The Sad Sack 7: The Miami Dolphins and the NFL's Worst Teams

By the eyeshot shade of Bugsy Siegel, Tommy DeVito is peddling Snickers bars between seemingly endless Sunday football television timeouts.

How far the mob, or at least mob movie stars, have fallen.

Would George Raft have pushed Hershey bars at halftime?

Depends on the dollars I suppose, and old debauched Raft likely would have jumped to join Dancing With the Stars, so Joe Pesci gets a pass for his Snickers slots.

After all, it's been a long time since he's been beaten to death in an Indiana cornfield or shot behind the ear at a mafia swearing-in ceremony.

So long in fact that the Buffalo Bills, who began a long hibernation just about the time Pesci was being baseball-batted by Frank Vincent, are back. 

1. Miami Dolphins (0-3)

The Booty Bus, the mobile stripper mobile that has been attending Lions games in Motown, is being driven out of town. 

And the Booty Bus might take the Lions' luck along with them.

Miami ought to make a bid on the Booty Bus—it would be their best free-agent move in years, and get co-owner J Lo shaking that moneymaker.

The Dolphins do need something to make their games interesting and J Lo is already dancing on cars during commercials.

2. Minnesota Vikings (0-3)

The Viking coaches have not been able to figure out much or make many in-game adjustments but they have been magnificent in bottling up Adrian Peterson in the second half of close contests. 

Maybe the Vikings ought to play the Minnesota Golden Gophers to find out who is the worst team in the state.

3. Football in Missouri (0-6)

Being steamrolled by the Ravens ended any dreams the Rams have of being viewed as a competent team.

Still, to win the weak NFC 5-11 just might be fine enough.

Kansas City had a chance to beat the Chargers but managed to mangle their shot at whacking panic-prone Norv Turner through a horrible last-minute interception. 

And that play seems to define the Chiefs' season.

4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2)

The Dream Team has a scrambling super quarterback whining about being picked on and an offensive line that dislikes blocking.

The dream defense can not stop the run or the pass or even tackle. Somewhere Bill Bergey and Chuck Bednarik must be moaning. 

The Eagles' $100 million defensive back got torched by a free-agent wideout and missed two key tackles. The linebackers have versatility—they cannot cover the pass nor stop the run. 

It might be time to clip the Matthews mega mullet when a 270-pound running back beats you on a long pass with pure speed. 

Giant players say the Eagle fans were so angry after the loss that even thirsty eight-year-old kids were cursing and tossing perfectly good beer at the Giants bus as they left the parking lot.

Stay sunny in Philadelphia, kids. 

5. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2)

After last week's attendance being barely above 40,000 bored fans, the Bengals are hoping to get it down to a more manageable 25,000 including players, coaches and folks waiting for their postgame Bengal weed bargain.

Maybe the Bengals can buy the Booty Bus and Pac Man can make it rain again.

Of course, most of the Bengals would eventually be arrested on The Booty Bus. 

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)

Twenty-nine points in three games—now that's Happy Jack Del Rio ball.

It averages around 400 bucks to take a family of four to see the Jags put up 9.6 points a game.

Thrilling, no?

7. Chicago Bears (1-2)

The Jerry Angelo experiment of playing a season sans an offensive line is working quite well.

Jay Cutler ought to complain to Jerry, not the referees, about the pounding he is taking. Jerry, after all, developed the offensive line that cannot pass-block but allows Lovie Smith to come off the bus running albeit at only .4 yards a carry.

At least the Bear fans have another decade of being whipped by a superior Packer team, organization, coach and quarterback to look forward to.  

How can one team develop talent, quarterbacks and coaching consistently over 25 years and yet another be so consistently mediocre?

Maybe it has something to do with an over-abundance of McCaskeys.

And no Booty Bus for the Bears because the McCaskey's even eliminated the Honey Bears, the Bears' comely cheerleaders, along with Willie Gault, Wilbur Marshall and Otis Wilson, in cost-cutting moves shortly after winning the 1986 Super Bowl.    

Season Cancelled Due to Injury: Indianapolis Colts (0-4)

Sorry folks, tickets are sadly still full price.

Question of the Week

Who has a worse defense, the Patriots or the Red Sox?

NFL Hall of Fame or Hall of the Very Strange

How does the NFL have four officials nominated for the Hall and not two old Oakland Raiders, Kenny Stabler and Lester Hayes?

Drew Bledsoe is nominated and not Stabler or Kenny Anderson?

Why does Joe Klecko have to go against Bud Adams?

Do Dexter Manley, Dave Butz, Joe Jacoby and Charles Mann really have to face off with Jack Kent Cooke?

Redskins fans can't complain about Cooke, especially with their current meddlesome mess in the owners box, but Cooke was a billionaire who bought the Redskins as a toy much like his semi-insane South American girlfriends. 

Still, if another owner must go in anyone is better than the vagabonds Adams and Modell. 

Though it would be nice to see Bud Adams flipping the fans the bird at the induction ceremony.   

Hall of Fames are strange.

Donna Summer and the Beastie Boys get nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Warren Zevon does not.

Whiners of the Week

Constantly complaining quarterbacks ought to watch game films from eras when signal-callers were not cuddled.

Mike Vick ought to check out Joe Namath against the vicious Chiefs or Raiders or watch Y.A. Tittle battle the Bears.

Jay Cutler should watch the brutal 1984 Raiders-Bears game where every Raider signal-caller was maimed, Marc Wilson twice, and Jim McMahon's kidney lacerated by a spearing Raider.

Tell Tony Romo to tune in to the old Pittsburgh Steelers to see the beatings Terry Bradshaw took to put him in the state he is in today. 

Slimeball of the Week

Is it so shocking that Walter Payton used painkillers, had a girlfriend and was depressed when he retired that some creepy sportswriter can babble about it and make money?

Doesn't Sports Illustrated have anything better to investigate? 

Though Payton's apparent fondness for laughing gas at training camp brings up a few chilling scenarios.

Did Da Coach, Ditka, imbibe? 

One can picture Ditka drunk on a lot of things—bourbon, scotch, Iron City Beer, cigars, pain pills, power, NFL-issued uppers, blackjack or constantly unsuccessful draws on 3rd-and-13—but the thought of Ditka on laughing gas is rather frightening. 

Did Ditka dance about giggling like a Grateful Dead dancing Bear?