Top 50 College Football Coaches' Best Backup Jobs

Let’s be realistic: College football coaches live, eat and breathe college football, sometimes to a fault. If they weren’t fully dedicated to their jobs, they wouldn’t be among the 120 elite members that can call themselves FBS head football coaches. Coaching is in their DNA; they don’t know how to do anything else, and they don’t want to do anything else.

But what if the impossibly absurd occurred and college football ceased to exist? Saturday would lose any value it had as a day, and coaches would join 10 percent of Americans in the unemployment line as they looked for work.

What would be good backup jobs for these men? What characteristics and traits do they carry that would serve them well in another field?

Read on and enjoy!

50. Todd Graham

Backup Job: The guy who shows up at your doorstep and tries to sell you a vacuum cleaner

Why: Graham has become notorious for selling programs on an attitude, philosophy or overriding feeling but then fleeing before the plan is seen through.

Just like the salesman, you can buy what he's selling—just don't expect to see him ever again.

49. Mark Hudspeth

Backup Job: Voodoo priest

Why: In Hudspeth's first year as an FBS coach he led Louisiana-Lafayette to a bowl game,its first in 41 seasons. On top of it all, the Cajuns outplayed San Diego State in front of a biased Lafayette crowd in the New Orleans Bowl. What other explanation could there be for all this success?

48. Tim Beckman

Backup Job: NASA engineer

Why: This pun would have been a bit more clever had Beckman still been the head coach of the Toledo Rockets, but he has since been hired as coach of Illinois. Still, his offense is explosive, as the Rockets finished eighth in the nation in scoring and 14th in rushing. Liftoff!

47. Larry Blakeney

Backup Job: Architect

Why: Despite looking exactly like Joe Don Baker from Fletch, Blakeney best fits the attributes of an architect for his work at Troy.

Blakeney has been at Troy for 20 seasons and has seen it go from D-II to I-AA, from I-A independent to member of the Sun Belt and then to perennial Sun Belt champion. Up until this year, Troy had won or shared five straight conference titles. The field has since been named after Blakeney.

46. Bo Pelini

Backup Job: Laundromat owner

Why: This way he will always be able to wash his grey sweatshirt, which is one of approximately two articles of clothing he owns/wears.

45. Butch Jones

Backup Job: Professional seat-filler

Why: At Hollywood events, to give the illusion that crowds are always full, they hire sit-ins to fill seats and to sit where seats open up for people taking a break, going to the bathroom, getting something to eat, etc.

This would be fitting for Jones, who has twice replaced Brian Kelly. First, in 2007, Jones took over at Western Michigan when Kelly left for Cincinnati. Then, in 2010, Jones replaced Kelly when the latter took over at Notre Dame. Jones has done a great job at both places.

44. Jimbo Fisher

Backup Job: The Surreal Life cast member

Why: I wish Jimbo Fisher the best and hope that he has success at Florida State. I hate to say it, though, but Fisher's career is starting to resemble that of a child actor.

Fisher is very talented and was a good offensive coordinator at FSU. He was then thrust into the spotlight, somewhat against his wishes, with the firing of Bobby Bowden. While he thought he wanted the head coaching job, he didn't want it the way he got it, and he now has to live with all the inherent pressures that go with not only coaching at a big-name program like Florida State, but also replacing a Hall of Fame coach.

I'd imagine that the leash is unfairly short when it comes to Fisher. FSU figures to be a Top 10 team in the preseason again next year, and another disappointing season could find him on the hot seat. It's only a matter of time before he's on The Surreal Life.

43. Mario Cristobal

Backup Job: Tony Montana's right-hand man

Why: I don't know if it's the slick-backed hair, the snazzy outfits, the Miami origins or just the fact that he looks like Tony Montana's right-hand man Manny, but Mario Cristobal just screams Scarface. Luckily he chose the path that he did, because he's turning out to be one of the better young coaches in the game.

42. Sonny Dykes

Backup Job: Infomercial entrepreneur

Why: He's halfway there already. Dykes has a four-DVD series of offensive tutorials: Screen Passing Games, Quick Game, Play Action Passing System and Passing Attack.

