College Football Superlatives from Kramer's Korner: Mad Hatter's Magic Reigns

It's easy to get lost in the splendors of Les Miles, nature's gift to college football.

He eats grass. He butchers the English language each and every week in spectacular fashion, creating enough words and phrases to fill an encyclopedia of malapropisms. He claps on the sideline as if he was programmed to do so, turning a simple gesture into robot art.

But as we marvel over these quirks time and time again, oftentimes the brilliance of LSU's flamboyant head coach goes unnoticed. Despite Miles' entertaining clashes with clock management—another quirk to toss on an enormous list—few coaches deliver more when thrown in the brightest spotlight imaginable.

His record while entering the fourth quarter behind on the scoreboard isn't just impressive; it's preposterous.

"

Les Miles is an amazing 24-23 after trailing in the 4th quarter. #MISSvsLSU pic.twitter.com/2wci8YW71D

— College GameDay (@CollegeGameDay) October 26, 2014"

LSU's 10-7 victory over No. 3 Ole Miss in Death Valley on Saturday was a culmination of Miles' successful style and career. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't easy. Yet, in its ugliness, it was strangely beautiful. And making an emotional win that much more special was the fact that Miles' mother Martha had passed away the night before.

"After the game, I can't tell you the number of young men that threw their arms around me and said that they love me, which is as touching as anything I've had happen," Miles said, per The Times-Picayune. "They hand me the game ball, which I only accept on behalf of a great team. A team that really comes out and says we can be a whole lot better, we can improve and they go to work. You guys hear me say this, they're going to improve, they're coming, we're going to be special, this team is ambitious. So, I accept it. Martha Miles, this is a great night considering. I miss you, Ma."

What else can you say? There's not much one can add to such poetry, although we wouldn't expect anything less from Miles. Our deepest condolences, coach.

As for the rest of Week 9, here are the awards, takeaways, incredible moments in LARGE MAN TOUCHDOWN history and deer—yes, deer—cameos that warrant your utmost attention.

Offensive Player of the Week: Trevone Boykin, TCU 

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

The nation's most improved player by the widest margin imaginable only played three quarters against Texas Tech. That was all quarterback Trevone Boykin needed, although TCU scored 82 points regardless. I suppose basketball season is right around the corner.

In only 45 minutes, Boykin threw for 433 yards and seven touchdowns. He added seven rushes for 28 yards. For the season, Boykin has accounted for 24 touchdowns and just three interceptions.

The player who struggled to find a position not long ago is now very much in the Heisman discussion. Seven touchdowns—or one every seven minutes or so—can help that case.

Dominant Defender: Joey Bosa, Ohio State 

Oftentimes in this section, we tend to focus too closely on numbers and not enough on pure impact on an individual game. Joey Bosa, Ohio State's star, backflip-capable defensive end, delivered in both departments.

The sophomore finished the Buckeyes' double-overtime win against Penn State with six tackles and 2.5 sacks. The numbers stand quite nicely without further context, although his final burst of raw power won the game for the Buckeyes.

On fourth down in the second OT, Bosa sacked Penn State quarterback Christian Hackenberg with the helping hand of Nittany Lions running back Akeel Lynch. In fairness to Lynch, there was absolutely nothing he could do here. No running back—not one—wins this battle.

Given everything that was at stake for OSU, you might not see a more physically eye-popping play on defense all season.

Video Game Box Score

—Georgia Southern, in a single game, ran for 613 yards on 63 carries. Sure, it came against Georgia State, but please don't let that take away from this beautiful carnage. Three Georgia Southern players ran for 90 yards or more, and eight (!!!) ran for 30 yards or more. That'll be a rough defensive film session, I imagine.

—Ameer Abdullah is basically a weekly cheat code at this point. The Nebraska running back ran for 225 yards and three touchdowns on just 19 carries, although he wasn't done there. Abdullah also caught two passes for 26 yards and finished with 341 all-purpose yards, a school record. What a fantastic player.

Anti-Video Game Box Score

—Pittsburgh did something so spectacularly woeful that we should celebrate with a parade. On their first five possessions against Georgia Tech, the Panthers fumbled five times and lost all five. To truly appreciate the absurdity of this, you must look at this drive chart. Scientists will study it for years to come.

