Casting the Redskins' Last NFL Season as a Movie

Let's admit it. Deep down, every Washington fan has become accustomed to the drama surrounding our beloved Skins. They may not be winning many games, but they certainly seem to find new and improved ways to pull at our heart strings. Just when we all think every possible catastrophe has befallen us, another bizarre development hits the national media stage, destroying any hope we might have for a healthy, happy organization any time soon.

The stories coming out of Redskins park have at times bordered on sheer lunacy, the kind of tales that are too absurd to make up. You almost have to wonder if Warner Bros. is gathering all this research to fit their own ends. And if they did...you'd have to think that the following actors are being given strong consideration.

Clint Eastwood as Mike Shanahan

Was there ever any doubt? That squinty scowl, that leathery face, those piercing eyes. Send Clint to a tanning bed and max out the power setting for an hour. Tada. Insta-Shanahan. I suppose you could get him to dye his hair and eyebrows too, but we don't want to overdo it. Let's allow the actors to fall into these roles organically and move us with the acting, less so with the aesthetics.

Key Scene (Opener)

Shanahan's at his million-dollar ranch in Denver, sitting in the "work" room furnished with a hundred TVs that are all running different game films of the Redskins. But Shanny is focused on the TV in front of him, which is showing Jim Zorn's fake field goal play against the Giants. Shanny grunts a little under his breath and clicks the remote control. Now the TV is showing Haynesworth heaving with his hands on his hips. Shanny pauses the screen and squints hard and long. The camera flips back and forth between his eyes and the face of Haynesworth. No words. No noise. Feeling the tension yet?

Steve Carell as Daniel Snyder

I know, you're thinking Michael from The Office. You're thinking Snyder's incompetence is going to look like some comedy act.

Hold on, though, this guy has range. He can pull off the serious stuff. Of course, a little bit of Snyder's idiocy has to be shown with a funny side. But you kind of need both. I want to see a detestable businessman who has a tiger by the tail in the Redskins, a man convinced that every bad decision he makes is a good one when even his house servants are giggling behind his back.

Key Scene

He's eating a shrimp cocktail at an overpriced steakhouse (D.C. folks, you know which one I speak of) alone and pensively looking at his gold-coated Blackberry. When the waiter comes by, he's pulled back to reality and immediately starts bitching about how his martini tastes too middle class. Then he dials a number.

"Vinny, hey, it's me. You still getting my checks?"

"Of course, Dan, we're solid. What's up?"

"Listen, I'm worried. First Joe, now we bring in Mike. I'm wondering. Is this the right idea?"

"Mr Snyder, if I may say so, every idea you have is outstanding."

"... Know what, Vin, you're right. I mean, it's still my team, right? Man, I just miss having you around. It's so quiet around here these days."

Ade as Albert Haynesworth

He amused us in Snatch and did his small part in Casino Royale, but it's time this underrated British actor gets his big break. Don't worry; he can nix the accent for this part. Besides, look at him. I mean, just look at that face and put a helmet on it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Haynesworth, King of the Lazy, Overpaid Players!

Key Scene

He's at ESPN's studio talking with Hannah Storm, an op-ed that Fat Al's agent promised would be a good deodorant to all the fitness test talks and rumors of dissent between himself and Shanny. After the interview, Al's agent brings him a cell phone and covers the receiver with his hand.

"Al, it's your coach. He wants to talk."

"Man, f**k that dude. F**k em. Hang up. Did you hear me, dammnit?!"

Al slaps his agent across the face. His agent cowers back.

"What the hell you standin' there for?" Al shouts. "Go get me a hoagie."

Dennis Haysbert as Donovan McNabb

Skins fans felt like they were "in good hands" with McNabb. No mayhem possible, right?

Well, maybe a little. McNabb has always had a certain stage presence, almost like that of a politician. Seriously, in the past, he'd do the postgame press conferences, and he masterfully deflected derisive questions while maintaining a charming poise. If he said that he needed fans to switch their auto insurance for him to play better, they'd believe him and do it. That's why Haysbert just seems like the right fit.

Key Scene

The Week 10 home-game humiliation against the Eagles (fourth quarter):

After throwing his third pick, Kyle Shanahan and McNabb are looking at some pictures of defense coverage. McNabb is confused but mostly indifferent.

"Donovan, it's Week 10 now and you're still having issues. Would you at least try wearing the wrist band for awhile, you know, to see if it helps?"

"No. You kiddin' me? Like I'm goin' to wear something that makes me look bad. Forget it...Now tell me what that last play was we just ran."

Vinny Cerrato as Sergeant Antonelli

He's back, folks. Look, this is my insane movie idea, and if it takes off, I want Vinny doing what he does best: wearing entirely too much denim and barking orders to other D-level actors with the passion of a manatee on Prozac.

Why does this movie need a cop from the 90s but looks like he's from the 80s? Who cares. I'll have him cameo as a bodyguard for Snyder or Shanny, on the lookout for rogue kindergarten ninjas. I just can't stand to let such a talent like Vinny go to waste. In fact, I might even allow him to cast a lot of the key roles for this movie. What could go wrong?

Key Scene (And maybe his only one)

Snyder is leaving the owner's booth after another disappointing loss at home, and the boos and chants of "Fire Snyder" are thundering throughout the stadium. Sgt. Antonelli is opening the door for Snyder to pass.

As Snyder walks by, Sgt. Antonelli meets eyes with him, winks, and says, "Don't worry, sir. We've got this under control."

 "Excellent work, Sergeant. I can always trust you."

Tom Cruise as ... (Wait for It) ... Tom Cruise

Snyder's rock-bottom public image needs a baseline for reference, and Maverick provides it. However, unlike Snyder, Cruise was at least a coveted Hollywood icon, long before the Scientology and the lawsuits and the infamous Oprah episode. You can't even say that with Snyder, who's never tasted the glory of being a likable figure even for a moment. Dare I say, he's not likely to ever reach it.

Where Snyder and Cruise are similar is in their deluded perception of reality, and that's why Cruise is in my movie. Plus, well, I also wanted to add him. Someone's got to outshine Vinny, okay?

Key Scene

Tom and Dan are riding in a golf cart together, singing "The Boys Are Back in Town" on their way to the green.

Later, as Tom is eyeing his ball in the rough, he ponders his club selection.

"It's too close for missiles, switching to guns."

Snyder chimes in, "Mav, what are you doing? Engage, Mav! Engage!"