Gus Johnson and a Brief History of Ugly American Media in World Football

Gus Johnson is not the first American broadcaster to butcher the Beautiful Game. He's just perfected the art of dumbing down a football match in short order.

Our own Dan Levy has already taken Fox to task, so we're simply going to add a little context (and a bit more vitriol).

Americans always feel the need to Americanize everything. No one summed up this notion as it pertains to "soccer" better than Seamus Malin. As quoted in the Christian Science Monitor a year prior to the U.S. hosting the World Cup for the first time: "I don't think Americans should be tinkering with the sport. This is not their game!''

The scope of this piece shall be centered on the media side of things, but the NASL's/MLS' fateful 35-yard scramble shootout of yesteryear also comes to mind.

ESPN, The Worldwide Sports Leader Despot

One could argue ESPN opened the door for the ugly American broadcaster by assigning Dave O'Brien as their first-string play-by-play guy for the 2006 World Cup. Jeff Z. Klein of the New York Times explored this issue with aplomb during those hazy summer days in Germany.

O'Brien's color commentator, Marcelo Balboa, also came under fire during the 2006 World Cup. One such skewering came from Deadspin, our favorite gatekeepers of snide, in this admittedly awesome piece from some guy named Leitch (the one-name byline being an homage to the Brazilian tradition of Pele/Ronaldo/Neymar, we're assuming) but at least 'Celo had some glancing feel for the game.

O'Brien's bravado and brutish brogue ruined more than one viewing experience during the '06 World Cup, but he generally pronounced names right and never truly embarrassed himself or defiled the game as egregiously as one Augustus Cornelius Johnson.

Cesar Disgust-us

The Gold Cup doesn't quite fill the odd-year summer void for most North American world football enthusiasts, but there is always a bit of intrigue surrounding the second-least entertaining continental championship on offer. (We're not including the Oceania Cup with their Tahitian treats, but we are saying the AFC Asian Cup doesn't really capture our fancy either). 

We did find ourselves watching Team U.S.A. bulldoze a minnow on successive weekends now. We knew we wanted to avoid Gus Johnson's Monster Energy Drink-infused game call, but somehow we weren't able to watch without the volume set at three bars.

As an added attraction, the faint bombast of Eric Wynalda's color-commentating assaulted our eardrums even at dog-whistle level.

While this anecdote could be construed as elitist nit-picking, others will agree that a football announcer is at his best when he subtly illuminates the nuances of the game.

It started when El Salvador's Rodolfo Zelaya was clearly fouled in the box late in the first half of the Gold Cup quarterfinal. First off, Gus didn't disappoint with an effusive "he-did-it"-esque, "Penalty!" shriek.

Then after Zelaya executed a flawless chip for the PK, Johnson couldn't hide he had no sense of what he was seeing—if questioned, he might even think a Panenka is some sort of value menu item at IHOP.

Not Going For The Gusto

Marc Tracy at The New Republic wants us purists to settle down. But, we're already paying too much for gas, had our benefits slashed at the workplace and haven't seen any trace of the American Dream since 2008. Now we have to accept a watered-down product for the only thing some of us still find some semblance of innocent joy in? Sorry, this ain't NASCAR, Mr. Tracy.

Here's the thing writers like Tracy don't seem to understand. Football aesthetes in the U.S. aren't hoping Joey NASCAR or Johnny WWE take a shine to our game. In fact, we'd rather most of them stay out of the fray.

A sport is either palpable to someone or it isn't. Put away the brass band and the chicanery and the fundamentals are the same no matter who's announcing. Ruppert Murdoch has enough money, no need to force the world's game down soccer-indifferent Americans' throats.

Sons Of Ben and Glenn

In the City of Brotherly Love (where I lived for a decade), the MLS franchise is now thriving. While Philly is a cosmopolitan city with football supporters from all walks of life, it is also a quintessential American enclave, where jingoists like 610 WIP announcer Glenn Macnow often rail against the sport, as noted in this excellent piece from Keith Hickey at KCKRS.

Your humble narrator once called in to Macnow's show to grill him on his hatred of soccer. I mentioned that I had observed Macnow's appreciation for Italian culture and cuisine during his early drive-time slot over the years and promptly told him that real Italians love soccer. Macnow grunted this reply:

"Good thing I'm not a real Italian. Soccer sucks..." Dial tone:

In 2013, we're moving well beyond this type of discourse. Fossils like Macnow are a quiet minority these days. But that Glenn Beck legacy is probably what prompted Fox to bring in a "recognizable voice" in the first place. Football, sorry, soccer, is never going to crack the sporting big-four in the United States.

Are Gus Johnson's dulcet tones going to turn a "boring sport" into an electrifying thrill ride for someone like Macnow?

Certainly not.

Gus Johnson may turn on a few soccer-curious types here in the States, but at what cost? World football is not supposed to sound like American football. Imagine Martin Tyler announcing the Super Bowl, this little rant is child's play compared to the high-water hell NFL fans would summon.

We've been listening to Johnson's hogwash since February, it's over-the-top shock-jock broadcasting that smacks of money-grab. We have to admire a professional being thrown into the deep end, but we don't want to drown along with him:

Basically, we're mad as hell and we're gonna rise and fire until we don't have to take it anymore.