Forget the hypothetical of college football shutting down...why isn't there an infomercial for these now? I'd pay just to see the infomercial of Dykes trying to sell these at 1 A.M. with the stereotypical blonde female assistant.

Assistant: "Wow, I never knew how easy it was to implement play-action passing!"

Dykes: "That's right Suzie, and if you call now, I'm going to throw in 'Principles of the Spread Offense' for free."

41. Hugh Freeze

Backup Job: Supervillain

Why: I mean, outside of football, he does introduce himself as "Mr. Freeze," right?

40. Larry Fedora

Backup Job: Hat salesman

Why: Come on—you wouldn't shop at "Fedora's Fedoras"?

39. David Shaw

Backup Job: College professor

Why: Shaw is one of the more soft-spoken coaches in the nation, but don't let his personality fool you. Shaw is a good coach and is very intelligent, having attended Stanford and played under Bill Walsh. Shaw would then spend eight straight years coaching in the NFL before returning to college.

38. Charlie Strong

Backup Job: Crossing guard

Why: Louisville finished 89th in the nation in pass attempts this season. It finished 93rd in the nation in rushing offense.

Despite this, it split the Big East championship with West Virginia and Cincinnati. Why? Because it had the 14th-best scoring defense in the nation.

Slow the game down. Be conservative and play defense. Safety first! It isn't the most exciting thing in the world, but it is effective.

Note: Strong would be much bigger than any crossing guard any of us had in kindergarten.

37. Greg Schiano

Backup Job: Soprano crew member

Why: He's a resident of Jersey, and his name ends in a vowel. Those are pretty much the only requirements to join the "glorified crew" that is the Soprano crime family. Can't you see him hanging in the Bada Bing or with the Teamsters on the construction site?

36. Mike London

Backup Job: Philanthropist

Why: Mike London is a rising star in the coaching ranks, having led the Cavaliers to a third-place finish in the ACC and a berth in the Chick-fil-A Bowl.

London was a rumored candidate for many coaching vacancies, but his recent actions most likely show where his loyalty lies. London has given $225,000 out of pocket for a new athletic facility at the University of Virginia.

A classy move from London as he tries to build Virginia into a perennial power.

35. Kevin Sumlin

Backup Job: Pilot

Why: For his pass offense that led the league in yards and attempts. This guy loves to air it out.

34. Mark Richt

Backup Job: Richard Dawson

Why: Richt has been photographed numerous times laying a big one on his wife following a big win by the Dawgs. Nothing wrong with that, but Richt is probably No. 2 in all-time live kisses on national television. Richt: 10, Dawson: 1,294,492.

33. Steve Sarkisian

Backup Job: Paramedic

Why: Steve Sarkisian inherited an 0-12 Washington program that was all but dead under Tyrone Willingham. He has since taken the Huskies to back-to-back bowl games.

32. Paul Rhoads

Backup Job: Foreman

Why: Paul Rhoads is doing a great job at Iowa State, but no one seems to notice. He made two bowl games in the past three years, something Gene Chizik couldn't do once in two seasons. He'll continue to go and get the job done without much recognition or applause. Until he builds the Sistine Chapel (i.e., wins the Big 12), odds are he'll continue to be ignored.

31. Dana Holgorsen

Backup Job: Mad scientist

Why: Many would point to Dana Holgorsen's wily, out-of-control hair for a reason for this backup job, but I'm not going to go there.

Instead, I will say that he has been able to produce some very explosive offenses in years past, from Texas Tech to Houston and Oklahoma State and now West Virginia.

He's done very well for himself in football. If things don't work, don't be surprised if he ends up meeting you in a mall parking lot to show you a DeLorean he's been working on.

30. Brady Hoke

Backup Job: Fireman

Why: Brady Hoke was an unsexy hire by the Wolverines, but he came in and quickly put out the fire set by Rich Rodriguez. The bad years seem to be behind the Wolverines, as they are back in the BCS this season.

