Defending WWE: Why You Always Sound Dumb Explaining Your Love for Wrestling

Well it's official...this guy is officially attending WrestleMania 28 in Miami along with, of course, my friend and girlfriend. The plan is to road trip it from New Hampshire to Miami (approx. 1,500 miles aka 24 hours away) in the process keeping a running diary of all the shenanigans that are bound to take place along the way, as well as documenting the WrestleMania live experience. You can look forward to Gullo's running diary of WrestleMania in roughly...five months.

Now that that's out of the way we can move on to more pressing questions such as...

Why do I always sound/look/act like an idiot when trying to explain my love for professional wrestling?

My GF: "The other day when I was trying to explain my reasoning to my roommates for purchasing tickets, airfare and hotel accommodations in order to attend WrestleMania, I felt myself sounding dumb in the process...I was actually in my head telling myself 'You sound like an idiot, just stop while your semi-ahead.'

Does this ever happen to you?"

Me: "All the time...and unfortunately just not when talking about wrestling."

My friend: "I just respond by waving my hand in front of my face. 'You can't see me haters!'"

Has this ever happened to you?

I'm sure many of you know at least a handful of people that don't watch, read about or know anything about professional wrestling. While I find it incredibly strange that there are people out there who have never heard of Hulk Hogan, John Cena, Shawn Michaels or the Undertaker, they do exist within our world. Apparently this is a common practice amongst human beings which makes those that actually watch pro wrestling considered the minority.

And if history has told us anything it's that the minority is constantly having to explain, validate and prove its worth to the majority.

It's a proven fact (trust me on this) that you need to not only explain what you enjoy about it, but validate it in the process all within 15 seconds of the initial question before you start sounding like a complete idiot.

The initial question: "So, you watch wrestling, huh?"

The following list was comprised by me and my friend (who was suffering from an extreme fever) shortly after he downed a homemade remedy simply known as a "See Ya Tomorrow." One part Nyquil, one part coke, two parts captain...all copyrights and reusable privileges reserved, and remember to always drink responsibly... 

In all seriousness though, this list is your best shot at defending yourself against the dreaded, condescending, vilifying and downright disgusted looks you're bound to receive towards professional wrestling from those who either don't get it, or refuse to understand and respect another person's passions.    

Top Four Quickest Ways To Explain Why You Watch Wrestling in 15 Seconds or Less

4. The same reason you watch: Jersey Shore, The Bachelor, anything involving a Kardashian and any TV program in general. (Your best, and most practical defense.)

3. Because it's freakin' sweet dude! (When you don't want to bother with the person.)

2. Because the last time I checked I'm an individual who has the right to express my passion and love for all things in this beautiful world. Which includes falling in love, the ocean, a starry night, long walks on the beach and two men fake-fighting over soap opera-like storylines. To each his own. (When the first two options have failed.)

1. Because I find it extremely entertaining, and compelling. Not to mention it's extremely more athletic than a lot of sports, and isn't the steroid-fueled sideshow it was stereotyped as being in its earlier days. It's a lot more mainstream and family oriented now. It's all good fun. (When you know you're about to enter into an argument with someone who relies on the words "steroids" and "fake" as their main arsenal.)

Side note: If the word "fake" is used as an argument against professional wrestling in the year 2011 you immediately gain the upper hand in terms of intelligence, counter-argument points and overall high ground to plant your "pro wrestling" flag on.

In a world where everything on television except sports are overly produced (yes, even all those "contests" are rigged and overproduced at some point) and scripted it's not only asinine, but incredibly hypocritical to devalue wrestling off of the "it's fake" argument. If there was ever a time someone deserved a Stone Cold Stunner this is it...

I wanted to make a "Top 10 List" but it quickly turned into a ranting session by my friend who after entering a five-minute diatribe focused towards professional wrestling haters immediately parlayed into the topics of the U.S. Constitution, Nazis, the Kardashians, golfers and racers being considered athletes, and the economic downfall of multiple countries promptly crashed due to his drink concoction made a half hour prior...

