World Series: 7 Ways the Texas Rangers Can Cook the Rally Squirrel, Literally

Dan LevyOct 18, 2011

Have you ever read The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin by Beatrix Potter? The long and short of it is basically that Squirrel Nutkin is a jerk and antagonizes an owl named Mr. Brown until the old bird snaps and tries to eat Nutkin. The story ends with the little rodent losing half of his tail as it snaps off in the owl's beak, allowing him to wriggle free and escape from being devoured.

The moral of the story is that being rude and goofing off will get you nowhere while being respectful and working hard will give you a bounty of delicious nuts…or other delectable treats, depending on what type of animal you are, I suppose.

But the story has a secondary narrative, too. Some readers feel the underlying theme is that you always have to have a little fun in life, as Nutkin does throughout the tale; just don't take it too far or you might lose what's important to you. Me? I don't see it that way. No, no. To me, I look at squirrels differently. Sure, they're fun to watch frolicking in the yard and chasing each other up a tree, but they're all just biding their time until the little slippery bastards can leap onto your head. Have you ever had a squirrel jump on you? I have. It's oddly frightening.

Now I'm not saying I hope all squirrels die. They're obviously part of nature's balance. If it weren't for the squirrels, the ground would be even more riddled with acorns than it already is. I actually kinda like squirrels. But then one of those little Nutkin wannabes had to go and run onto the field during the National League Division Series between the Phillies and Cardinals.

Sure, it was cute the first time, but the second time the rodent got a little too close to the action. The third time—before Game 5 in Philadelphia—we had an epidemic. The Rally Squirrel went from being a fun joke among Cardinals fans and talk radio hosts to something THE TEAM IS ACTUALLY PRINTING ON T-SHIRTS DURING THE PLAYOFFS.

This is out of control, and it's up to the Texas Rangers to cook that squirrel for good. Let's not make this into another Squirrel Nutkin situation, Rangers fans. This Rally Squirrel has survived for too long and you can't let the dang varmint wriggle away again.

So to help Rangers fans in this important endeavor, here are seven tasty ways to make sure that squirrel gets cooked. Literally! (Fun Fact: if you Google Squirrel Recipes you get a return of over seven million entries. Yummy.)

1. Bacon Wrapped Squirrel

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The website ScarySquirrel.org has a page for recipes, written with what I assume is ironic spelling and grammar mistakes. I assume. Anyway, they have this Bacon Wrapped Squirrel recipe that's great to start off the list:

"
Bacon Wrapped Squirrel

• squirrel legs, front or rear, hell, both, amount depends upon how hungry you be or how many cousins you got

• cheap-ass beer if'n you kin afford it, otherwise some grain alcohol mixed with Mr. Pibb will do.

• garlic powder (or a pinch of gun powder)

• salt-n-pepper (an' none of that hippie sea salt neither—get the real thang)

• hickory smoked bacon

Soak the legs in beer or elixir for two-to-three hours. Remove squirrel and set aside, drain beer into a boot and drink. Sprinkle to taste with garlic powder, pepper, salt and the minced onion (did I firgit to mention the minced onion—my bad). Wrap each leg with bacon. Secure with toothpicks if necessary and it mostly is. Place on hot grill. Cook over medium heat until cooked through. Serve with your favorite sides.
"

2. BBQ Squirrel

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This next delight comes from BowHunting.net, which has a host of squirrel-based dishes.

"
BBQ Squirrel

1st. Take as many squirrels as you would like add salt and pepper. 2nd. Put squirrels on grill, bbq whatever let cook for a while, then add some liquid smoke or soy sauce on top and around squirrels. 3rd. When the squirrels are almost done cooking smear BBQ sauce all over the squirrels and let cook until done...( you can use any BBQ sauce you would like or you can try my very own recipe.)
"

This recipe was created by someone named Keeley Perry. You really should click the link to get the sauce.

3. Bushytail with Autumn Apples

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Next is a dish from BackWoodsBound.com called Bushytail with Autumn Apples. It actually sounds pretty tasty.

"
~ 4 squirrels, cut into serving pieces
~ flour
~ 1 tbsp cinnamon
~ canola oil
~ 2 large Granny Smith apples or 4 medium Macintosh
~ 1 bag baby carrots
~ 2 - 3 bay leaves
~ 4 cups apple cider
~ 2 tbsp corn starch
~ 3 tbsp water

Mix the flour and cinnamon together in bag.

Heat the oil in a large skillet.

Shake the squirrel pieces in the flour.

Place meat in the hot oil and cook over medium heat until browned all over.

While meat is cooking, peel, core and slice the apples.

When meat is done, place in a casserole dish.

Layer on the apples and carrots. Add the bay leaves.

Pour in the cider. Cover with foil or lid and bake for 2 hours at 350 degrees.

Remove the apples, carrots and squirrel to a serving platter. Remove bay leaves. Pour sauce over the top of meat.

