If any of you have a cigarette, please pass it to GOLTV's Ray Hudson who could use it after he witnessed Cristiano Ronaldo's magnificence on Wednesday.
The Real Madrid star was in fine form and so was the man who was calling the game, Ray Hudson. He couldn't help himself after a free kick ended with an epic goal for Los Blancos.
Before the day was out, we would find how to push every last one of Hudson's buttons. Here is the first video that errs on the side of TMI, but nobody should care because it's hilarious.
That is when Hudson broke into a description that did not leave much to the imagination. He even managed to evoke a visual that, try as I might, I will never be able to beat out of my head.
This has got more curves than Jessica Rabbit on steroids.
Ronaldo would then get his second of three goals on the day, and it far trumped his first effort.
Again, Hudson was off and running with his exuberant description. All we can do is sit back and marvel at two men who do what they do ridiculously well.
Which is better?
The second goal manages to do something that I never thought possible: render Hudson speechless. Granted, the moment was brief and only added to the overall presentation, but he was quiet for two seconds nonetheless.
He sees the target and again the dynamic is...well, you pick it out, because I've used it all up.
Indeed, you have, and it has been marvelous. You had me at, "it's got more ups and downs than Space Mountain."
It's a photo finish as to whether the fabulous goals or over-the-top commentating were more fun to enjoy. I may have to take a few more looks to find that out.
Real Madrid would go on to beat Atletico Madrid handily, 4-1.