The Utah Jazz and Other Follies: Ranking the Worst Team Names in the Big 4
Every sports fan needs a lifeline to reality—mine is my girlfriend.
On the rare occasion she watches a game with me, I always come away impressed with the depth and ingenuity of her analysis. She knows very little about the rules and cares very little about the stakes, so her commentary tends to address the overlooked absurdities of our sporting world.
A typical conversation:
Her: Who’s that? His tattoos are silly.
Me: That’s Carmelo Anthony, he...
Her: Wait, wait, wait. Carmelo Anthony? Shouldn’t his name be Anthony Carmelo?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: I mean Anthony is a first name. What kind of first name is Carmelo? Is that Spanish for caramel?
Me: I’m not sure what it means. It’s just his name. He’s a big star. He used to play for the Denver Nuggets and...
Her: Wait, wait, wait. The Denver Nuggets? What kind of name is “Nuggets?”
Me: I think it refers to nuggets of gold or silver or something...
Her: Well that’s still pretty dumb to have a team named after a shiny rock. Aren’t mascots supposed to be fierce?
Me: I guess.
Her: Who’s that? He looks nice.
Me: That’s Chauncey Billups...
Her: Wait, wait, wait. Chauncey Billups? Did you make that up?
Me: No, I...
Her: Is he British? Does he live in a Charles Dickens' novel? Does he sweep chimneys in the offseason?
Me: Let’s just watch the travel channel.
While I’m quick to identify a shot-clock malfunction or parse a defense’s alignment, she’s able to see through all of the other bullshit I take for granted. As a sports fan, it's easy to lose perspective, to bludgeon ourselves with overexposure and to emerge with a pretty warped sense of what’s normal.
For a case in point, look no further than the stunning assortment of terrible team nicknames and the disinterest with which sports fans regard them. We fans hear the same city-nickname combinations so frequently they begin to seem sensible, even poetic.
If you take a step back though, you begin to wonder: How is it that a boardroom full of sports executives, charged with creating the franchise’s marketing cornerstone, knowing full well the stakes and the scrutiny, emerge with the name Denver Nuggets?
Considering the impressive array of flora, fauna and geographic majesty in Colorado, how could Denver Nuggets possibly have been the best choice?
It defies logic.
So, consider this list a big step back, a girlfriend-inspired meditation on the worst team names in the four big professional sports.
20. Boston Red Sox/Chicago White Sox
1 of 20
A brief history of human kind:
-God creates man.
-Man creates socks or “stockings.”
-Man places such incredible value in the color of one's socks that it becomes a suitable commentary on the relative awesomeness of one's favorite sports teams.
-Russia and someone else fight the Crimean War.
-Man stops giving a fuck about the color of other man’s socks.
-Man cures Polio.
-Today
The takeaway: These nicknames are so dated that even [laughably old celebrity] doesn’t understand their meaning.
19. Green Bay Packers
2 of 20
The origins of this team name are actually pretty interesting.
At its inception, the team belonged to the ownership of a packing company, so they decided to call their nascent squad the Packers, and the name stuck.
I respect the franchise for holding onto the tradition, but the name still sucks.
I’m sure the people at packing plants work hard, but it's hard to romanticize that profession the same way we glorify those who forge steel or rustle cattle. A package isn’t primal, it’s plastic.
18. Philadelphia Phillies
3 of 20
I hate to do this to my all-time favorite sports franchise, but this nickname is trash.
Excuse me while I beg forgiveness at the altar of Harry Kalas.
Real talk, the name makes almost no sense, although I give the franchise some flex room considering they invented the pseudonym in the 19th century. I like to imagine the inventors decided on “Phillies” so the largely illiterate society of the time might have had an easier time understanding exactly where the team was from. See, it was functional because if you didn’t hear them announce “Philadelphia,” you would hear the word “Phillies” afterward and know exactly what the stocking-clad newspaper boy was referring to.
At least that’s what I tell myself. Audible sigh...
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17. Toronto Maple Leafs
4 of 20
Yeah, it’s symbolic and whatnot, but it’s a freaking leaf.
Not the tree. Not even the seed. The leaf. It’s an autumnal waste product, not a nickname.
Maybe we need another list to address lame national symbols. I’ve got my eye on you, Kyrgyzstan.
16. San Diego Padres
5 of 20
Saints are legit. I mean those guys have been canonized. Just a regular old priest though? Boring. Is it supposed to be cool because it's in Spanish?
