Grading John Cena's Commercials
Love him or hate him, John Cena is currently a major fixture in the world of WWE.
His popularity and good guy image has gotten him a number of gigs as a product's spokesman. Cena has been asked to sell sandwiches, razors, video games, energy drinks and voting.
In these commercials, he raps, shouts and wrestles to vie for our attention.
How well does he do? Is his acting in these better than what he did in The Marine?
It's time to hand him grades on his performance in each of his ads.
Stacker 2 YJ Stinger
Most folks haven't heard of the energy drink Stacker 2 YJ Stinger.
Made by NVE Pharmaceuticals, this cough-syrup tasting drink partly pinned their hopes on John Cena's goofy rapping.
Cena spits such cringe-worthy rhymes as, "It'll pump adrenaline like a giant machine, man." In front of a lime green screen, Cena makes a number of unintentional silly faces.
He gets points for at least seeming enthusiastic about a drink that comes in horrendously-named flavors like Enraged Raspberry and Sinful Citrus. What is sinful about citrus?
The commercial comes in a different version for each flavor.
Jersey watch: He goes with the Doug Williams creamsicle Buccaneers jersey here.
You may not recognize John Cena without his jorts and with this Russian movie villain haircut, but that is in fact him doing an ad for Gold’s Gym.
They ask two things of Mr. Cena.
One, that he pose with his bulging muscles in front of a mirror. Two, that he be a goofball. He is quite capable of both of those feats.
The ad moves quickly and Cena is funny here. It is, however, unsettling to see him grease himself up.
Unfortunately for Cena, he was handed a terrible script and told to say the lines without making a fool of himself. I don't know if Morgan Freeman could have pulled this off.
With gems like,"It's a tough game, life," what was he supposed to do?
It's also weird that he's in the middle of a pick-up basketball game where, after missing a shot, he just walks off the court. See if we pick you again, Cena.
Jersey watch: He's sporting an Allan Houston Knicks jersey in this one.
Day of Reckoning
Clips of GameCube's Day of Reckoning flash on the screen as we get serenaded by the Doctor of Thuganomics.
His rap here is far better than the YJ Stinger one, which isn't saying much.
Just remember, he's got moves so hot he'll light up your joystick.
The song is somewhat catchy and works well with the video game clips. He tries too hard to appear tough, though, which takes this down a notch.
Jersey watch: He's wearing quite a few different jerseys in this one, including a fantastic-looking retro Astros one.
Why are NASCAR drivers beating up on John Cena? I think the ad is telling us that it's because they had a great shave in the morning.
Certainly the logic is lacking in this commercial, as is good acting. Neither the racing folks nor Cena stand out on camera here.
Cena haters may enjoy seeing him getting tossed around and dropkicked through a table.
Warning: Cena's weird laugh at the tail end of this may creep you out like seeing Stephen King's It peering at you through a sewer grate.
Cena wants some kid's Subway sandwich. The kid won't give it up, not even for a John Cena t-shirt.
Why is Cena surprised? The kid thought so poorly of "the Champ" that he preferred to sit in the hallway alone than watch his match.
Cena is decently charismatic here and not overly goofy. The ad's simplicity makes it charming rather than in your face. Plus, that sandwich in the small hands of that kid looks awfully big.
At the end of the ad, Cena isn't doing too well in a Falls-Count-Anywhere Handicap match.
SmackDown vs. Raw
The commercial for this edition of the SmackDown vs. Raw video game focuses more on a teenager and his created wrestlers than the real wrestlers that appear.
Kelly Kelly and Kofi Kingston make cameos, while John Cena pops out from behind a newspaper, overeager.
What exactly is the look that Cena gives the mom? Is that seduction or heartburn?
The last shot is unsettling. Cena is supposed to be a boy scout, not stealing people's wives.
If you are the type of fan that finds Cena’s "trying-too-hard-to-be-liked" smile nauseating, then this ad might be hard to watch.
He spends nearly the entire 30 seconds with a goofy grin on.
When you think of Vince McMahon's rivals, Cena is not the first person to come to mind. So this pairing destined for a chair shot is an odd choice.
Overall, this ad is pretty mediocre.
Say what you want about Cena's five moves of doom or his choice of shorts, one thing he's undeniably good at it is working out.
It makes perfect sense then to have him hock some performance beverage while lifting weights.
He's not asked to act, which he’s not exactly adept at, but instead told to pump iron and speak loudly. Cena is skilled at both of those tasks.
He actually sounds convincing when he says the protein shakes taste great.
John Cena's greatest asset and sometimes his biggest detriment is his frenzied energy. Gillette found a way to use it perfectly.
They asked him to destroy some bathrooms, scare some business guys and yell a lot.
He showed he can do all of that with great enthusiasm. He's much better at volume than actual acting, and the end result here is a funny commercial that repeats the product name so much it's bound to stick in your head.
Must shave with Proglide…