Open Mike Monday: USMNT, Clint Dempsey, Sepp Blatter and Andre Villas-Boas

Welcome to the first edition of what's (hopefully) about to be a weekly feature here at B/R.

It's called Open Mike Monday, and here's how it works: I'm the Mike from the title, and I have lots of opinions about world football. Every Monday morning, I'll share them right here, presumably in entertaining and clever ways.

What do you have to do? As little or as much as you like. You can read along if you want, and afterwards you can ignore me, agree with me or tell me how crazy I am. It's your call.

Ready? Let's get this party started.

Follow me on Twitter @MikeCummings37

Best All-Time Win That Didn't Actually Mean All That Much

We Americans aren't too hard to figure out. Basically, here's the skinny.

All of us—really, every last one—are cowboys who drive around in our gas-guzzling SUVs, so we can eat too much fast food before we go home to watch awful reality TV. Now that we have all that clear, let's clear up another misconception:

We Americans really, really like to win. Like, for real.

Here's the problem, though: For a country that's not accustomed to losing wars, it's jarring to have a national team that loses to everyone. And that's part of the reason why we've been acting like such fools about last week's 1-0 victory over Italy (in Italy!).

Seriously, until Wednesday, Team USA had never beaten Italy, ever, in any senior international match.

No matter. Cue Jozy Altidore, who in the 55th conjured his best impression of what Emile Heskey was supposed to do all those years for England—holding up a long pass in the box and laying it off for Clint Dempsey. The Deuce obliged, letting loose an unstoppable low shot to the far post past Gianluigi Buffon.

Gianluigi Buffon! How about that? Suddenly we're beating teams with guys like Gianluigi Buffon (granted he's 34 now) and Andrea Pirlo and Thiago Motta—in their house. Unbelievable.

And yet, it didn't actually mean much. No league points were on the line, and the win didn't qualify Jurgen Klinsmann's team for anything. In fact, if the same teams play in two years at the World Cup, Italy would probably win.

After all, the US has also beaten Brazil and Spain within the last 15—and neither victory led to the highly anticipated American takeover of the world's game. Even so, beating Italy in Italy is cause for celebration, and the result will surely give the players a new sense of confidence against European powers.

Along the way we might have even found a new left back in Fabian Johnson.

How will Klinsi and company follow all that up?

Best American Abroad

Here's the thing about that Dempsey goal: It was kinda "meh" by his standards this season.

For comparison, check out what he did against Wolves over the weekend or against Newcastle earlier this season. With those goals against Wolves, the 28-year-old Dempsey (the big 2-9 comes this week) now has 12 league goals on the season and 18 in all competitions.

Clearly, the Deuce has gotten loose. So loose, in fact, that he's the best American playing abroad right now.

With apologies to Chievo Verona's Michael Bradley, the shortlist has only two names: Dempsey and AZ Alkmaar's Jozy Altidore, who also scored again over the weekend.

Coincidentally, those two combined for the winning goal against Italy. So, on second thought, maybe that Italy game does mean something after all.

Best News for American Fans Hoping for a FIFA Redo

Here's a question while we're on the subject of Americans. Did anyone else get a little too excited after reading this article?

Apparently Brazil's World Cup preparations have included a lot of emphasis on winning the tournament but not too much on hosting the dang thing.

FIFA and Creepy Uncle Sepp are not pleased.

So, does that mean FIFA could actually strip Brazil of the World Cup? Probably not. Brazil is a big enough—and important enough—footballing country that you really don't want to tick them off. And I'm pretty sure the world would rally around them if someone actually proposed moving the event elsewhere.

So that also means I'm probably an idiot for dreaming—if only for a millisecond—that the United States could jump in, a la Mexico '86, and take over hosting duties at the last moment (actually, it was more like three years in advance for Mexico, once Colombia was ruled out).

Anyway, I can daydream, right?

Best News All Week, Period

This doesn't even seems possible. FIFA president Sepp Blatter is now saying he's in favor of goal-line technology.

Uh, OK Sepp. That's not what you said two years ago when this happened. Why the sudden change?

Alas, not everyone is on board. German legend Franz Beckenbauer (for obvious reasons) and French legend Michel Platini (probably just because he's French and thus likes being ornery) are reportedly against it.

Forget them, I say. Their views are as antiquated as this guy's.

