Comparing Each NBA Team to a Rock and Roll Band

In a lot of ways, an NBA team is a lot like a rock band. There's a group of guys who are on tour for most of the year and who have to get along with each other as long as they can, and if they can't there can be dire consequences.

Each team takes the season game by game and tries to leave a lasting legacy on the crowd of basketball fans by making an impact on the season, being entertaining and, obviously, trying to win a championship.

As the year goes along, the band members can change, but the focus of the band usually stays the same and the fans who really love the team will stick by them until they can't take it anymore. Sometimes it's time to call it quits.

So, to figure out the makeup of each team as the season comes to a close, I've found the rock and roll equivalent of each NBA team, which should give off a pretty good vibe of who has a chance at the title this year and who is going to have to look for a new guitarist.

Rock on.

Atlanta Hawks: Boston

Boston isn't a bad band, and they're not a good band either, they're just a slightly listenable generic rock band.

They have a forgettable sound with a bunch of forgettable songs, and while I'm not going to immediately change the radio station if I hear them come on, there's a good chance that I'll check out what's going on on other stations before settling on listening to Boston.

That's like the Atlanta Hawks. They aren't a bad team and they aren't a good team, they're just a basketball team that is slightly entertaining to watch and, in the end, will probably not amount to much this season.

The genericness of Boston reflects that of the Atlanta Hawks with the song "Rock and Roll Band," in which they basically remind people that they are indeed a rock and roll band.

Boston Celtics: The Rolling Stones

Still touring after all these years, and at this point, still sounding pretty good.

The Boston Celtics started out this season in what looked like the shakiest boat of any of the good teams in the NBA, but they started to row in unison and now they have a shot at overtaking the No. 3 seed in the Eastern Conference.

The original trio of Mick Jagger (Paul Pierce), Keith Richards (Kevin Garnett) and Charlie Watts (Ray Allen) are all still there, along with long-time guitarist Ronnie Wood (Rajon Rondo). They've played together so long at this point that there's no way you'll go to see them and come out disappointed. They aren't what they used to be, but hey, they're The Rolling Stones.

Charlotte Bobcats: Creed

There's not much good to say about the Charlotte Bobcats this season, and with just seven wins to their name I don't think I'll stretch my brain too hard to find anything, kind of like Creed.

The Christian-ish rock band reminded everybody of the immortal words of Hank Hill, "Can't you see that you're not making Christianity better, you're just making Rock 'n' Roll worse?"

At this point Michael Jordan isn't making the Charlotte Bobcats better, he's just making basketball worse.

Chicago Bulls: The Who

This one seems to easy to me: The Chicago Bulls are The Who before the death of drummer Keith Moon.

You've got the obvious front man in Roger Daltrey (Derrick Rose), the crazed lunatic of an energy drummer with Moon (Joakim Noah), the underrated all-around great rocker in Pete Townshend (Luol Deng) and the aggressive bassist whose style forces his way to the forefront in John Entwistle (Carlos Boozer).

Let's just hope that Joakim Noah doesn't cram himself full of horse tranquilizers and pass out during the playoffs.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention

At this point in the NBA, Kyrie Irving is almost something of a curiosity. He's a point guard who isn't the uber-athlete like Derrick Rose and Russell Westbrook, but he's also not the extreme floor general like Jason Kidd and Steve Nash were in their heydays (and pretty much still are).

Kyrie is a slasher who can run a team, and he has helped the Cavs to a decent record (compared to last year) this season.

At some point, you have to wonder if there are any other point guards out there like him, which brings me to Frank Zappa. There are few guys in rock history who can claim to be anything like Zappa, who, though his ridiculous songs didn't make him hoards of fans, they did give him a dedicated following.

Dallas Mavericks: Queen

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Dirk Nowitzki finally has a long-overdue ring?

Freddie Mercury and his eccentrically loud, flamboyant style and voice were unparalleled in his day—which is why he's still loved so long after his death—and he matches the brash, unorthodox style of play of the Mavericks big man.