29. Lane Kiffin

Backup Job: Independent film screenwriter

Why: When you first hear Lane Kiffin talk, you hear short, staccato, sometimes cryptic answers. The more you listen to him, however, the more clever you realize he is, delivering dry, witty comments to the media, his players and interviewers on his weekly television show.

His humor isn't slapstick or raunchy and wouldn't be in a big Hollywood production such as The Hangover, but instead be something along the lines of a Wes Anderson production such as Rushmore. At first you don't know what you're watching, but you kinda like it. Then, upon further and further viewings, you like it more and more.

And what about the season Kiffin and the Trojans had this year? Does anything else typify a bittersweet, independent film production than the Trojans going 10-2, beating Oregon and winning the Pac-12 South, only to be held out of the Pac-12 title game and bowl games due to previously imposed sanctions? Not a Hollywood ending.

28. June Jones

Backup Job: Surgeon

Why: Jones' prolific passing attacks rely heavily on precision, just like surgeons. There's a fine line between greatness and failure, however. Greatness: the 2007 Hawaii team. Failure: this year's SMU team that turned the ball over 31 times.

Go see Jones for surgery if you're feeling lucky. He could be the miracle worker that pulls off the coronary bypass, but he could also mess up something as routine as wrist surgery.

27. Dabo Swinney

Backup Job: Celebrity roaster

Why: In what has to be the insult of the year, Dabo Swinney fired off criticism towards South Carolina by stating, "That's why Carolina's in Chapel Hill and USC's in California." Swinney's criticism of the rival school was funny, harsh and clever, just like any roaster.

26. James Franklin

Backup Job: Life coach

Why: Motivational speaker or life coach could be assigned to nearly all of the coaches on this list, but none more than James Franklin.

If you've read any of my other articles this season, you would know that this attached clip quickly became my favorite sound bite of the 2011 season. Not only was Franklin able to go in and have success at Vanderbilt, but he has completely changed the philosophy, attitude and expectations of Vanderbilt football.

This isn't a flash-in-the-pan, one-hit wonder type of change...we're talking massive overhaul here, just like a life coach would deliver.

There are a few coaches in the nation that I would like to play for. Oftentimes this is because of a system they run or the coaches' historical success, but I don't remember the last time I heard someone speak and felt inspired and fired up. I got this from Franklin. I would play for him any day of the week.

25. Mike Leach

Backup Job: Lawyer

Why: This is a pretty obvious choice, as Mike Leach earned his J.D. from Pepperdine in 1986. He used his legal skills to their fullest in defending himself from the erroneous accusations brought forward by Adam and Craig James.

Then, in his two-year hiatus, Leach penned a book, Swing Your Sword, which is a motivational book that also touches on the incident.

A more clever backup job would have been a pirate, given his fascination with everything regarding the subject. Still, why let that J.D. go to waste?

24. Jim Grobe

Backup Job: Magician

Why: He may already be this. How else do you explain the job he has done at Wake Forest, earning an Orange Bowl berth in 2006 and four bowl games in the past six years?

23. Paul Johnson

Backup Job: Buffet manager

Why: Johnson is known for his triple option offense. Just like a buffet, the more options the better.

22. Chip Kelly

Backup Job: IndyCar driver

Why: I'm somewhat surprised that Chip Kelly doesn't do this in his free time now. Given the coach's extremely uptempo style of play, I can't see him doing anything less than living life in the fast lane.

21. Gary Pinkel

Backup Job: Programmer

Why: I see Gary Pinkel as the characters who work at Initech in Office Space. They're very smart, very talented, but just haven't made it big quite yet.

I don't know what is holding Pinkel back, but he's done a good job of making Mizzou relevant and competing annually. Just like Michael, Samir and Peter from Office Space, chances are that Pinkel is usually one of the brightest minds in the room.

20. Art Briles

Backup Job: Plastic surgeon

Why: Art Briles has effectively changed the face of two programs, Houston and Baylor. The latter is especially impressive, as Baylor is in back-to-back bowl games for the first time in 19 years.