"

Collect the whole set! pic.twitter.com/dyqxjvowrD

— Adam Kramer (@KegsnEggs) October 25, 2014"

—Michigan carried the ball 28 times for 65 yards against Michigan State on Saturday, which was good for an average of 2.3 yards per carry. When you total the past two seasons, the Wolverines have accounted for 17 yards rushing on 57 carries against their rival while being outscored 64-17. That's not optimal.

Biggest Surprise

This was a first. I've seen a lot of outlandish football happenings—many of which have taken place this year—but I'd never seen a facemask ripped off as if it were some sort of Broadway prop. I can now cross that off my bucket list (not that it was on it in the first place).

That's exactly what happened to freshman running back Leonard Fournette as he sliced through the Ole Miss defense. Serderius Bryant, doing anything in his power to bring him down, reached out and pulled this piece of equipment right off.

If you needed a reminder of how absolutely insane this game can be—and you probably don't—you got one here.

Best Moment

For a moment, abandon all talk of hot seats, unmet expectations and the unknown still to follow. For right now, let's give a little love to Tim Beckman for winning his first home conference game at Illinois.

"

Illinois gets first @B1Gfootball home win under Tim Beckman, beating Minnesota 28-24. Beckman is 2-18 in conference in 3 years.

— David Woods (@DavidWoods007) October 25, 2014"

Yes, that seems like a strange place to pull up a chair for "Best Moment." But for a coach who has endured the lowest of lows, there's something to be said about beating a 6-1 team in another lost season.

This is by no means a plea to Illinois to keep its coach around for another year, not that the conversation should be abandoned entirely.

Instead, it comes down to acknowledging and appreciating the effort made, even when the hopes for something greater are all but abandoned. We may scoff at Illinois coming away victorious, but a win of this magnitude will be celebrated in that locker room for quite some time. As it should.

Congrats on the win, Illinois, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

For the Highlight Reel: The LARGE MAN TOUCHDOWN to Rule Them All

Sebastian Tretola is listed at 6'5" and 350 pounds on his Arkansas bio.

He is a guard who has found his way to the Razorbacks after stops at Nevada and Iowa Western Community College. His journey to get to this point—Week 9 of the 2014 college football season—has been long. But after throwing (yes, throwing) a touchdown pass against UAB, it has been fulfilled.

If you've read Superlatives before, you're already well aware of how much we love and cherish large-men achievements. Tretola's passing touchdown on fourth down doesn't just warrant inclusion in this conversation. It’s the Holy Grail of LARGE MAN TOUCHDOWNS.

Let's put Bret Bielema and Sebastian Tretola in the Large Men Hall of Fame. Heck, let's make them the chairmen. Heck, here are the keys. It's all theirs.

If the College Football Playoff Started Today... (or Why I Hate Your Team)

Things get a bit more real this week when the College Football Playoff selection committee reveals its first Top 25 on Tuesday. You will then respond by lighting your television on fire and throwing it through the nearest window.

Before the committee gets to its first master reveal and your television is destroyed, however, here is what the College Football Playoff would look like if it happened right now. (Again, these are not projections. Feel free to be light the comment section on fire regardless.)

1. Mississippi State

2. Florida State

3. Auburn

4. Oregon

Five Leftovers to Chew on

1. The topic of "running up the score" has to be the most exhausted debate in football. Did TCU and Michigan State score more points than were necessary in Week 9? Of course they did. Should we crush them for doing so? Goodness no. There's a magnificent way to prevent the score from being inflated. (You can play defense, you see.) Please stop this nonsense over feelings and instead hope said team being run up on decides to make a tackle instead.

2. Mississippi State running back Josh Robinson has gone from unknown entity to underrated weapon to full-blown star in roughly two months. His 198-yard performance was the fourth time he's gone over 100 yards this season, and he's averaging nearly seven-and-a-half yards per carry for the year. It's not just the production either. His bowling-ball-like style is a true pleasure to watch.

3. Speaking of running backs, where's the buzz for Duke Johnson? The Miami running back has added size and looks like a different player entirely. To go along with these favorable physical additions, Johnson is over 1,000 yards rushing while factoring in as a receiver as well. He's already reached a career high in rushing yards, and after a 249-yard performance at Virginia Tech, Johnson is on the verge of a special season. As a result, we should probably start talking about it.