Then the staying power of Brian May and his ability to be relevant long after it seems like he should have fallen back is quite similar to the situation that Jason Kidd is in.

Other than that, the band always had a solid supporting cast who knew where they fit in and what role they should play.

It's just a shame that the team is shutting down Lamar Odom, because we know he's a big fan of fat-bottomed girls.

Denver Nuggets: Metallica

Their fast-paced style of play and overall "kill them with offense" style has come across as brash to some people, but in the end it's working for them and has them in prime position to snag a playoff spot.

The Denver Nuggets have done a great job of altering their team mid-season while not skipping a beat and continuing to run and gun with the best of them.

They are the premier offensive juggernauts in the league today, and they know how to play their style of game to get the best result.

Detroit Pistons: Chickenfoot

Throw a bunch of slimy banana peels, chicken bones and castoffs and throwaways from other meals into a blender and out comes the culinary equivalent of the newish supergroup Chickenfoot.

Sammy Hagar is trying to squeeze every last drop out of his fame along with former Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony, the constantly overrated Joe Satriani and the most replaceable member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, drummer Chad Smith.

This is a band that, just like the Detroit Pistons, needs to throw in the towel and start over from scratch.

Golden State Warriors: Black Sabbath

The original run-and-gun, Nelly-ball team that used fast-paced offense as its strength is starting to fall apart and turn into something different, but they still have that hard rock feel to them.

They run-and-gun all game long, and even though they aren't seeing much in terms of results these days, they still have been a rather entertaining team to watch, as usual.

Houston Rockets: Rush

Rush is an intellectual rock band who made their name with heavy drumming, hard guitars and quirky, sometimes overly-smart lyrics. They knew what they liked to play, and they played it; some people loved it while many others hated it. Still, it's impossible to say that they weren't effective as a band.

The Houston Rockets, meanwhile, are a group of guys who were thrown together by basketball metrics and GM Daryl Morey and get by playing to their strengths and just playing overall smart basketball.

Indiana Pacers: Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

Separately they are four guys who are good singers, songwriters and parts of other great bands, but put them together and you've got a dangerous folk-singing supergroup.

If I had to label the top four guys on the Pacers, Danny Granger is Neil Young, a good, yet possibly slightly overrated solo act; David West is David Crosby, a huge part of The Byrds; Roy Hibbert is Stephen Stills, a former member of the solid folk band Buffalo Springfield; and Paul George is Graham Nash, a former member of the quirky Brit band The Hollies.

Together they form a team of musicians who fit well together and aren't just mashed in together to play songs and strike fear into the hearts of the Eastern Conference.

Los Angeles Clippers: KISS

Let me get this off my chest up front: I hate KISS, but I can't really say that I hate the Los Angeles Clippers, although there are some obvious similarities between the two.

Both rely on flash over substance to get people to look at them and consider them to be successful in their respective fields. You see Blake Griffin on SportsCenter eight times a day and DeAndre Jordan blocking shots into the crowd just as much as you'd see KISS putting on a show over putting on a concert.

Think about it, how many KISS songs can the average person name after "Rock 'n' Roll All Night" and "Detroit Rock City"? Odds are most people will give you a blank stare.

Los Angeles Lakers: Pink Floyd

Here we've got an amazing, psychedelic band who's always trying new things as they go along, led by Roger Waters. However, the band's early success depending on the brash, unpredictable Syd Barrett.

Barrett, comparable to Andrew Bynum, was constantly a question on any given night due to his erratic behavior and his constantly fleeting nature, leading to the band kicking him out and replacing him with David Gilmour pretty seamlessly.

I don't want to say that Dwight Howard is David Gilmour, but he might fit pretty well with this team.

Memphis Grizzlies: Lynard Skynyrd

The Memphis Grizzlies play a mean, punch-you-in-the-mouth style of basketball that just has a good down home feel to it.

The best defensive team in the Western Conference will not hesitate to explode on the offensive end from time to time, but the Grizzlies know their biggest strength is stopping the ball.

