2011 NBA Draft Diary: Why Kyrie Irving Is Rolling in the Deep

The NBA Draft has it all. A new start for a lot of people. Over-analysis of almost every aspect of a basketball player. Random draftees jumping out of the crowd to scare/shock David Stern or, even better, Adam Silver. Newark. Jimmermania catching fire leading up to the draft. Mr. October potentially being picked in the first round. No basketball operations in eight days after gaining huge momentum with the Mavericks' title victory. It's so exciting I want to call Sacramento now and offer a strange trade.

The theme song of this year's draft is Rolling in the Deep by Adele, because we haven't heard that song enough recently. The music Gods quickly repossessed her voice.

In David Stern's intro, he says "Let's hear it for New Jersey". The mic cut out when he followed up with what I think was "As we move your team to Brooklyn next year and you have to pay even more tolls to follow your horrid Nets."

Providing expert analysis for ESPN is Jon Barry, Jay Bilas, Jeff Van Gundy and Stuart Scott. Jay Bilas starts out on fire with the quote "This year the no. 1 pick is different than in years past". I think his point was that the quality throughout the draft was down. I just got a vision of every year Patrick Ewing getting drafted no. 1.

Last year, I went with the Chris Berman nicknames, with much success in my own mind. I can't go back, so this year I will be referencing urban dictionary to replace crutch words with more contemporary, hip words.

Cleveland picked no. 1 and picked Kyrie Irving, who is probably the guy they wanted since they won the Draft Lottery. With such an emphasis through the league on big inside guys who can shoot (Randolph and Nowitzki) and point guards, Cleveland felt the point guard need was greater than Williams.

ESPN saved some money on the interview area this year, no seats, no 1940's phone, just an interview to the side of the stage. Heather Cox is also doing interviews at banquet tables, and they have her sitting down so she isn't taller than the no. 1 pick.

Minnesota has a dearth of small forwards at this point, so guess who they are going to pick. I love how Minnesota always has a lot of people at a position, and most of them aren't good.

Derrick Williams is 6'8" with a 7'1" wingspan, so watch out birds in the sky, he'll swat you to the side. Jay says he is very explosive, which according to Urban Dictionary means he ate some bad sushi. I wouldn't want to guard him either. I love the draft room shot of the people somewhat clapping except one guy who looked so put out that he just wants a pizza and to get away from David Kahn for a night.

Derrick Williams is also the early favorite in the Sean Elliott look-alike contest.

Utah picked third, and draft Enes Kanter. I like how the guy who didn't play for Kentucky gets drafted before the guy who did. Stuart says that Enes is not just tall, he's large. Does Breitbart do the scouting for this draft? We also get the very rare made in the USA highlights for the Turkish player. Enes wants to be a WWE wrestler (or I mean entertainer, will Vince fine me) which sounds great until he would be dressed up as some stereotypical Middle Eastern guy called Punjab Hussein.

Cleveland picked again, and they go international. Canada is international, although it's like five hours from Cleveland. They pick Tristan Thompson, who probably has a strong thick skin since he heard the chant "Girl's name" about 1000 times as a kid. Jay says that he has great feet. Jay went back to get his doctorate in Scholl's. Jay also said that he needs to learn how to play. That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement for the no. 4 pick in the draft.

Toronto picked no. 5 and to shock the world, they pick a Lithuanian. How a mock draft had anyone besides an international dude going to Toronto was insane. The grainy video quality has improved, although you can tell it's computer footage spread to high-def standards. Jonas obviously has issues with the language, understandably, but he said that he has "not so strong body". We're only five picks in and now the players are analyzing their weaknesses. According to urban dictionary, body means to murder someone. I hope Jonas doesn't think that website is Rosetta Stone's competitor.

These players are going to add a spark to their new teams, for a week, before the lockout. At least Cleveland seems genuinely enthusiastic about Irving.

Washington picked no. 6 and go for Jan Vesely, who throws down his playa card by laying down a pretty full kiss to what looked to be a very attractive blonde. Heather better sprint to their banquet table. Jan is called a freak athlete, which according to urban dictionary explains the kiss. He better hang on to her since he is headed to Washington, where ugly women legislate. Mark Jones asked Jan what he knows about the Washington Wizards, and Jan looked confused, since he looked at his hat and thought he was drafted by DC Cab. Jan and Mr T. would make a massive front court.

The Charlotte-Milwaukee-Sacramento trade is discussed, with about as much excitement as a trip to the post office brings. Three teams most people don't care about making a trade with players most people don't care about, you can't lock us out now. Sacramento is picking for Charlotte and they pick Bismack Biyombo. Bismack is from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, which I just like to call DROC. Bismack's wingspan, some people say (there's no way of knowing) is 7'7". If the lockout happens, he will be flying passengers from Charlotte to Greenville. At no. 7, he is allegedly 18, and can't score. The 2011 NBA Draft feels like the previews to the 2012 NBA Draft.