Naming yourself the “priests” is like trading for God at the end of the season and failing to lock him/her/it up long term. If religious symbolism is your angle, go all in and call yourself the “saviors” or the “popes” or something else all-powerful.
In sports you want to be the jefe, not middle management, and the nickname sets the tone.
It’s no surprise then the Padres have been baseball’s middle managers for three decades running now. They’re usually decent with a relevant season sprinkled here and there, but nothing resembling greatness
15. Chicago Cubs
6 of 20
Why would you ever want to be the helpless, infantile version of a man-crushing beast? Props to the Bears for exploiting this feeble-minded attempt at a nickname and fashioning themselves as the Cubs’ daddies (or mommies).
The stadium is named after chewing gum and the team is named after a toothless half-beast. No wonder the franchise hasn’t won in so long.
14. The Columbus Blue Jackets
7 of 20
Sounds like some hideous piece of clothing Craig Sager would wear. From here, I could launch into a rant about the worthlessness of Sager, but that would take a) too much space and b) three years off of my life. So, I will say Sager stinks and, at best, this nickname references a glorified, off-color bee.
13. Los Angeles Lakers
8 of 20
Hooray, we’re relocating the franchise! First question, should we change our team name or try to maintain a sense of continuity?
Well, if you’re name references the abundance of fresh-water lakes in your original market, and you’re moving to a scorched-earth coastal city, I’d suggest the quick change. Los Angeles Reservoirs? Maybe. Los Angeles Waves? Sure! Los Angeles Lakers? Nope.
My research tells me a Laker is an exclusively lake-bound water transport, so even in it’s original context, the name isn’t exactly riveting.
12. Indiana Pacers
9 of 20
This nickname pays tribute to Indianapolis’ auto-racing history by referencing the “pace” car or safety car. For those unaware, the pace car is the most boring part of an auto race. The pace car comes out during a caution and reminds the competitors to decelerate. It’s a moving speed limit sign. In a sport that’s all about going fast, Indiana picks the killjoy. Ricky Bobby frowns upon you.
My favorite scene in Talladega Nights you ask? It has to be the one where Ricky stabs himself in the leg and tries, with the help of Cal and Lucius, to pry that knife out with another knife. Witty dialogue is great, but nothing beats a great slapstick sequence.
11. Orlando Magic
10 of 20
For some, the word “magic” invokes fairytale fantasies or robed sorcerers or the beauty of that which cannot be explained by logic. I, however, think of sad men at birthday parties with rabbits in their hats. Because this is my list, the latter takes precedence.
Also, as a nicknaming rule of thumb, I would try to avoid any animal, being or concept within three degrees of separation from Criss Angel. Orlando, you have violated that rule.
Note: The Washington Wizards get a pass here because the term is a bit more specific and somewhat basketball-oriented because people often refer to ball-handling as wizardry. Also, John Wooden was the “Wizard of Westwood” and all things John Wooden are good.
10. Washington Redskins
11 of 20
No matter where you fall in the debate over Native American nicknames in professional sports, it is almost impossible to defend the absolute absurdity that is the “Redskins.”
A word of advice Washington: You should probably avoid naming yourself after a group of people you wiped off the face of the earth using a moniker that the surviving few would never use in reference to themselves. Red-skins? One can easily imagine the color equivalents for other prominent races, and they don’t sound too good.
“Redskins” doesn’t invoke positive imagery like “Braves” or even put forth the effort to refer to a particular tribe like the “Seminoles.” Bottom line, the name is racist and lazy—and also racist.
9. Houston Texans
12 of 20
Every team name has two components: a geographic identifier and a nickname. The first covers where the team hails from, and the second should provide the franchise with some sort of related symbolic imagery. I say should because the creative minds behind the Houston Texans apparently slept through that lecture in “Team Names 101.” Houston is in Texas, Houstonians are Texans, and the relationship is implied.
This is the Sirhan Sirhan of team names, a repetitive mess. It’s a two-name format. Try to summon up the creative energy to use both.
Other repetitive names:
Butros Butros Gali
William Carlos Williams
Snoop Doggy Dogg
Hot Hot Heat
Triple H
Canada Dry (Implied)
Bonus name that is both repetitive and contradictory:
God Shammgod (Which is it? Are you a god or a false god? Heaven help us.)
8. New York Metropolitans
13 of 20
Wait! What!?!? New York City is a metropolitan area? You mean just like the other 500 major metropolitan areas in the world? Stop the bleepin’ presses.
I never understood what this nickname was supposed to conjure. Are we supposed to remember New York is a big city? If so, mission accomplished.
