If Every Premier League Team Was a High Street Shop...
With the new Premier League season well under way, it's time to ask the truly important questions—like which high street shop or restaurant most closely resembles each of the 20 participants in the league?
We at B/R are up to the task of answering such a question and, with our tongues firmly wedged in our cheeks, have done so over the following pages.
Take a look and leave your suggestions in the comments...
Arsenal: House of Fraser
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House of Fraser is a premium retailer with lots of expensive items and some nice French stuff, but ultimately it's not quite as nice as that really fancy shop on the Kings Road nor that premium boutique in Manchester.
Sound familiar?
Aston Villa: HMV
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Villa are HMV: They were massive in decades gone by and were a key source of entertainment in the 1990s, but nobody really understands why they are still around.
Bournemouth: Uniqlo
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Bournemouth's Dean Court stadium is a lot like Uniqlo: It's really cheap, it's quite fun to go there, and if you're visiting, you'll probably leave with more than you came in with.
Chelsea: Apple Store
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Much like Chelsea, Apple is a brand that wasn't a huge player in the 1990s but has grown to the state of irrepressible ubiquity in the last 10 years, thanks to a terrifyingly powerful man at the top.
Apple products are also a bit like Chelsea managers: They appear perfect, beautiful and functional, but they always go wrong after a couple of years.
Crystal Palace: Ann Summers
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Crystal Palace are the Ann Summers of the league. With players like Yohan Cabaye, there's lots of potential for sexiness, and it's really quite exciting to be there in person—but then you remember you're in a tatty part of Croydon and everything's a bit cheap.
Everton: Waterstones
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The Toffees are like Waterstones: They feel like a relic from the past, but they still manage to be relevant and adapt to modern times.
Plus, they often boast some pretty decent signings.
Leicester City: TK Maxx
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Ever been to a place where most of the stuff on offer was good about three years ago, but a little bit past its prime now? You've either visited TK Maxx or the King Power Stadium.
Liverpool: IKEA
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Liverpool are a lot like IKEA: Everything looks quite sturdy from the outset, but it doesn't take too much pressure for everything to collapse.
Manchester City: Marks & Spencer
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M&S were run of the mill for decades and have suddenly become quite upmarket. Just like a certain Manchester-based Premier League team.
Manchester United: Harrods
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In many ways, Manchester United are a lot like Harrods.
The club's foreign owned, there's lots of high-quality products on offer, the people who go there believe they are better than everyone else and they used to be a lot better than they are right now.
Newcastle United: Your Local Kebab Shop
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Newcastle are the Premier League equivalent of your post-pub dining emporium: They consistently serve up crap, and everyone knows it's crap, but people keep coming back in their droves.
Norwich City: A Provincial Nightclub
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Norwich City in the Premier League is like your local nightclub: There's lots of gaudy shirts and drunk people, and there's an excellent chance it will be gone by next May.
Southampton: Jack Wills
13 of 20Jack Wills are popular with young people, increasingly fashionable and sell things at very high prices that their new owners often shouldn't have splurged on.
Sounds like Southampton, doesn't it, Brendan?
Stoke City: The Pharmacist
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Stoke is like your local pharmacist: You don't really want to go there—particularly on a cold Tuesday night—they can often embarrass you and you typically leave feeling worse than when you got there.
Sunderland: Vodafone
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The Black Cats only scored 31 goals last season, so it's fair to say their strikers don't get good service. A lot like folks whose phones are powered by a certain carrier!
Swansea City: Urban Outfitters
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Swansea are like Urban Outfitters: very popular with hipsters and they occasionally come up with a shirt that no sane person would wear.
Tottenham Hotspur: H. Samuel
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Spurs are a bit like a popular high-street jeweller: Everything looks very pretty and there's so much promise of happiness, but when you actually go there and give them your money, you often leave feeling a little ripped off.
Watford: Pizza Express
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Watford are like your high-street Pizza Express branch: They have a distinctly Italian flavour, and at any given point, it's never really clear who the manager is.
West Brom: Argos
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West Brom are definitely Argos: You can't really see how it all works and it's not particularly glamorous, but somehow they keep surviving.
West Ham United: The Post Office
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Finally, the Hammers would be the Post Office. Lots of things get sent off there, and whether you like it or not, they're being funded by the taxpayer.