I don't know why it took so long. I just looked up wingspan. Good thing Jay and Fran don't cover the WNBA draft.

The Pistons selected Brandon Knight at no. 8 who, in the process, badly misreads the hand shake shoulder lean, and gives a weird half hug to an unwilling friend. Brandon is described as having good skills and having long arms. To be successful in Detroit, he needs to be a lot more arms.

Charlotte had two picks in this incredibly top okay draft, and took Kemba Walker. I'm sure a lot of people had Walker going to Detroit, but him and Ben Gordon couldn't be on the court at the same time because they would melt from a time travel Back to the Future type experience. I think Kemba can succeed in this league, but Charlotte's going to be a tough fit. He does tower over DJ Augustine.

Sacramento, in order to try to keep their franchise in Northern California, picked Jimmer Fredette, although I guess Milwaukee picked him planning for a trade. It would be wonderful if Milwaukee just pulled a Golden State and said screw it, we're keeping him. I can't imagine a backcourt of Fredette and Tyreke Evans will either defend anyone or pass up a shot on the court. Can we please get a Jimmer/DeMarcus Cousins reality show going?

Golden State went for Klay Thompson, who is the son of Mychal Thompson and is headed to Oakland. His past illegal drug issues are now legal. Klay has great length (the scouting Jay does for this draft is disturbing) and he's quick to pull the trigger. You can guess what urban dictionary says that means.

His mamma call him Klay, I'm gonna call him Klay.

Utah made their second pick, an angry one for sure, and picked Alec Burks. He's used to the altitude. He's got finishing ability and shake to his game. He's a scorer but not a good shooter. Alec won the best use of his school colors in a suit award. He looks like he has some good NBA skills and potential for a strong body, but is he the point Utah needs.

Phoenix traded their 1st round pick for a 2nd round pick. Just kidding, no team would ever do that. Oh wait.

The Suns selected Markieff Morris, who fits into the mold of the Suns loving to draft a twin. Markieff seals very well. I'm not even looking up the meanings at this point since I know what it would be.

This draft is so thrilling I just fast forwarded through 3 picks. Houston selected Marcus Morris, since they feared a run on Morris guys and they wanted to get the 2nd best one.

Indiana, the 1st playoff team who showed some life against Chicago, once again look like they have a clue, and pick Kawhi Leonard. At this point in the draft, pick a guy who can fit really well into a rotation. Last year Indiana picked Paul George, this year Leonard. They may play the same position, but both George and Leonard just have that NBA feel to them that a lot of other guys picked around or before have a better chance to get lost.

Nikola Vucevic is the first coming out of the crowd pick, picked by the Sixers. Good for him.

The Knicks fans are getting pumped up, which is good because I'm fast forwarding and the crowd in Newark seems dead. To keep the momentum going, the Knicks selected Iman Shumpert, and the race to the shuttles begins. Let's just say Knicks fans don't watch a lot of Georgia Tech basketball.

To bring life to the draft, Rachel Nichols is conducting her Knicks interviews in a tanning bed. I've never seen humans so orange. The Knicks logo in the background is less orange. I know Rachel doesn't have perfect complexion, but I don't think ESPN should light her like she's an Oompa Loompa. Lindsay Lohan is albino in comparison. I had to go out to the car and get my sunglasses. After this draft, Glen Grunwald has Iman Shumpert and will have skin cancer.

Since I can't focus anymore, and because teams are drafting backups for a league that might not play this year, I will provide highlights, after I put some eye drops in.

Miwaukee picked Tobias Harris, from Tennessee. More orange.

In typical draft diary fashion, I write a glowing review of a pick, so that team trades the pick. Although I will say that maybe they read my analysis (ignore it wasn't published yet) that George and Leonard play the same position, and that George Hill would be a better fit in the rotation. I'm still giving Indiana credit.

Kenneth Faried not only got drafted by the Nuggets, but he also won the annual NBA Draft Win a Baby Contest. The last time Kenneth was in Denver against Louisville, he was pretty impressive. So he'll probably be traded at some point.

Marshon Brooks got picked by the Celtics, felt the excitement of being drafted by a successful close-to-home team, and then party pooper Andy Katz tells Brooks he's being traded to the Nets. In their home arena (maybe, they may never play a game there if the season is a wash), the Nets gave a zero to that news.

At this point in the draft, I think teams just made trades to keep the draft exciting. I can't believe there's another round. Jon Barry just took a cat nap. Who can blame him?

The best NBA news isn't even draft related. Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. You can say he's a changed man. It will be odd to hear Charles Barkley say "World Peace is sucking out there tonight".

Norris Cole is taking his talents to South Beach. Another Cleveland guy headed to Miami. Now Cleveland has to take down their Norris Cole banners.