Least Surprising News

Chelsea and their billionaire owner Roman Abramovich fired first-year manager Andre Villas-Boas on Sunday to the surprise of absolutely nobody.

Everyone had an opinion. Some were thoughtful, measured and analytical. Others were less so.

This much seems clear: By Saturday afternoon, AVB had given up. With his team trailing West Brom 1-0 in the closing minutes, he subbed on Raul Meireles. The move was so nonsensical it almost felt cynical.

Seriously, had SkyNet become self-aware by that point?

We might find out some day when AVB publishes the inevitable tell-all book (and then disappears to the Gulag two days later). For now, though, being Chelsea's manager is the worst dream-job on the planet.

Least Surprising Sucker Punch

Tottenham Hotspur dominated possession throughout the first half of their match against Manchester United on Sunday. Spurs even put the ball in the back of the net in the 37th minute only to have the goal ruled out for a handball.

What happened eight minutes later was as expected as it was damaging to Tottenham's title chances.

Wayne Rooney popped up in the six-yard box on a corner to flick home a header for the opening goal. United hadn't threatened at all until then—they hadn't seen enough of the ball—but afterwards Spurs were all but done.

United, of course, went on to win 3-1, making the title run-in a two-horse race.

Dang it, though. United have been doing stuff like this for decades, and it just doesn't seem fair.

I'm sure their fans love it, and in all honesty, I'm probably just jealous. But for real: Everything always goes United's way, and, well, maybe that's because they're that good.

B/R's Will Tidey called it the "champion gene," and I'm inclined to agree. Ruthlessness in front of goal and the ability to win when second-best are crucial ingredients for any title quest.

Just don't expect me to feign excitement when United pip City to the title. You know it's happening.

Even Less Surprising Record-Breaking Performance

Manchester City beat Bolton 2-0 at the Etihad on Saturday. With the win, City broke Newcastle United's record of 13 straight home wins to start a season.

Yipee.

Come on. It was Bolton. This was bound to happen.

That's not meant to demean City's achievement. They've been nearly invincible at home all season. In fact, only Arsenal and Spurs have managed to keep it close at the Etihad.

Everyone else has lost by two goals or more. Bolton weren't going to change that. Few could.

But I'm calling it now: United will do the job in April's title-decider at the Etihad.

Best New In-Game Game

While Arsenal were busy coming from behind to beat Liverpool 2-1 at Anfield, midfielder Yossi Benayoun was busy doing…well, something only he knows.

Actually, I forgot Benayoun was on the pitch most of the time. You probably did too, and that's why from now on, whenever Benayoun plays for Arsenal, you've got a mini-game to keep you occupied during lulls in the action.

It's called, "Where's Yossi?" and here's how it works. (h/t to @KHALIDKhan91)

(1) Pick up a Where's Waldo game.

(2) Find Waldo.

(3) Repeat with any Arsenal game that "features" Yossi Benayoun.

It's perfect. Arsenal even wear red and white (most of the time).

In seriousness, Arsenal's midfield was already thin before Mikel Arteta's injury. Benayoun really needs to improve.

Most Unstoppable Striker

While we're on the subject of Arsenal, it's time to mention Robin van Persie's latest achievements.

The 28-year-old Dutch striker scored two more goals for Arsenal over the weekend. First, he hit Liverpool with an out-of-nowhere equalizer. Then he bagged an even-more-out-of-nowhere winner in second-half stoppage time.

As unstoppable as RvP is these days, he might not even be the most in-form striker in Europe. For now, I'm giving the slight edge to AC Milan's Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who scored a stunning hat trick over the weekend against Palermo.

That makes 16 goals in the 30-year-old Swede's last 16 appearances in all competitions. Not bad.

It's a shame Arsenal fell so far behind in the first leg of their Champions League Last 16 tie with AC Milan. This week's return leg could have been a barn burner.

Most Insane Title Race

Who wants to win the Eredivisie?

Six teams are bunched together within five points of each other at the top of the table in Holland. AZ Alkmaar took over the top spot after FC Twente (second place) beat former leaders PSV Eindhoven 6-2 on Sunday.

Who knew Steve McLaren had it in him, huh? Since rejoining the club on Jan. 5, the former England manager has led Twente to seven wins in eight matches while outscoring opponents 24-7.

This race will go down to the wire.