If thicker sauce is desired, mix the corn starch and water together. Stir into the sauce and stir until thick.

Serve and enjoy with pumpkin pie for dessert.
"

Pumpkin pie is an inspired choice. Apple pie would be overkill.

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4. Squirrel Gumbo

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Having a party and need to feed 15-20 people? Well, WoodyBobs.com offers a bunch of free recipes—in addition to their 40-page squirrel cookbook—for you to feed a slew of hungry folk.

"
Squirrel Gumbo

Ingredients:

3 (up to) 4 Squirrels; cleaned
1 Chicken
1 1/2 (up to) 2 c Bell pepper; chopped
1 1/2 (up to) 2 c Celery; chopped
1 qt Stewed tomatoes
1 cn (small) tomato sauce
2 c Canned okra
2 (up to) 3 tb Creole gumbo file; or to taste
3/4 c Dark roux

Directions:

Pressure cook and debone squirrels and chicken. Save the broth. To boiling broth, add bell pepper, celery, onion, tomatoes and tomato sauce. Make roux (using oil and flour in equal parts, in a heavy skillet brown roux) and add to the above mixture, stirring until well blended. Cook until vegetables are tender. Add meat and okra. Season to taste. You may also want to add hot sauce to taste. Simmer for 15 minutes. Just before serving or when serving, add file to taste. Serve over rice.

Servings: 15-20
"

Tastes just like chicken!

5. Slow Cooked Squirrel

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Have you ever killed a squirrel in the morning and not had time before work to stand over a hot stove or grill? Well, AllRecipes.com—a real legit recipe website—has a suggestion for Slow Cooked Squirrel. It cooks while you work!

"
Ingredients

2 squirrels - skinned, gutted, and cut into pieces
4 large potatoes, quartered
1 pound carrots, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
4 onions, sliced
2 cups water
1/4 medium head cabbage
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
"

Let's be honest, it's a slow cooker. The directions are "throw everything into a pot and leave for eight hours."

6. Pork Rind-Crusted Fried Squirrel with Molasses Red-Eye Gravy

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This next recipe is from FieldandStream.com and comes via John Currence who is a James Beard Award-winning chef in Mississippi. Fine dining squirrel! We'll post some of the recipe here, but really go click that link to check this out.

"
4 young squirrels, dressed and quartered
1 yellow onion, roughly chopped
> 2 stalks celery, roughly chopped
2 carrots, roughly chopped
6 cloves garlic, peeled
1 gallon water
1 cup apple cider vinegar
1-1/2 cups lard
1-1/2 cups peanut or vegetable oil
3 cups all-purpose flour seasoned with salt, black pepper, paprika, onion powder, and garlic powder
2 cups pork rind powder (see recipe headnote)
2 cups milk
3 eggs, lightly beaten
3/4 tablespoon freshly cracked black pepper
Salt, cayenne powder, and Tabasco, to taste

1. Generously season the squirrel pieces with salt, pepper, and cayenne; allow to sit for 2 hours.

2. Bring water, cider vinegar, onion, celery, carrot, and garlic to a boil, then boil for 15 minutes. Add the squirrel pieces and simmer for 12 to 15 minutes, until the meat is cooked through but not falling apart. Remove the meat. Drain the vegetables in a colander and discard them.
"

The article indicates this recipe was originally for chicken, but worked better with more flavorful meat like squirrel. It doesn't taste like chicken...it's more flavorful than chicken!

7. Squirrel with Black-Eyed Peas

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Last, of the seven million choices, I went with this from JustGameRecipes.com. Why? Because it kills two birds...er squirrels and other nuisances...with one dish.

"
Four medium-size squirrels, drawn, skinned, and cleaned
1/2 lb Black-eyed peas
3 md Onions
2 sm Carrots
1/2 pk Frozen sweet peas
1/4 lb Smoked link sausage
Flour
Bacon fat or lard
Salt and pepper
1 c Chicken broth
For the slow cooker: serves two

Put the squirrels into salted water and hold overnight in the refrigerator; the next day, rinse and pat dry.

Bring 4-6 cups of water to vigorous boil in a large saucepan, then add the black-eyed peas to it. Boil furiously for 2 minutes, then remove from the heat and cover; hold 15 minutes and drain. Quarter the squirrels, and dredge with flour. Saute' in a skillet in hot bacon fat or lard until golden brown, then drain on a paper towel and place in a crock-pot. Chop the onions coarsely, and saute' in bacon fat and pan drippings until translucent, and add to the pot. Cut the carrots into 3/4" lengths, and the sausage into 1/8" disks, then add them along with the frozen peas and the cooked blackeyed peas. Salt and pepper to taste and stir gently; add the chicken broth and cook in the crock-pot for 8 hours on low setting, or until the meat is almost falling off the bones. For a different flavor, you can substitute lentils or navy beans for the black-eyed peas.
"

We can get rid of the Rally Squirrel AND the Black Eyed Peas at one time? My mouth is actually watering.