Noticeably absent from the list are any serious topics such as: art form, the dichotomy of the heel/face gimmicks, the good vs. evil monologue and the artistry of match flow and storytelling. These topics only work on fellow wrestling aficionados, pundits and fans and are likely met with "eye-rolling" from those who don't understand the art form that is professional wrestling.

This is where most people have their inevitable downfall while explaining their love for wrestling. The worst thing you can do while explaining to someone who has never watched or "looks down on" wrestling is to describe it as something more serious than it is. It's like trying to explain why a joke is funny when the person obviously doesn't understand the punchline. 

What's funnier: an episode of Family Guy, or watching the producers and actors tell you why Family Guy is funny by delving into the theories behind social commentary, culture, market demographics and analytical synopses about how humor works in general?

Not only will it ruin your attempted explanation, but since we're talking about wrestling and not about anything of extreme importance (religion, politics, economics, why Kim K. got divorced and why Ms. Lohan continually gets preferential treatment from the court system, in turn making a mockery of our judicial system), your chances of sounding/looking/acting like an idiot increase exponentially with each word that passes through your lips.  

Trust me...stick to the list above. It'll never fail you. Do not attempt to ever over-analyze or explain wrestling to someone who has never watched...   

I, myself, had a lovely experience over the weekend on a trip to Vermont to visit my girlfriend's family who have never watched wrestling...ever.

It was nearly inevitable that, especially after buying tickets to the "Showcase of the Immortals," the subject would turn to professional wrestling.

Me: "Yeah, it should be a great time. I'm really excited. The Rock will be there and he's facing John Cena which is a really big match."

Matt (16 years old): "Who's John Cena?"

Side note: Her brothers and sister are 100 times smarter than you and me combined. This is not a joke. Perhaps not watching professional wrestling has something scientifically to do with this fact.

Me: "Basically he's the Hulk Hogan of this generation. He's immensely popular."

Matt: "Who's Hulk Hogan?"

Molly (11 years old): "Isn't the Rock the guy from the Tooth Fairy?"

Me: "(shaking my head)...Yeah, that's him..."

Molly: "He's funny. I liked that movie...."

My GF: "He does this one move called the People's Elbow."

Ben (14 years old): "You know what the best way to counter the People's Elbow is? The Republic's Knee.

And for the next 15 minutes the two brothers began to list several made-up moves that could counter the People's Elbow: The Mussolini Mash, the Fidel Flail, The Obama Bash (a top-rope move where the person screams "Yes we can!" before delivering a flying punch) and my personal favorite, the Napoleon Neckbreaker (a simple neckbreaker delivered right after yelling "Viva La France!").

At no point did I attempt to curb their slightly condescending, however hilarious, take on professional wrestling by talking about the dreaded serious points listed earlier. It would have done much more harm than good. Not to mention the fact I avoided sounding like a complete jackwagon in front of her family.

One of the worst things you can also do is become overly sensitive of your passion for wrestling. I mean...it is professional wrestling after all. It is kind of dumb on the surface. Trying to justify it to others after overly explaining it will only make you look dumb in the process. 

Am I ashamed to pronounce my love for wrestling? Absolutely not. I'll be the first to tell you I watch, and enjoy the product.

Should you take heed and caution when telling people about your love of wrestling? Yeah, you need to tread a fine line when explaining your passion while not coming off as an idiot in the process.

So the next time you find yourself as the "minority" talking about or explaining your passion for wrestling, remember to follow the "List of Four" while also avoiding the serious topics...

In the end, you'll probably be judged one way or another, but in the end it really doesn't matter. It's the simple things in life that matter, and if finding remote joy in professional wrestling is your thing, then so be it—but you can prevent yourself from looking like an idiot in the process.

Speaking of idiot...how about all those idiots who watched that grandiose Kardashian wedding only for her to get divorced 72 days later? Joke's on you suckas!