19. Mark Dantonio

Backup Job: Daytime TV judge

Why: Two years ago, MSU tied for the Big Ten title but lost the three-way tiebreaker. Instead of the Rose Bowl, it played in the Capital One Bowl. This year it won the regular-season title but then lost to Wisconsin in the Big Ten championship game in its first year of existence. Once again, MSU will be out of the Rose Bowl.

After two years of getting the short end of the law, Dantonio would love to be on the other end of the fence, handing out sentences rather than serving them. Daytime TV court shows offer up some loose interpretations of the law and arbitrary rulings, very similar to the BCS.

18. Kyle Whittingham

Backup Job: Psychiatrist

Why: The life of a psychiatrist has to be a hard one. Hour after hour, day after day of hearing people's problems when you yourself are a human and have feelings and pains of your own (which is why many psychiatrists see psychiatrists). Such feelings could lead psychiatrists to want to yell, "I hurt too!"

Kyle Whittingham would know this pain. There have been many BCS snubs over the years, but perhaps none more than the 2008 Utah Utes. Despite being the only undefeated team, Utah was ranked No. 6 going into the bowl games. Florida and Oklahoma played in the championship game despite each having one loss. Utah would destroy Alabama and finish No. 2 in the polls.

This isn't to say that the Utes should have been in the championship game, but it is to say that their season has gone overlooked. When we consider BCS snubs, we always think of Boise State and TCU, but the 2008 Utes team may have been the biggest snub. This would certainly lead someone to yell, "I hurt too!"

17. Gene Chizik

Backup Job: Gold prospector

Why: Gene Chizik went through a dry spell in Ames, going 5-19 in two seasons. Regardless, he was hired at Auburn, where he struck gold by signing Cam Newton from junior college Blinn College.

Newton would win the Heisman, and Auburn would win the national championship.

16. Kirk Ferentz

Backup Job: The next James Bond

Why: Call me crazy, but I always though Kirk Ferentz looked like Roger Moore. Regardless, I can see Ferentz matching wits in backgammon or participating in a Sotheby's auction to thwart some supervillain.

15. Bret Bielema

Backup Job: Proprietor of Gold's Gym

Why: Bielema is pretty well built himself, but he gets this distinction for his always stocky Wisconsin Badgers teams. This year, each offensive lineman easily weighs in at over 300 pounds, and rushers are averaging 5.48 yards per carry behind them.

Bielema and strength and conditioning coach Ben Herbert could easily own and run a Gold's Gym.

14. George O'Leary

Backup Job: Day trader

Why: George O'Leary has already dealt with the highest highs and the lowest lows. After being fired before coaching one game at Notre Dame for lying on his résumé, O'Leary took a job at UCF. There, he has alternated winning and losing seasons from 2005-2009 and has once again suffered a losing season following a C-USA championship and Liberty Bowl victory. He's used to massive swings.

13. Mack Brown

Backup Job: Oil tycoon

Why: Being in Texas, he strikes oil every single year with his recruiting class. His incoming class is currently ranked No. 1 by ESPN.

What you do with your oil is your business. Sometimes it turns into Vince Young; sometimes you go hysterical like James Dean did when he found oil in Giant, thinking his riches would get him Elizabeth Taylor from Rock Hudson.

12. Frank Solich

Backup Job: The overqualified public school teacher

Why: You know the one overqualified teacher that works at a public school despite having a couple of Master's degrees or even a doctorate, yet he has to deal with some 16-year-old who refuses to take his hat off in class? That's Frank Solich. His classes are fun and you learn a lot, but you're always wondering why he's there (not unlike Walter White in Breaking Bad).

Solich was already at the top, guiding Nebraska to the national championship game in 2001. Now, he is dominating at Ohio, turning the program around. It won't be long until he gets a call from another school.

11. Bob Stoops

Backup Job: Host of "The Stoops Brothers Comedy Hour"

Why: In the same vein as the Smothers Brothers, the Stoops do everything together. Mike was defensive coordinator at Oklahoma under Bob. Then, when Mike took over at Arizona, Mark served as defensive coordinator for him before moving on to FSU. Now, since Mike has been fired from Arizona, it is rumored that he will return to Oklahoma to work with his brother once again.

