The Top Ten Most Annoying Things About The NFL

The curmudgeonly Chicago columnist Mike Royko used to say the bleakest part of winter was a wonderful time to drink, brood, and write down all the things that bother you about people, places, and things.

So, in a salute to the NFL's seasons end and the coming solstice, here's a list of the things that annoy me most about the NFL:

1] Greed.

How much does the NFL have to fleece the fans?

Personal Seat Licenses were the single most greed-soaked, evil idea in the history of sport.

Buy a license to own the right to buy over-priced tickets?

PT Barnum would be proud because he knew every crowd has a silver lining, but how much is too much?

Must we buy the tickets to the pathetic exhibition games? Must we pay exorbitant fees to park, eat, drink, or purchase merchandise at the park? Average fans are being priced right out of the ball park.

The final smack in the fan's faces is that many of the stadiums are being built with taxpayer money, taxpayer paid infrastructure upgrades, and sweet, taxpayer backed loans to raise funds for the football fun.

That was all great before our Gatsby bubble broke. Times have changed and we need all our spare tax change.

As cities and states slash funds in vital real-life areas such as police force, firefighters, education, transit, and medical care, can they still afford to subsidize the NFL's greed?

It's coming to the point that when greedy teams threaten to leave, cities are going to say "go, please go."

2] Endlessly interrupted games.

Must every fumble and touchdown be reviewed? Must the endless reviews take so long?

Does the NFL really need the game-interrupting revenue from the never-ending television timeouts? Do they need all those commercials?

How many times must we see the advertisement with Tom Cruise in his movie Nazi play suit?

Must the game be stopped so much?

3] Obnoxious players and fans

Do players need to pack a hundred grand in gold and a gun around town before a game? Do Detroit Lion players have the right to flip off fans? Shouldn't Lion players be giving game checks back?

Must fans stand the entire game? Especially in front of kids? Must they treat opposing fans like vicious enemies? Must we all evolve downward into Philadelphia Eagles fans circa Veterans Stadium 1988?

4] Non stop babbling announcers

Last week, Hall of Famer Gale Sayers tried to make a point about selfish players celebrating after every tackle, run, and catch. As Sayers tried to state his point on the "look at me, me, ME!" culture in the NFL, he was drowned out by the guffawing, haw haw hawing, and babbling of the NFL Network hosts.

The ultimate selfish "look at me man," Deion Sanders, was sitting with Sayers, and erupted with his endless chatter while the other announcers at the table all began laughing and babbling at once about Deion and his antics.

Must every announcer try to have a rapier wit every time they utter a word? Must they laugh hilariously at their own jokes? Must they all talk at once? Can they actually form coherent sentences from cognizant thoughts which deal with the game at hand?

Can the back-slapping and inside "wink, wink, haw, haw" jokes be kept at a minimum? Can the over-bearing ESPN cultured be tamed, or at least or toned down?

I doubt it. We have been "Deoin-ed."

5. The "Look at Me" Players doing the "Look at Me" Dance after every play.

This is a symptom of the ESPN disease.

You tackle a running back after he gained five yards on first down—Do the dance.

You catch a four-yard pass on third down and three—Dance, dance, dance.

You sack the quarterback—Don't look for the fumble just thump dance, thump dance, thump dance and look for the camera.

You tackle the kick returner on the forty yard line, then do the thump, thump, thump-the-chest, fist pump, pump, pump dance.

You happen to score a touchdown—Do the celebration, thump, wiggle, dance, even if your losing by three touchdowns.

Extra credit for defensive players who are being hammered by the opponents but still celebrate after each tackle even while losing 38-3 in the fourth quarter.

That's just how they roll.

6] Thanking the Lord loudly for every play

Can't you thank him quietly? In the privacy of your mind? Or locker-room, or home?

Must it be a public spectacle of chest thumping, skyward gazes, end-zone kneeling, and post-game blathering about God making you his personal touchdown project.

Hey Rube, in case you missed it, the Lord has a lot of things on his plate these days. I doubt if he really takes the time to make sure his special football millionaire pet throws for four touchdowns against the pathetic St Louis Rams.

7] Poor officiating

So the NFL doesn't want to pay for full-time zebras, but can they at least send them to referee school so the game-to-game calls have some degree of uniformity?

Can't each crew call holding and pass interference in at similar ways?

Can't each crew know the rules? Can't each crew be competent?

8] The same media talking points pounded to death weekly

Each week, it feels like the networks get a memo telling them to concentrate on this point, or that, and that's all we hear all day long. It seems as if each individual game has a programmed set of usually boring talking points.

How about some original content?

Enough Terrell Owens tales. Please, we all have received our share of his wisdom and the Dallas Cowboy ways.

No more Brett Favre "will he, or won't he" retirement stories.

And please, please no more Plaxico drama in 2008.

9] The Sideline Reporter

What do they add, except another interruption to the game?

Okay, occasionally the priceless "Kiss Me Susie" Joe Namath moments make the reporters worthwhile, but what else are they besides eye candy?

The flow of the game is stopped and started so much as it is. Must we really take yet another break from the action to find out its cold on the field, or that some deranged linebacker got a wacko haircut?

10] Free Agency

Before the advent of unfettered free agency, fans had a better connection to their teams because many of the players played on the same teams for years.

Now, each year, the players mingle and move throughout the league.

Not only does this hurt the fan base, but it makes the game a poorer product.

Offensive lines need years to meld.

Quarterbacks and receivers played better when they were together for years.

Defensive front sevens were more cohesive and daunting when playing beside each other for years.

Not to stiff the players, but can't the NFL add salary cap incentives for teams that sign veteran players? Perhaps they can pay less to the rookies and allow more for veterans on developing teams.

The Fearsome Foursome. The Steel Curtain. The Purple People Eaters.

You don't find groups like that anymore.

All would have been split up as each individual sought more.

And what of old Royko? What would he say?

We need him now. With Governor Blago and the Bears dominating Chicago, the old man would have had a ball.