Takin' a T/O with BT: The Real Reason the Pittsburgh Penguins "Suck"

There’s been a lot of hype surrounding the fact that the Pittsburgh Penguins have seemingly collapsed during the first two games of the Stanley Cup finals—so much so, that it prompted one Pittsburgh cab driver to ask James Duthie, "Why do we suck?"

To be honest, there are a lot of different opinions on that.

Some say that the Detroit Red Wings are just too experienced. Others are saying that the disappearance of Evgeni Malkin has allowed the Wings to key on Sidney Crosby and the other scoring threats that the Penguins boast, while the rest of the roster is just getting outplayed physically.

What if it’s just that the Penguins are running into something that every team runs into during the playoffs—a hot goalie?

Or is (heaven forbid) my buddy Scott right in saying that the "warmer arena temperatures bode well for Detroit's veteran players as old people work better in warm climates"?

Well, the answer has nothing to do with inexperience, a lack of presence in the corners and along the boards, global warming pattens, or even Chris Osgood and his emergence as the goalie to beat in these playoffs.

Nope. The reason Pittsburgh is losing is much simpler than that.

It’s all about the beards, baby.

That’s right—the fact that Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby, and Jordan Stall haven’t hit puberty yet is the exact reason that the Penguins can’t win a game. Just ask Ken Armer about the real reason for the Wings’ dominance:

“It’s ridiculous. I mean, just give the Wings the cup for crying out loud and tell Sidney to come back to the finals when he can grow a beard like a ‘big boy’.”

Now before you just dismiss this as just another “Sidney Crosby is a big baby” rant, destined to point out the fact that some people still think that Crosby has a lot of growing up to do before he can be considered the ‘best’ (I mean let’s face it—he’s 20. If I’ve still got a lot of growing up to do, it’s a safe bet that Sidney does too), think about this:

All of the greatest men in history had beards.

Paul Bunyan was the first man to make wearing flannel cool. Included in that, he brought respectability back to the legion of lumber jacks, he made it respectable to own strange colored animals, and he also made living in Michigan, Maine, Wisconsin, or Minnesota a good thing (depending on which legend you believe in).

Paul Bunyan had a beard.

Abe Lincoln won the Civil War, apparently one of the greatest victories in American history (I’m Canadian, so I can’t really be sure if it was the ‘greatest’ or not), and has since been voted as one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States.

Lincoln was so imposing, he was only vulnerable from behind, and even then he needed a play to distract him.

Needless to say, he was so tough it took him nine hours to die, despite him being shot point-blank in the head.

Abe Lincoln had a beard.

Sidenote: Abraham Lincoln also had a very classy stove-pipe hat—another factor in his immense awesomeness—but for now that’s beside the point. After game three when we begin to talk about how pre and post game dress determines your attitude on the ice—that’s when we’ll get into the hat.

Chuck Norris is…well…Chuck Norris.

And everyone who's anyone knows he has a beard.

In a roundabout way, the beard is a way of separating the men from the boys, the experienced from the inexperienced, and the those who know how to get the job done from those who are merely filling out an application.

Up and down Detroit’s roster there is experience covered in a fuzzy lining.

Kirk Maltby, Kris Draper, Darren McCarty, and Tomas Holmstrom have three Stanley Cup rings to show that they’ve been to the dance and they know the steps—and they’ve got the whiskers to prove it.

Nicklas Lidstrom has seen so much springtime hockey that he only needs to grow a goatee, while Chris Chelios—the towering Greek boy that he is—has earned the right (being more than double Crosby’s age) to choose whether or not he gets to grow a playoff beard (Upon hearing this, Crosby has begun counting down the days until he's 40 and doesn't need to prove himself with a beard anymore).

But it’s not just the grizzled vets doing it—the kids on Detroit’s roster are growing quality beards as well in an attempt to show the same “been there, done that” attitude as their elder statesmen.

In adding to the number of beards, the fledgling Wings have also worked to increase the intimidation factor over the newborn Penguins.

Henrik Zetterberg has never appeared in a Stanley Cup final, but that didn’t stop him from growing out the facial fuzz.

Mikael Samuelsson, Andreas Lilja, Brett Lebda, and Niklas Kronvall haven’t been here either, but they won’t take "you’re too young" as an answer—they're standing up for facial hair challenged young guns everywhere!

Then there are guys that have been in the league a bit but never sniffed the finals. Just because it's their first time playing for Lord Stanley's mug, that doesn't mean Dallas Drake and Dan Cleary can't take part in the follicle festivities.

Needless to say, Gillette may not want to sponsor the Wings any time soon (unless it’s in a fundraiser for charity like with Kevin Youkillis and Mike Commodore).

But enough with those that are blessed with beards. What about across the ice—what exactly are the Penguins bringing to the show beard-wise?

Well, you’ve got two European attempts at beards with Marian Hossa and Sergei Gonchar, the "French-Painter" look with Marc-Andre Fleury (Go figure, he finally gets tested this series and look what’s happened so far), the weird goatee that Georges Laraque has, Evgeni Malkin and his three hairs, and Sidney Crosby and…well…whatever that scruff is supposed to be.

Even Gary Roberts, the grizzled veteran on this roster, is so irate that he didn't play in game one that he's only willing to go with a goatee—it's the same strategy as Lidstrom, but the difference? Attitude.

That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due, and Petr Sykora, Ryan Malone, Brooks Orpik, and Maxime Talbot deserve some credit—if it weren’t for them, this team would have less hair than a grade eight gym class (Um….weird comment…take two).

Take Two: If it weren’t for them, this team would have less hair than Howie Mandel (Not nearly as funny, but far less creepy—Ryan Alberti just slammed his head through a wall and Zander Freund is eyeing the watery depths below the Golden Gate Bridge now).

So what’s in store for the Pittsburgh Penguins? Do they slap history in the face and force themselves back into this series despite a lack of facial hair, or will the Mustached Menace that is the Detroit Red Wings continue to dominate the Pens until the waning minutes of the series?

My take? Rug burn (much like writers' block—which explains this article) is a bitch, especially along the boards—look for the latter.