Joe Mauer, Third Baseman?: The Columnist at the Coffee Shop

Young Enthusiastic Blogger (YEB) was walking into a local coffee shop when he spied Portly Old Scribe (POS) working through a full plate of pastries. 

 

POS was an affable fellow well known in the sports journalism world, and YEB had made his acquaintance through a number of chance meetings.

 

YEB grabbed his coffee, picked up a bear claw for POS, and asked to sit down.

 

POS: "You can have a seat—but it's gonna cost you that bear claw."

 

YEB: "I think I can live without it."  YEB pushed the plate over to POS, who immediately started in on his target. "I was wondering, POS—you haven't written a word about the the idea of moving Joe Mauer over to third base."

POS: "Yuth shtuphith blothehrs aur aww aglithke."

POS was still working on the bear claw.

YEB: "You know, you can go ahead and swallow before answering my question."

POS wiped his face with his sleeve and guzzled a cup of coffee before continuing.

POS: "I said all you stupid bloggers are all alike.  I've been hearing this nonsense about Joe Mauer moving to third base or DH for two years now.  As long as he can catch, he should catch."

YEB: "But haven't you seen the numbers from Baseball Prospectus showing that large catchers don't fare well over long careers? And what about the Bill James studies showing that the average catcher has five fewer offensively-productive seasons than other position players?  Is keeping Joe Mauer behind the plate because he has a good arm worth losing five years of the best offensive output in baseball?"

POS: "Bah, hogwash.  Joe will be fine.  I'm sure the next thing you're going to do is bore me with some stat that predicts who will win the World Series in 2042.  Numbers ain't everything in baseball—Joe's got heart and that's all it takes."

YEB: "He's also had knee surgery and recently took some time off for a repetitive-stress injury to a bone in his leg.  I have plenty of heart too—but I'm not going to pick a fight with an NFL lineman and hope "heart" gets me through alive.  I don't know why you're so skeptical of Sabermetrics."

POS: "Because Sabermetrics is voodoo.  You think you can understand the game with numbers and you spend hours coming up with new stats to prove your strange little theories.  Baseball is real—numbers are fake." 

POS had finished off another cup of coffee, half of which he spilled on his shirt, and somehow produced half a plate of fried chicken.

YEB: "Where the hell did you get that chicken from?  They don't serve chicken here..."

POS: "Oh, these are leftovers from my trip to Chicago."

YEB: "That's a little disturbing...but anyway: Numbers are real.  Math isn't some abstract philosophy; it's a concrete science that helps us understand the world.  The math used in Sabermetrics is just as valid as the math used in sociology or psychology.  It takes a bit of learning—but anyone can get the basics.  Sabermetricians add a lot to people's understanding of baseball.  Plus, it's fun."

POS: "Yeah right.  The average person ain't gonna get your nonsense.  Give me RBI's and batting average.  I've been writing about sports for 40 years—I know what the people are gonna understand.  You bloggers are the ones who don't get it:  It takes experience and training to write about sports."

YEB: "Please, you went to college for four years to learn how to write at an eighth grade level.  You feed people dumbed-down frivolities.  It's an aristocracy.  You've got credibility based only on the reputation of your employer.  It's like the nobility of Europe—it has nothing to do with achievement.  Achievement for you is just pumping out mediocre material for decades on end."

POS: "Piffle."

YEB: "Well, say what you will—I guess the people themselves will decide who they want to trust. By the way, I just heard your paper's circulation was down another ten percent this...What the?  Where did you get that cake?"

POS: "I thaved ith fromth do ofther day."

YEB got up to leave.

YEB: "Have fun in your ivory tower...while it lasts."

POS: "Hey, uh, could you help me out of this chair before you leave? I appear to be stuck."

Patrick Ruesse played an important role in the development of this column.