I'd have to equate defense with Southern rock, and why not go ahead and give them the title of being the greatest Southern rock band out there.

Plus, it's fun to imagine Marc Gasol cuttin' a rug down at a place called the Jug with a girl named Linda-Lou.

Miami Heat: The Beatles

I really hated the "Heatles" nickname when it first came out, but at the end of the day it seems like there's no way that this title doesn't make sense.

Everywhere they go, people cram stadiums to see them, shouting this and that at them and inevitably creating controversy with what they say.

Between the two of them, LeBron James and Dwyane Wade are John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison, but I'm not sure how to dole out the credit there. The only thing I know for sure is that there's no doubt that Chris Bosh is Ringo Starr.

Milwaukee Bucks: Guns N' Roses

As individuals you can point out the flaws in Axl Rose and Slash. Axl Rose has a whining, crooning voice that begs too much to be compared to Robert Plant while Slash can be overbearing and too drawn-out for a guitarist from an '80s hair band, but together they're great fun.

Obviously this comparison has Monta Ellis as Slash and Brandon Jennings as Axl Rose. It seems like both duos shouldn't have been able to co-exist, what with Jennings and Ellis demanding 40 shots between the two of them and Axl and Slash demanding more attention from the world than it can realistically give, but somehow it works out.

Minnesota Timberwolves: The Allman Brothers Band

The Allman Brothers Band is held together by the vocals and songwriting of Gregg Allman, but what really made them a special band was Duane Allman's immaculate work with the guitar, namely the slide, one of the most difficult guitars to really stand out with. 

Kevin Love is Gregg Allman, the vocal leader of the team while Ricky Rubio was Duane, the guy that made the band special and fun. However, after Duane died (Rubio tore his ACL) in a motorcycle accident, they just weren't the same; they lost that flare.

New Jersey Nets: The Doors

The Doors are a fine band, they're nice to listen to from time-to-time, but they can also become an overbearing slew of Jim Morrison crooning and an organ blaring in your ear. Still, they're a nice band with a lot of merit.

However, take away Jim Morrison and you get "Other Voices," the band's first album after Morrison's death. This is an album that you listen to and respect the guys for trying, but in the end there's nothing to really attach yourself to without Morrison.

If Deron Williams, who is the Nets' Morrison, decides to leave this summer, one can hardly expect to see their other voices become a smashing hit.

New Orleans Hornets: Nickelback

There's no amount of money in the world you could pay me to go to a Nickelback concert; they are the epitome of why rock music is in shambles today.

Likewise, the New Orleans Hornets (through no fault of the players) are a prime example of what's not working right in the NBA today. There is very little entertainment value in the Hornets just as there is very little rock value in that Canadian band.

New York Knicks: Van Halen

Think about it, what other team has two bona fide superstars only to have one of them leave and have another guy come in and garner his own following?

In this case, Eddie Van Halen has got to be Amar'e Stoudemire, the original member of the Knicks while David Lee Roth is Carmelo Anthony, the on-again, off-again singer for the band. That makes, you guessed it, Jeremy Lin as Sammy Hagar while Tyson Chandler sits in the back as Alex Van Halen beating away on the drums.

The team goes through so much turmoil that they're in the tabloids almost as much as Van Halen has been over the years; let's just hope there's no crazy breakup coming soon.

Orlando Magic: Genesis

A listenable band turns into a crappy bunch of musicians if the lead singer leaves, and as that lead singer leaves to pursue a single career, he starts to look worse than before.

Of course, in this situation Dwight Howard is the incomparable Phil Collins, who sits bopping away on his drums while schmoozing out lyrics to the crowd's delight. And while Genesis seems like a decent band, Phil Collins still comes across as a bit arrogant.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Led Zeppelin

Chew on this one for a second: we've got the obvious Jimmy Page in Kevin Durant who started with the team back when they were the Seattle Supersonics as Page did with the Yardbirds. Then there's Russell Westbrook as Robert Plant, the amazing singer and sharer of the spotlight.

