'RAW-ky!': Casting The Rocky Horror Picture Show with WWE Superstars

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a tradition for many people around Halloween time. 

The film was based on a play written by Richard O'Brien. Starting as an "off-Broadway" production, it became the center of a pop culture phenomenon. 

Released in 1975, the film was originally budgeted $1.2 million and featured the acting talents of Tim Curry, Barry Bostwick, Susan Sarandon and Meat Loaf.

After bombing out of the gate, the film gained cult status through its quirky production and script, fun musical numbers and overall appeal. To date, it has grossed over $129 million at the box office, not counting DVD and VHS sales, and was preserved into Library of Congress due to being "culturally significant."

Not bad for a film that features an alien transvestite running around in stockings and a corset.

Being a fan of the film and professional wrestling, I wondered on one bus ride home "who could pull off the role of Dr. Frank-N-Furter?" The rest spiraled out of control into this article.

I will note that this article is meant to be silly. Nerd rage at your own expense.

Randy Orton as Brad Majors

In the film, the character of Brad Majors is labeled as "a hero."  There are few in the WWE who have the "hero" factor more then Randy Orton. 

Throughout the film, Brad plays the straight man with a 1950s type of clean-cut nerd archetype.  The character is enduring due to his persona and unintentionally comedic delivery of his lines.

Orton's persona is mostly a "bad ass" babyface. However, his promo work comes across as very straight-laced and almost nerdy in his approach.  Slap a pair of black rims on him and we're set.

Natalya as Janet Weiss

I almost went with Beth Phoenix, but Natalya better fits the bill as "a heroine."

Natalya has the quality of voice and look to make a perfect Janet Weiss.  In the film, Janet begins as your typical straight-laced American gal before developing hints of a quirky personality.  The role requires a versatile and strong gal, and Natalya certainly fits the bill.

Kelly Kelly was also a consideration and might seem a more obvious choice.  The issue is Janet doesn't actually scream incoherently at anytime in the film.

CM Punk as Dr. Frank-N-Furter

The role of Dr. Frank-N-Furter, a scientist, was the breakout role for Tim Curry.   Why not give it to the WWE's breakout star for 2011?

Punk is a unique capable individual in many respects and has the versatility to pull the role off.  He'll have to learn to walk in heels, but that's a minor issue. 

And yes, he can sing.  Punk "over acts" better then anyone else in the WWE without being too obvious about it.  He's almost natural for the role, though he'll need some singing lessons.

Christian as Riff Raff

The character of Riff Raff is described as a "a handyman." Christian is perfect for this role.

Christian is a tremendously reliable upper card heel and a uniquely high, almost nasally voice.  Hell, he fits the look perfectly laid out by Richard O'Brien. Tall, blond, skinny? Yup. 

Give him a hump, a skullet, some Rock and Roll riffs and I think we're set.

Aksasa as Magenta

Magenta, a domestic, has an Eastern European accent and carries some of the sex appeal for the show. 

Aksana is the only Diva in the WWE with this personality right now.  At least one would hope given she's from Lithuania. She'll need to tone down the tease factor some. 

Actually, she's dead on perfect for this role.  Giggity.

AJ Lee as Columbia

The character of Columbia, a groupie, requires a spunky and tinier gal.  There are none in the WWE that fit that bill better then AJ.

AJ's gimmick exudes the character played by Nell Campbell.  AJ will need to take some tap lessons, but that's the only issue I see. 

It's actually pretty easy to see her in a top hat or the "Mickey Mouse" ears sported by Columbia.  Really easy.

Triple H as Dr. Everett Scott

Dr. Everett Scott is "a rival scientist."  Triple H has been a rival for Punk throughout the summer.  Makes sense for me.

Beyond that, the role is done mostly serious with some comedic lines throughout the movie.  Trips is can do this with ease. 

I won't have an issue provided he doesn't do a crotch chop when he sings "For the thrills...."

John Cena as Rocky Horror

You really didn't think I'd throw The Rock in this role, did you?

Rocky Horror, a creation, suits Cena perfectly.  A clean cut guy with no tattoos and a strong physique?  Yup.  A pretty boy?  Check.

The role possesses few lines, so this would keep the IWC happy.  Right?  Right.

Dwayne Johnson as Eddie

Small role?  Yup.   Singing ability?  Yes.

Actually, was the Rock born to play this role?  Probably not, but he suits our needs.  Meat Loaf had a small role in the film playing "Eddie, a deliver boy." 

Given The Rocks relatively small role in the WWE, but a critical one given Cena's kayfabe obsession with him.  it's almost like they share the same brain.

Oh wait.

Conclusion

I always look forward this time of year.  Leaves turning, Survivor Series around the corner, and a pretty blatant excuse to see this film.

If you have never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I do urge you to see it.  It's not The Shawshank Redemption, but it was never meant to be.  All it is is simply a good popcorn flick.  Grab it from a Red Box or hit a midnight screening (the best option).  You won't be disappointed.

As always, thanks for reading and have a safe and happy Halloween.