Imagining the Contract Negotiations of Jonathan Bernier and Toronto Maple Leafs

The Jonathan Bernier arbitration hearing is set for Friday, with the Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender asking for $5.1 million and the team offering $2.89 million, per Sportsnet's Elliotte Friedman. But if Bernier and the Leafs can work out a contract, they may not need a third-party judgment to determine Bernier's value. 

Now that Toronto has hired general manager Lou Lamoriello, the organization can use its complete front-office powers to negotiate a deal with the goalie. If we were to plant an illegal recording device within the Leafs offices, here's what we might hear in a meeting among Bernier, Lamoriello, team president Brendan Shanahan and assistant GM Kyle Dubas.

We join the meeting already in progress.

Kyle Dubas: “…and once you calculate the numbers and look at them in relation to zone starts and quality of competition, you can then conclude that the player is...”

Brendan Shanahan: “All I asked was if you had seen Goon and if you liked it.”

Lou Lamoriello: “Nerd!”

Jonathan Bernier: “Can we get back to talking about my contract situation?” 

Brendan Shanahan: “Don’t you want to wait for your agent to get here?”

Jonathan Bernier: “I’ve been hung out to dry so many times in my two years here that I’ve gotten comfortable facing a three-on-one. Let’s get this taken care of.”

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Lou Lamoriello: “I’m with the kid on this. It’s late, and I’m exhausted, and it’s nearly dinner time.”

Kyle Dubas: “Lou…it’s 3:30.” 

Lou Lamoriello: “Nerd.”

Kyle Dubas: “I know you're from a different era...the pre-Colonial...but today we use math and...”

Brendan Shanahan: “Guys, guys. A little bit of professionalism, if you don’t mind? Jonathan wants to make a case for why he deserves a long-term contract, and I think we should hear him out.”

Jonathan Bernier: “Thank you, Mr. Shanahan. Here’s the way I see it. I turn 27 next month. From 2009 to 2014, I had a .920 save percentage, the seventh-best mark in the NHL over that time. If not for an injury in 2013-14, one I attempted to play through, I would’ve carried an extremely poor team into the postseason. Looking at my numbers and comparables at my position, I think four years and $20 million is an extremely fair deal for both sides.”

Brendan Shanahan: “It seems like you're conveniently forgetting your most recent showings, focusing totally on what you did in the past and ignoring the more recent performances that were subpar.”

Jonathan Bernier: “I am, yes.”

Bill Kostroun/Associated Press

Kyle Dubas: “So why should we ignore your recent flaws and focus on your stellar past?”

Jonathan Bernier: “Well…you hired Lou Lamoriello to be GM, right?”

Lou Lamoriello: “Get a haircut, punk.”

Jonathan Bernier: “I just got a haircut.” 

Lou Lamoriello: “A real haircut, draft dodger.”

Jonathan Bernier: “We don’t have a draft in Canada. And of all the people to be giving hair tips…”

Lou Lamoriello: “I’ll have you killed like I did Kevin Constantine!”

Kyle Dubas: “I thought he was alive and coaching in the WHL."

Lou Lamoriello: “Whatever keeps the police off my back.”

Brendan Shanahan: “Again, we’re getting off track. Kyle, what do your numbers say about Jonathan?” 

Kyle Dubas: “Well it’s up for interpretation. His five-on-five save percentage three years ago and two years ago rank in the top 15, but his save percentage at even strength last season was .922, which was well below average.”

Jonathan Bernier: “If I may interject, were we ever really at 'even strength' with another NHL team last season? I mean, five-on-five, I can’t argue that term, but 'even strength' seems like a stretch.”

Kyle Dubas: “Fine. But in adjusted save percentage the numbers were similar over those three years. Bad last year, good the two years before that.”

Brendan Shanahan: “How do you explain that, Jonathan?”

Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Jonathan Bernier: “Let’s go back to movies for a second. Ever see a movie that’s just unbelievably awful from start to finish? Like, it’s just so, so bad that you can’t believe the movie got any funding or the script was approved? But there was one performance in it that stood out as great despite all the problems around said actor?”

Brendan Shanahan: “Like Jackie Earle-Haley in Watchmen.”

Jonathan Bernier: “Exactly. I’m your Jackie Earle-Haley. Keep me around for the reboot.”

Lou Lamoriello: “No one wears a watch anymore. These kids and their iPhones. As a kid, my friend’s father was a watchman who fixed watches for everyone in town.”

Brendan Shanahan: “...”

Kyle Dubas: “...”

Jonathan Bernier: “...”

Brendan Shanahan: “Well, I have to say, Jonathan, two full seasons of having to fend for yourself have served you well here. You have presented a solid argument about why you would be a valuable piece of the Toronto Maple Leafs today and in the future.”

Jonathan Bernier: “That’s great. So you want to send over the contract when it’s ready?”

Brendan Shanahan: “Actually, we’re going to trade you.”

Jonathan Bernier: “What?”

Kyle Dubas: “Yeah, here’s the thing. We’ve done the math…actually, I’ve done the math. Shanny has been 'delegating' 'responsibility' all summer at his cottage, and Lou is still trying to figure out our computer system.” 

Lou Lamoriello: “Paper. Does anyone use paper anymore?”

Kyle Dubas: “Anyway, we think you’re a very good bet to bounce back, and with Mike Babcock behind the bench and a stronger system and better players in front of you, you should do very well.”

Jonathan Bernier: “Then why trade me?”

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Brendan Shanahan: “Because you’re going to do well. Look, Jonathan, we don’t want to be better next season. What’s the point? We go from 68 points to 78 points? So we can go from a top-five pick to picking 12th? That’s not going to help us. Our coach is signed for eight years, and my AGM just started shaving two years ago. Our time is not now. We’ve got a guy in James Reimer who has had his confidence demolished the last two years, and we figure why not make that work for us in 2015-16 and land us Auston Mathews?”

Jonathan Bernier: “So why now? Why make me go through all this?” 

Brendan Shanahan: “Lou insisted we wait until we hire him so he can trade you, then watch you pack your locker and exit the building as he laughs. Right, Lou? Right? Lou?”

Kyle Dubas: “I think he fell asleep.” 

Jonathan Bernier: “That’s a bit sick, but I understand. So who is going to be your second goaltender? It’s late July, and everyone is signed.”

Brendan Shanahan: “Well, that’s the other reason we hired Lou. Jonathan, we’d like you to meet our new goaltender, Martin Brodeur.”

(Martin Brodeur enters, carrying a bucket of popcorn and large soda)

Martin Brodeur: “Hey guys, are we gonna watch Goon or what?”

All statistics via War on Ice.

Dave Lozo covers the NHL for Bleacher Report. You can follow him on Twitter @DaveLozo.