7. New Jersey Nets
14 of 20
Was New Jersey Backboards already taken? Did some other franchise call dibs on New Jersey Shot Clocks? Or were the creators simply smitten with the concept of alliteration?
What can we takeaway from this nickname? New Jersey has an abundant supply of nylon?
Questions abound.
Bottom line, this moniker takes mundane to a new level. I feel bad for the people who have to come up with mascots based on a name like Nets.
“Bob, we need you to create a lovable life-sized puppet that captures the spirit of the Camden Carpet Fibers. We’re thinking Carpy, like a gigantic fish who flops up-and-down the aisles. Any suggestions? Bob? Bob?....He hung up.”
6. Anaheim Ducks
15 of 20
I did love this movie. It's one of my favorite kid-oriented sports flicks. Gordon Bomby, Charlie Conway, Goldberg, a knucklepucking Keenan Thompson—it’s undeniably classic.
Eventually though, the franchise realized it’s inane to name your team after a mid-'90s movie trilogy about pee wee hockey.
I give them props for admitting their error and shedding the “Mighty” moniker. Unfortunately, the extraction left Anaheim tethered to an annoying, web-footed water fowl best known for its succulent marriage to various French sauces and/or presence in Aflac commercials.
Addition by subtraction, fail.
“I was once the face of hockey in Orange County.” “Now it is I, silly preteen ice creature.”
5. Vancouver Canucks
16 of 20
This one’s kind of like Redskins in that it’s offensive, and kind of like Texans in the sense that it’s repetitive.
Ultimately, it’s kind of, like, terrible.
I get Vancouverites are trying to reclaim the term “Canucks” from its largely pejorative connotation, but that makes it worse.
Some advice for Canada: This hemisphere doesn’t need a great white laughingstock. Stop trying to poke fun at yourself and shape up!
4. Denver Nuggets
17 of 20
A Nugget is either a) a piece of gold produced through mining and extraction (Wikipedia), b) a lump of breaded or battered chicken (Wikipedia) or c) a really annoying synonym for the word “fact” (Avipedia).
It’s kind of impressive the Denver execs could pick a word with three distinct shades of blandness. Except that it’s not.
Note: We should have called them the Denver McNuggets when they had Antonio McDyess. Did we? That would have been awesome.
3. Atlanta Thrashers
18 of 20
When I think “thrashers,” I think “fish out of water” or “mental patient reluctantly strapped to a hospital bed,” not “middling hockey team.”
My guess is that Atlanta didn’t put too much thought into this one, just to make sure the franchise knew that Georgians were never going to give a crap about hockey.
In fact, I would argue Atlanta is the worst professional sports town in America. Considering the size of the city, paired with the relative success of its sports franchises, it's amazing how little support the teams receive.
We all know about the Braves’ attendance difficulties during their dominant run through the NL East, but how about the Falcons and Hawks? Both teams have enjoyed some success in the last 10 years and featured some pretty electrifying talent, but you still rarely hear about the fervor and passion of the Atlanta home crowds.
Don’t give me that bunk about the laid back southern disposition being misinterpreted as apathy. I’ve heard the roar between the hedges at a Georgia football game and I know southerners can get plenty loud.
With a few prominent exceptions, I just don’t think pro sports work in the American south. Let’s just contract the whole region and leave them their SEC football.
2. Nashville Predators
19 of 20
Without a doubt, this is the laziest, most astonishingly clueless team name in all of sports.
First, why didn’t they take the time to pick a type of predator? How about tiger, bear or shark? There are literally thousands of species that fit the bill. Just pick one.
Second, how could the creators of this nickname not anticipate its unfortunate lexical connection to serial sexual offenders? Most predators get put in a database, not an ice rink.
I'm not trying to make light of the matter. I'm just trying to illuminate the blinding incompetence of the Nashville nicknaming committee.
NHL, please do the right thing and put southern hockey out of its misery.
“I am the Nashville Predator!” “Hey, me too!”
1. Utah Jazz
20 of 20
Irony has no human form, but if it did, it would walk on its hands, grab things with its feet, own Alanis Morissette’s complete anthology and root for the Utah Jazz.
In the franchise’s New Orleans days, Jazz was an apt pseudonym. 1,700 miles northwest, in a land where musical exploration begins and ends with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the name sounds like a farce.
Put simply, Utah is to jazz as oil is to water. See the following Venn Diagram for a visual representation:
I actually just noticed one similarity between the two. They are both four letter words. That is all.
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