Embarassing Blunder Leaves Yankees Red-Faced

Recently I had an embarrassing misunderstanding with—get this—the New York Yankees.

As a lifelong Indians fan, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered a voice mail on my cell phone from Yanks general manager Brian Cashman.

Initially I assumed Indians GM Mark Shapiro put Cashman up to this, surely fed up with receiving my annual “Christmas wish list,” which includes just one item—a World Series victory.

Turns out, Shapiro played no part in Cashman’s attempt to contact me. When I returned the call I was connected directly with the Yankees top decision-maker, who promptly offered me a two-year contract worth $3.8 million!

After slipping outside to euphorically sprint a celebratory lap around my apartment complex, I returned inside only to have reality smack me in the face like a banana cream pie, only not nearly as funny.

"I haven’t played organized baseball since I was 12 years old!" I thought to myself.

"Surely I wouldn’t be of much value to a professional baseball team seeking to challenge for the American League pennant!"

Once again I phoned “Cash”—the nickname by which he affectionately suggested I refer to him—to explain that not only was I not a major-league caliber outfielder, but that I would be fortunate to lock down the fourth outfielder slot on my company softball team.

What happened next can only be described as good old-fashioned tomfoolery between a couple of guys.

After 15 minutes of sharing uproarious laughter and even a few tears, I finally discovered the mystery behind my contract offer.

Apparently after doling out more than $400 million in less than two weeks to pitchers CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, and slugger Mark Teixeira, the Yankees had simply gotten completely carried away and began offering absurd contracts to baseball players few people had even heard of. Or such was the case with me, offering an absurd contract to a non-baseball player whom nobody had heard of.

In hindsight, could I have milked the Yankees for a few million dollars while producing little in return like everybody else does? Of course.

Am I glad I turned the offer down if for no other reason, to spare myself intense public humiliation and scorn? Of course.

Besides, I have to be honest, I felt insulted by the signing bonus.