The Grand Tour's All-Americans, and a Few Atrocities

Hello fellow patriots, and even you addicts. I hope you all had as fun of a holiday weekend as I did.

Virginia Beach was The Grand Tour's weekend destination and the location of my cousin's marriage. Right next to the ocean, in fact. The morning of the Fourth provided a sweltering service, but that was the maximum stress endured on the trip.

The wedding was great. Mazel Tov to Ashley and Adam Lawrence. You guys are destined for a life full of love, NASCAR, Miller Lite and Redskins football.

The weekend also included moonshine, corn hole, too much meat, inebriated (therefore hilarious) relatives, Waffle House and more. I myself ate like a king and was pampered like a prince.

It was just how I like my holidays, brought to me. But enough of my nostalgic endeavors, I'm sure I missed out on some other patriotism and partying.

The Fourth of July is of personal importance to me. Despite all of our pride, even the best of us slip up and take our fortunes for granted. No matter where you come from, you wouldn't be here without our Founding Fathers, our troops and our independence.

They provided us Americans with so much. Our freedom, our rights—and baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet.

These are all things embedded in our red, white and blue DNA. A big example of American pride. All-American pride.

Just like Rudy Fernandez passing up a huge offer to star in Spain. With a deal prepared to name Fernandez the highest-paid player in the Spanish ACB league, Fernandez spurned Real Madrid for the world champion 'Murican Mavs.

Just another message sent to all other countries: We're better than you. I'm sure it was hard turning down a cool $26 million, but Fernandez wisely decided for Mark Cuban's kickbacks and Texas', um, charm. Git 'er done, Rudy. 

I still can hear the chants echoing in from Coney Island. The Joey Chestnut celebrations are now Pepto Bismol pink on the party scale. Sixty-two dogs downed by the reigning champ. So there was no record broken—officially.

I did not see Takeru Kobayashi's stunt and I don't care. If he really did eat 69 hot dogs within the appropriate time span (68 being the record), more power to the little guy. It's funny because he used to be our hero, but then he went Harvey Dent and showed his ugly side. He hasn't gotten his way in a while, so he'll have to pout some more as his pathetic rooftop chow down will be ignored and mocked.

No MLE contract, no storming the stage and no record.

I myself was pulling for Patrick "Deep Dish" Bertoletti. Italians live to eat. I even think I saw a few offensive linemen in the pack, too. Oh, and props to Sonya Thomas. I may give women a hard time, but any girl who can scarf down hot dogs is a friend of mine. 

Derek Jeter, The Captain, is now just four hits away from joining the 3,000 Club. He may be on the decline of his playing career, but he's still climbing towards Cooperstown with each and every hit. You may be a Wolverine and a Yankee, but you're a foundation point of the national pastime. Your next round's on Nick Swisher. 

In a stretch where Reds fans are beleaguered with the sight of tee-ball production, they can feel proud that the trio is heading to the All-Star Game. Jay Bruce, Joey Votto and especially @DatDudeBP should put on a show. It's a shame that none of them are in the Derby.

Maybe if this skid wasn't occurring, Prince Fielder would put down the bear claws and choose a Redleg. Have faith, Cincinnati! 

It may be summer, but there is still some decent cable television. And no, I'm not talking about Pretty Little Liars. Check out Franklin & Bash, Suits or Burn Notice. Just a few of the shows introduced to me through my hours of couch-potato practice. 

While kicking back in the hotel room this weekend, I enjoyed the ultra-television perk that is HBO. Seriously, it has produced some of the greatest television this world has seen.

The Wire, Entourage, The Sopranos, Deadwood and Sex in the City (don't look at me): A starting five that no other channel could compete with. And to carry on their tradition, we now have Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Treme, Curb Your Enthusiasm and True Blood.

It's too bad that my cable package doesn't include HBO. In fact, it's an atrocity.

You know what else is an atrocity? Lights Out not continuing for a second season. I'm sure I'll write more about this another time, because right now none of you probably know the show. But it was great. Too bad FX didn't realize it. 

The cinema industry must be struggling. Why else would we have a film titled Cowboys vs. Aliens? That is as random as it is pathetic. Seriously, this movie isn't even worth a reason to hang out with friends. You're better than that, Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig. 

And let's not forget the crimes committed in sports. Oregon may be joining Ohio State and USC in the holding cell. At least, they should, if all the evidence is considered.

The biggest atrocity of all is Tot Mom, but that is something too disgusting for The Grand Tour.

Hey, it's summer, fresh off the Fourth. We need to end on a good note. So check out this story on a contest winner giving back to his competitors. It just goes to show that the spirit behind America can be found in even troubled places such as Compton.

America has strong morals that it stands on. Despite some iffy parts, the USA is too great for any other country to exceed it. All the things I mentioned are as much a part of the country as I am. Even when I become famous I won't forget; the freedom, the rights, none of them.

Enjoy your lives as Americans, and don't be shy to boast it.