Accompanying those two are John Paul Jones who comes in as an underrated bassist as James Harden and John Bonham, whose drumming was so wicked that he's both Serge Ibaka and Kendrick Perkins.

They were called The New Yardbirds originally, but their sound was so different than that of the old Yardbirds that they changed it to Led Zeppelin.

Let's see if they can put this season together to form a hit, or if they'll end up producing another CODA.

Philadelphia 76ers: The Sex Pistols

The Sex Pistols started off to a burning hot start back in 1975, but the full formation of the band only stuck around for three years before finally disbanding, followed soon by the death of Sid Vicious.

There's no way of getting around the fact that The Sex Pistols were the grandfather of mainstream punk rock, but their fizzle came so quickly that there's no way to tell exactly what they could have done should they have stayed together.

Phoenix Suns: Prince and the Revolution

It's got to be the highlight of my day when I get to compare Steve Nash to Prince.

Obviously, if you're going to a Phoenix Suns game you're there to see Steve Nash, just as you're there to see Prince and not the rest of The Revolution.

There are some good, captivating members of The Revolution, but Prince is the immaculate guitarist and the ridiculously entertaining singer. Nobody can steal attention away from that.

Portland Trail Blazers: AC/DC

The Portland Trail Blazers got the worst news possible when they lost who would have been their Bon Scott in Brandon Roy before the season started. An entire dynamic of their team was gone.

However, they haven't lost hope on a future as their very own Brian Johnson has come in in the form of LaMarcus Aldridge to give them a focal point of the team.

I haven't decided if Angus Young is Wesley Matthews or Nic Batum, I suppose it all depends on who I want to see duck walk in short shorts.

Sacramento Kings: Smashing Pumpkins

Not everybody got the Smashing Pumpkins when they first started out, and even more people outright hated them, but they stuck around and eventually became a rather historic band.

The interesting combination of Billy Corgan and James Iha showed off songs riddled with spooky solos from every instrument they could get their hands on, and at the end of the day half the people found it entertaining while the other half were left looking at what they thought to be a train wreck.

San Antonio Spurs: The Band

The Band was a group of individuals who came together to create music for the sake of music with no one member ever really becoming bigger than the band itself.

It's for that reason that not many people remember the band as an eclectic music group, but for those people who do, they remember The Band as one of the greatest contributors to folk and roots rock in the world.

They may not have been flashy and they may not have wowed crowds with crazy guitar solos and performances, but The Band was a damn fine band.

Toronto Raptors: The Cars

What started as a group looking to take over some work in the New Wave movement led to more of a bubblegum pop-rock band as the years went along.

There was never much substance to The Cars to begin with, but what there was went out the window as the '80s came along, and they were either too poppy or too dull to really do much in terms of creating a legacy.

Perhaps once the Raptors bring in Jonas Valanciunas, they'll move up on the list and have some impact on the league. 

Utah Jazz: Pearl Jam

The Utah Jazz are a team that has a slew of hardcore, dedicated fans who stick by their team and ridicule anyone who comes into their arena and gives them beef. Much like the hoards of Pearl Jam fans out there, Jazz fans are some of the most dedicated to their team.

However, comparisons don't stop there. Pearl Jam is one of those '90s grunge-turned experimental rock bands that has stuck around for two decades and outlasted even the harshest naysayers' criticism.

What has really kept them around for this long has been their willingness to adapt, yet stick to their musical core, just like the Jazz have been able to adapt the team to the players who are on their roster, yet still play decent defense and effective offense to get the job done. 

Washington Wizards: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

While I can't say I enjoy the musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen, who comes across as no better than John Mellencamp to me, I do appreciate his contribution to the musical world.

Springsteen and his band tour the world in a seemingly endless run, going from state to state as the 40 and 50-somethings flock to hear him sing about past times and patriotism to seemingly similar tunes.

There's not much to the E Street Band, and everybody knows that the real draw is Bruce, who in this case is obviously John Wall.