away. Maybe it's because they let a punk captain their side last season or that their manager seems to have an inflated sense of his own team's ability, but most seem to relish watching QPR go down in flames.
Or maybe it's because they got smashed by Swansea 5-0 on Matchday 1. Other than ardent supporters, few would lose much sleep if QPR were booted back down to the League Championship.
Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me, Maybe" has been a bit of an Internet sensation. Sure, there are parodies and such, but some strange people may actually like the song.
The fact alone that the song has lingered in the forefront for so long, even if for purely point-and-laugh reasons, shows everything that is wrong with the world.
You two can both go away and make Earth a much better place, thank you very much.
Side note: Certain Bleacher Report employees have taken to calling the author of this piece, "Call Me, Swaby," which explains some of the hostility. Carly Rae apologists and angry QPR supporters can direct hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Fulham: Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
Don't tread on Clint Dempsey.
Landon Donovan may widely be considered to be the best American footballer on the planet, but most hardcore football-following Americans are quicker to rally around the less-decorated Clint Dempsey.
"Born in the USA" is a Bruce Springsteen classic, one that's often misguidedly mistaken as a patriotic ode to the good ol' US-of-A. I mean, it's the freakin' Boss.
Who wouldn't want to tie an American flag bandana around their forehead and go on a Walmart spending bender after rocking out to "Born in the USA"?
But Springsteen's classic is hardly a red-blooded American anthem. Instead, it's critical of a post-Vietnam America that seemingly turned its back on returning veterans.
Dempsey, who scored 20 goals for Fulham last season, has been painted to have turned his back on the club that gave him his EPL start. For what it's worth, though, Fulham didn't seem to miss the American too much, as they effortlessly dispatched Norwich City 5-0 in their opener.
Liverpool: Arcade Fire's "Wake Up"
This is not a dream.
Steven Gerrard (awoken in a cold sweat): I just had this terrible dream!
Alex Curran (Mrs. Gerrard): What is it, honey? You look terrible. You look like John Terry just told you that...well, never mind.
Gerrard: No, no, worse than that (Curran doesn't approve of this comment), I had this awful nightmare that we just lost 3-0 to West Brom. West. Freaking. Brom. I mean, we just won the Champions League in 2005, no way we would ever lose to them.
Curran: Wake up, honey, (still smarting from the Terry comment), you did lose to West Brom. 3-0, no less.
*Gerrard, completely inconsolable, does this*
Everton: Toby Keith's "How Do You Like Me Now?"
How do you like me now (United)?
Everton are hardly a side to make headlines for lavish spending over transfer windows.
Usually they're overshadowed by their exponentially more decorated and free-spending Merseyside neighbors, Liverpool—for better or for worse. Lately, for worse.
In spite of a modest budget and mediocre expectations, David Moyes manages to keep his side in the upper echelon of the mid-table squads, competing for Europa League spots and such. But few consider them to be actual contenders in the Premier League.
But every so often, things like Monday happen, when they squashed newly anointed favorites Manchester United, 1-0.
Everton have never been the team to bring home a smorgasbord of silverware, unlike their much more ballyhooed rivals. Toby Keith, if his lyrics are any indication, likely didn't bring home too many prom king sashes (the high school equivalent of silverware).
After Monday's unexpected triumph, Everton supporters rightfully turned to their high-spending rivals throughout England and said, "What now, bros?"
Newcastle: Eminem's "Without Me"
Love 'em or hate 'em, life in the English Premier League is that much more interesting with Newcastle in the mix.
Relegated as recently as 2009, the once-proud club is back in the top flight and making things interesting at the top.
Tottenham Hotspur: Sleigh Bells' "Born to Lose"
Luck really hasn't been on Tottenham's side of late.
Just ask an Arsenal supporter what St. Totteringham's Day means.
Even after the Spurs finished the Premier League campaign in a respectable fourth place over high-spending London rivals Chelsea, Chelsea went on and won the Champions League. They ousted Tottenham from the lucrative European competition when 99 percent of the time a fourth-place finish leads to a spot in Europe's most prestigious club competition.
To top it all off, in spite of recent success, mercurial, yet brilliant midfielder Luka Modric finally appears bound to leave North London for Spanish giants Real Madrid.
What can go wrong, will go wrong?
Seems like an apt mantra to adopt at White Hart Lane.
Arsenal: Justice's "Stress"
I get it! Justice are French bros! Arsene Wenger is French and loves signing French bros! Viva la France!
Sort of, but not entirely.
Yes, Arsenal are considered the French side in an English league: Wenger, Bacary Sagna, Olivier Giroud, Laurent Koscielny, Yann M'Vila (potentially...hopefully), etc.
But "stress" is an ample word to try to get inside the heads of fickle, impatient and stressed out Arsenal supporters worldwide. For a team rife with history, going seven years sans silverware has put a faithful fanbase on edge.
Add Justice's seizure-inducing riffs on "Stress" and you get insight into the strange, dark and twisted minds of those who dare to stay with a team that has developed a habit of being jilted by their lovers (or captains, whatever) with great regularity.
Manchester United: "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"
In Sir Alex, they trust.
If you don't support Manchester United, you absolutely despise Sir Alex Ferguson.
If you do support 'em, well...Bless. That. Man.
Seriously, Ferguson and United were a Sergio Aguero-miracle, last-ditch goal away from capturing the Premier League last year.
So what did the Scot do?
He grabbed prolific Japanese winger Shinji Kagawa from Bundesliga-winning Borussia Dortmund. Oh, and then he stole his worst enemy's girlfriend (or captain, whatever) from his grip for good measure.
You're a mean one, Mr. Ferguson.
Manchester City: Nelly's "No. 1"
In 2002, Nelly emphatically asked the world, "What does it take to be No. 1?"
Ten years later, Roberto Mancini and Manchester City answered that question with an exclamation point: oil money...and Sergio Aguero!
Life is good on the blue side of Manchester.
Chelsea: Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"
In what most considered for Chelsea a "rebuilding year," all the West London giants did was win the FA Cup and the Champions League. "NBD," is what they say on the interwebs.
While Chelsea labored in its domestic schedule under the since-departed André Villas-Boas, the Blues flourished under current manager Roberto Di Matteo and rode the momentum to triumphs in the aforementioned cups.
So far, Hazard has looked every bit worth all the fuss in sparking Chelsea to 2-0 and 4-2 victories over Wigan and Reading, respectively.
When things go right, get better—it's the Roman Abramovich way. Be afraid.