4. The Pac-12 South is, without question, the most underappreciated division in college football. Colorado, even at 2-6, is one of the nation's most improved teams. And in a year that the masses expected UCLA to roll right through its competition, Arizona State, Arizona and Utah are a combined 18-3. Do not count these three teams out of the College Football Playoff just yet, as weird as that sounds. With ample games to make an impression and a potential matchup with Oregon looming, nothing is off the table.

5. Dana Holgorsen has done a masterful job at West Virginia this season, and the hot-seat favorite before the year has seemingly flipped the script entirely. Although beating Oklahoma State this season isn't a program-altering win, think about where these expectations were at the start of the year. With home games against TCU and Kansas State and road trips to Texas and Iowa State, there's a very real possibility the Mountaineers win out. Just like we all thought.

Deer of the Week

It gives me great pleasure to hand out this award, and it goes to a very deserving deer that decided to check out the Days Inn in Happy Valley, Pennsylvania, before Ohio State and Penn State teed it up. He was obviously excited, and I don't think I've stopped laughing at this even after 25 or so viewings.

And you thought the biggest hotel story of the weekend was when Penn State fans reportedly used air horns in the middle of the night at Ohio State's hotel. Oh, you were so wrong.

Move over, Josh Robinson. Your run has company.

Mascot of the Week

Where was Sparty going? Why was he going there? What happened next? I have so many questions, although I'm not sure I want to know the true answer.

Let your mind wander as a large fluffy object moves across your screen without context. It's so much better that way.

Anti-Mascot of the Week 

Another year, another batch of horrifying Famous Idaho Potato Bowl mascot images, videos and Vines. I'm not sure what we've done to deserve this, but he'll see you in your dreams.

Official of the Week

Ron Cherry, the official who brought us, "He was giving him the business" years back, provided another worthy addition to his announcement library.

He certainly could have just signaled first down and been done with it. Of course he could have. But why do that when you can add in a magnificent clap and also improve a simple gesture?

It's the little things that count, I suppose.

Press Conference of the Week: Part 1 

Mark Dantonio was oh so close to breaking character when asked about Michigan and the object the Wolverines apparently put into the Spartans' field before the game. He refused to do it, though.

Instead, he provided the most dad-like response imaginable when asked about it after the game. This is how you keep it PG-13 and still get your point across. Well done, sir. It was indeed shoved.

Press Conference of the Week: Part 2

Behold TCU head coach Gary Patterson's opening statement following a game in which his team scored roughly 1,789 points. (It actually scored 82, as you know already, although his mood didn't quite match that output.)

"It wasn't pretty," is something Patterson actually said and looked serious about doing so. If he's talking about the game itself, he's absolutely correct. If not, well, we're at a loss.

Fake Punt of the Week 

Sometimes the run-of-the-mill fake punt is not enough. That appears to be the Wisconsin mindset, which could explain why punter Drew Meyer incorporated a little Tebow-ian jump pass on fourth down into his repertoire.

We can only hope the double-reverse jump pass fake punt isn't far behind.

"

That was cool. Badgers pulled off a fake punt, jump-pass. Wisconsin leads 17-0 over Maryland in 2Q » http://t.co/lUjPf6DMQ6

— ESPN CollegeFootball (@ESPNCFB) October 25, 2014"

From the Peanut Gallery (Best Tweets of the Weekend)

"

Let’s check in and see how the day has gone for Maryland: pic.twitter.com/viauY2baYL

— Ryan Stites (@Brocktoon23) October 25, 2014"

"

How prolific is @TCUFootball's offense this year? In yesterday's 82-27 romp over Tech, we shot all the pyro we ordered...for the season.

— Drew Martin (@TCU_Drew) October 26, 2014"

"

"Oh, let me lick your tears. The tears of unfathomable sadness." pic.twitter.com/zdyRpoPsIN

— Isaac (@WorldofIsaac) October 26, 2014"

"

Nothing.

— Michigan Football (@umichfootball) October 25, 2014"

"

BREAKING: There is a QB Controversy in Arkansas. pic.twitter.com/igXlQqySoL

— ESPNU (@ESPNU) October 25, 2014 "