The three of them probably can put on one heck of a variety hour.

10. Chris Ault

Backup Job: Inventor/CEO

Why: Chris Ault is credited with inventing the pistol formation, which has since caught on at nearly every program across the nation.

Now if only he had a dollar for every play run out of the pistol—this would rank him on the top of the list with other inventors/CEOs such as Bill Gates, Larry Ellison and Steve Jobs.

9. Bill Snyder

Backup Job: Dr. Frankenstein

Why: Snyder singlehandedly built the Kansas State football program. Then, after some time apart, Snyder rediscovered his creation. Close to being the story of Prometheus Bound, but not quite. Now, Kansas State would need to revolt and kill Snyder, effectively teaching Snyder the risks and punishments of playing God. Probably won't happen, so this is close enough.

8. Frank Beamer

Backup Job: Special events coordinator

Why: Frank Beamer's teams have always excelled on special teams, earning the moniker "Beamer Ball." Special teams may go overlooked by many, but it really is one-third of the game. Special events take place less often than normal, everyday events but are very important when they do take place (hence "special"). Who else would you want in charge?

7. Mike Gundy

Backup Job: FBI agent

Why: Mike Gundy always figures things out and gets his team achieving at the highest level. The Cowboys have won 10 games in back-to-back seasons despite being predicted to finish last in the Big 12 South.

In Oklahoma State's first big win in recent years, Gundy led the Cowboys to a 28-23 win at No. 3 Missouri. Gundy could be seen on the sidelines, ignoring the defensive side of the ball, drawing up plays for the offense. It was reminiscent of the renegade FBI agent who doesn't take orders from his superiors but figures out the case four seconds after arriving at a crime scene.

6. Urban Meyer

Backup Job: Traveling salesman

Why: It gets overlooked because he has had such success, but Meyer has had four different head coaching stints in the past 10 years. He's lived in Ohio, Utah, Florida and now Ohio again. He's good at what he does, which is why they always send him out on the road.

5. Steve Spurrier

Backup Job: Game show host

Why: Steve Spurrier has displayed energy and enthusiasm for over 20 seasons now. In addition to this, he doesn't seemed to have aged at all and has a perfectly styled haircut for the job.

All I'm saying is, if you had a "which of these does not belong" and I showed you photos of Pat Sajak, Bob Eubanks, Richard Dawson and Spurrier, I don't think the choice is that obvious.

4. Chris Petersen

Backup Job: Nurse

Why: All of the work and knowledge, none of the glory. Such is the life of a nurse, who despite being knowledgeable, hard-working and very helpful does not receive the same glory as doctors.

Such is the life of Chris Petersen, who despite winning 10 or more games in each of his six seasons as a head coach does not get the credit that BCS coaches do.

3. Gary Patterson

Backup Job: Personal assistant for A-list celebrity

Why: Personal assistants are miracle workers, ensuring everything goes right at all times. On top of all that, it is probably the most thankless job in the entire world.

Enter Gary Patterson. Odds are that people would give a vote of confidence to Patterson, but he isn't the first coach that comes to mind when compiling a list of great coaches. All he does is win and get the job done, however.

2. Les Miles

Backup Job: Cymbal player

Why: For his high-energy claps in which his fingers don't even touch, Miles would be an excellent cymbal or tambourine player in a jam band such as the Grateful Dead.

1. Nick Saban

Backup Job: President

Why: Does this sound familiar? "I'm not going to be the Alabama coach."

Nick Saban would abruptly resign after the 1999 regular season at Michigan State. He accepted a job at LSU and let his players play by themselves in the Citrus Bowl. After the 2004 season at LSU, Saban left for the Dolphins.

After a brief stint in the NFL, Saban was rumored to be the Alabama coach. He made it pretty clear that he wouldn't take the job, but sure enough, here he is, still coaching at Alabama.

The only people who change their minds, flip-flop on important decisions and use previous jobs as springboards to better jobs more often than Saban? Politicians. Since Saban is so good at it and has reached the pinnacle, he may as well be President of the United States by now.