7 Classic Football Cliches You'll Hear 100 Times This Season
Football is literally a game of two halves.
Amidst the kicking of a ball and the winning of matches, clichés are being used to describe the on-pitch events.
Which repetitious quotes will continue to enter your brain throughout the season?
Will Sky Sports' Jamie Redknapp spurt all of them across the coming campaign?
Let's take a look.
"He's Got a Good Touch for a Big Man."
Modern-day giants such as Stoke City's Peter Crouch are the natural descendants of English folklore.
Somewhere down the line, his ancestor awaited the arrival of a young boy named Jack. Upon Jack's arrival, Grandad Crouch recited a rhyme that would be known to all:
"Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!"
As the legend goes, the giant lets Jack escape from his grasp with a pocket full of gold. This is printed as "Ye haveth baddeth touch for a lumbering oaf," thus producing the legend that big men let simple targets slip.
Crouch is the type of player who has killed this myth. Regularly trapping the ball to perfection, he is as calm, gentle and loving as the BFG.
The Big Football Giant.
"The Noisy Neighbours..."
Sir Alex Ferguson may have retired, but that won't stop reminiscing commentators using his previous quips for inspiration.
After every Manchester United loss or Manchester City win, someone will unimaginatively remember the moment Fergie dismissed the ability of the Sky Blue side of Manchester. Unfortunately, this analogy doesn't remain poignant, as City's recent FA Cup and Premier League victories have seen them become contenders for all domestic prizes.
Unless, of course, you consider the £98 million spent by the club this summer. If the Etihad is to enjoy a partying season of victories, that kind of cash would have United fans ironically banging on their neighbours' door out of disapproval.
Sticking with the former Manchester United manager, "Fergie Time" is going nowhere.
Every time the Red Devils need a late goal or net an injury-time winner, the well-established phrase will be ticked off the cliché list, even though David Moyes is now the Old Trafford boss.
"Moyes' Minutes" sounds like a quickfire news bulletin rather than the latter stages of a football match. If we're sticking to alliteration, perhaps "David's Duration" would fit.
"The Next Goal Is the Most Important."
Manchester United are 3-1 up at Swansea City with 10 minutes to go.
Despite looking decent in defence, the commentator claims that "the next goal is the most important." Although this makes sense in terms of momentum—a goal either way would kill the game or spur Swansea on—this analysis couldn't be further from the truth.
If the game finished 3-2, the goal wouldn't matter. As it finished 4-1, the goal didn't matter. For want of a better description, the most important goals are actually the ones that go in and change a result.
"We Gave 110 Percent."
The web definition of "100 percent" is as follows: complete, entire, whole.
Nothing can go beyond this all-encompassing measurement of effort, score or grade.
Footballers regularly claim they gave 110 percent, thus defying the logic of mathematics. If a player gave 100 percent—everything their body can muster—we'd have people fainting on the pitch and turning into dust out of sheer tiredness.
Perhaps this is why many Premier League representatives earn ludicrous amounts of money. If they constantly exceed the possibilities of the human body, as they claim, their witchcraft deserves to earn envious sums of dosh.
Can this skill transfer to the players' private lives? Does Fernando Torres drive through his children's school window when dropping them off to class? Will John Terry go the extra mile to make his teammates' wives feel important?
Actually, don't answer that.
"We've Reached the Business End of the Season."
The "business end" of the season is typically mentioned as the campaign heads towards its final run of games.
This is, quite literally, not the business end of the season. In fact, it is the only time of the season in which no business can be carried out.
The summer transfer window is at the beginning of the yearly schedule. This is followed by the January transfer window, slotted into the season's centre. Business is exclusively completed during these two periods of time, although somebody should probably call Arsene Wenger to let him know.
"Could He Do It on a Wet and Windy Wednesday in Stoke?"
Quite often, world-class talents such as Lionel Messi are not considered the best because they haven't performed in the Premier League.
"Could he do it on a wet and windy Wednesday in Stoke?"
Yes, yes he could.
Jonathan "Spoon Foot" Walters can do it on a Wednesday night in Stoke (unless it's a penalty). Do you really think the Argentinian maestro would have trouble skipping around Ryan Shawcross in the pouring rain?
The Britannia awaits, at the end of the day.
Which clichés are you looking forward to hearing throughout the season? Post your favourites below and be sure to hit me up on Twitter: